remembering

[princezzmommie]

for as long as i can remember, i've tried to not think about things that upset me or depress me.   there is a very long list of things starting with they cancelled the smurfs and moving all the way up to the size of my waistline.  of course some things are harder to deal with than most and those are the ones i actively try to not think about.

today a friend sent me a link to this website set up by another friend to remember one of the best people i ever knew.  his name was david and in what he would have definitely seen as a fitting end, (he loved monty python and this sure sounds like them) he was killed when his car hit the car of the cheif of police head on.  did i mention david was a cop too?  he would have loved the irony of the situation.

unfortunately, freddie was killed too.  that would have killed him, had he lived long enough to realize what was happening.  he looked up to that man like no one's buisness. 

anyway, today i get this email and i'm in a good mood and i say to myself, why not go check it out?  maybe snag a few pics i don't have and see what everyone else has to say?  so i do. 

david died 5 years or so ago.  i never let go.  i never really dealt. i made it through the funeral and the wake without really crying.  i didn't actually cry like you would expect someone who was as close as we were to cry until months later when i was driving down teh road and i heard a song on the radio that we had both loved. lost in your eyes by debbie gibson.  the first few chords played and i cracked.  that dum-dum, dum-dum, dummmm.... did me in.  i sat on the side of the road while my baby slept in the back and cried for over an hour. when i realized i couldn't stop crying, i drove to my cousin's house and cried the whole time i was there.  i cried for months.  i cried when i was awake, i cried when i was asleep.  i cried when i saw an old episode of heman on tv. of course, i had already taped it for him for christmas before i realized and remembered and started crying again.

at some point, they say, you have to move on and since acceptance was not happening, i kinda backpedaled into denail again.  what can i say? i like it here.  here in denial i don't have to think about how he'll never see the saints win the superbowl (like any of us will right?) or how he'll never have kids of his own or even call me george again. 

so what the hell was i thinking going on that damed website? it took me years to develop my form of denial.  i know he's gone. i do.  i no longer do christmas eve with our family so it doesn't slap me in the face. and i don't watch those shows we used to watch together. i put the graduation pics up and i rarely listen to queen anymore.  debbie gibson, who i loved in a past life, is dead to me now. i've developed my own way to deal and its a form of non dealing but it worked. 

until today.  i don't know what the hell i was thinking.  i don't. i just know now that as long as i live i'm gonna wonder if he didn't have his seat belt on because i once told him a story about a lady who drowned because she couldn't get her seatbelt to release. doesn't matter that a seat belt won't save you from blunt force trauma to the head.  i wonder. 

i know when i get to heaven, i'm gonna hunt him down and kick his ass. he was a cop. he should know to wear a seatbelt right?  and then he'll kick my ass for not dealing. then we'll go find a tv, or heaven's equivilant of a tv, watch some married with children and eat some watermelon while we wait for the rest of the short dumb blondes to join us.

and that's what i've just decided to do. remember that image in my head.  because as billy joel so musically put it, only the good die young.

[stacygillolinde]

May. 6, 2009 at 8:42 PM

Jolisa,

I still miss David virtually every day.  He haunts me...I swear it.  I don't know why...I don't know if he wants us to forgive each other or if he is afraid I will forget him.  I don't think I will ever be at peace because there was so much bad stuff between us...I saw him a few months before he died at a concert in New Orleans...and I just walked away from him.  I'd give anything to go back and do that night over.  I wish that I could have been there for you at his funeral and wake and after.  I feel guilty because I wasn't there.

It's not your fault that he didn't have his seatbelt on.  I don't know why he didn't...I was really surprised to hear it because in our "old life" when we were all close...he was a stickler for that.  David did his own thing, Jolisa...It's not your fault.

I still miss you guys so much too. 

But really...I think your Heaven scenario is exactly what will happen.

Stacy