Heartbroken

[MomOfDoubleJs]

So, this year the holidays were about the same as every other year.

Started with my aunt being diagnosed with an aggresive breast cancer.  Then my cousin had a miscarriage.  My childhood dog dies.  My nana dies.  My father is forced to cancel his first trip to see his two-year old grandaughter to make funeral arrangements.  The heater, that we can't afford to replace, finally stops working completely.  My husband's top consulting customer can't pay him because his customers aren't paying.  I regain the 10 lbs. it took me six months to lose over the course of ten days and it just isn't coming back off.  And the list continues.

Not for the first time, I receive no gift from my husband or children because we decide to keep the focus on the kids even though I stretch my budget to fit in gifts for him.  I am dead sick, but still make two dinners for visiting family and do all the decorating.  Yes, a lot of this a put on myself, but only because my husband is working two jobs and simply doesn't have enough hours in the day and my kids are too young to really help but old enough to recognize the difference.

Now, my sister-in-law (who is one of my closest friends) is getting married.  I have thrown in as much of my time and energy into helping her as possible, starting on many of the hand-crafted items I promised her I would help with, only to have her maid of honor tell me to back off and stop pushing her.  I know someone in my position could be pushy, but I have made sure I haven't been.  I've just been making sure she knows I am there to do anything and everything she needs/wants of me.  Afterall, the wedding in in just over three months and the guest list is getting close to the 200 mark.  I am making all the stuff for the ring bearer and flower girl, center pieces, the veil, bouquets, etc.  They take a lot of time and I need to get started now to get everything done.  But I am the bad guy for getting things started?

Every year I start with the same heartache.  One year, I had lost my first child.  The next, I had just had my son and my husband FORGOT to get me ANYTHING.  Another, we couldn't even afford the turkey for Christmas dinner because my husband couldn't find a job but still ended up hosting both our families.  It is just the same over and over again.  I feel totally alone and try to put on the happy face for my kids and to look for the positives in every day.

I am just getting so tired.

[kathyleen7]

Feb. 4, 2009 at 12:52 PM

Well I can see why you might not look forward to the new year, yikes. Remember that you have your husband and kids and in the end that is all that matters. Even though things may seem like a black hole, hang in there, time is always moving forward and things will pass. Sometimes it is so hard to be a mother because you always end up taking the backburner, when you go some where or see family it is always all about the kids, you become invisable. In day to day life your needs become long forgotten as you try to maintain for the kids and extra big kid aka your husband. Then all the polical talk of bail outs and billions and almost trillions of dollars and you think gee I could so soooo much with only a couple thousand or even a couple hundred! And I could go on but.... I also have the world feel like it regains so order when I curl up to my husband at night and feel him warm body against mine and I drift off to sleep in our warm bed as I hear the wind and snow blowing out side, having my daughter giggle and smile or be all silly or "sassy" as she says warms my heart and I am so thankful for her, when I sit down at night and watch some TV with a cup of hot chocolate I feel like I am on vacation. So while things may be going horrible try to find beauty in your day, the blue sky, the sun shining through the window, a smile or a moment of quietness and focus on that. Also create a little ritual for yourself of something you love to do and try to do it everyday, for me I love having a cup of hot chocolate. Once you are able to refocus on those postive things you will feel better and things will go better. Hang in there!