Postpartum Depression and Guilt

[themedicinewolf]

Postpartum Depression - it's something that's very real, but for other people. I always feel like it's okay that other people have it. Everyone knows it is a serious condition that takes a lot of women's lives, and we do everything we can to be supportive of new mothers and let them know that if they have postpartum depression, they will have help. So why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I not want to get out of bed in the morning, do the dishes, or clean the house? Pretty much all I can bring myself to do is feed my son. I went back to work way too early - after only 4 short weeks of bonding with my newborn. It would not have been a paid leave and my husband decided that we could not incur the debt, so I had to go back. If we're placing proper blame here, I have to admit that I went along with it; begrudgingly, but I went along just the same. I get up in the morning and go to work and I go through the motions like nothing is wrong, when in reality, I'm dying inside.

I think the problem is that I feel like medication is really the only answer, when it is probably not true. I haven't been going to therapy because I feel like it's a load of horseshit, pardon my language. What on earth am I going to get by talking to a woman who is not even a doctor about stuff I don't want to talk about? What is she going to tell me that my own logical mind cannot? I know that everything will be okay and I shouldn't stress and worry and that everything I'm feeling is totally normal and that I have plenty of people who love and care about me. Yeah, okay, so why do I still feel that life is nothing but excruciating pain punctuated with brief moments of clarity? Why do I feel like I can't focus, I can't enjoy anything?

I can't clean my house. I've tried. I can't focus at work. I do my best.

Why does it feel like everything is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can/want to do.

[Fibro-Mom]

Jan. 29, 2009 at 11:39 PM

Please get some help. I think you are afraid of facing the fact that you cannot control this monster inside your head. And it is a monster. By taking a pill does not mean failure. What it will do, is give you a clearer head so that you, yes you can deal with this monster. In order to get well, you must have a clearer head. You are not alone. If you don't get the help now this might last for years. I went through this with my daughter. Only, she couldn't get the proper help and never was able to bond with her child. I wish you well and please, by all means take care of YOU