Part-Time Mom: My Rant

[StarrMom2Xander]

I need to vent. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, but maybe getting it out will help me feel better (since talking to Brian about it does no good).

 

Ever since he was a few months old Xander has preferred his daddy. I go through phases where it bothers me, and then I get over it. But it never changes...daddy is always #1.

 

Maybe if I was #2 it wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not. Honestly, I'm probably about #5 or 6 on "Xander's Favorite People" list. Above me would be Daddy, Ma-Ma, probably Pa-Pa, and most likely his babysitter, who I'll just call "MB". I don't really get to see them together since Brian takes him to/from daycare, but I can pretty much guarantee she's up there, considering she's pretty much perfect in every way.

 

I might be next. I might not. He's awfully fond of my brother's girlfriend. I'd also pretty much guarantee that our pets rate higher than I do.

 

I know kids go through phases on which parent they prefer....but so far that hasn't happened. There has never been a mommy phase. If mommy leaves the room...no biggie. If daddy leaves...here come the tears.

 

I remember reading about a study in Child Psychology back in college, about a test they did with monkeys. There were two human adults and a monkey in a little room with some toys. One of the people was for comfort, giving hugs and kisses. The other was for fun time, and would play with him. Most of the time the monkey spent with the fun guy, playing with toys and being silly. But when the scientists (?) would make a loud noise, or imitate a thunderstorm the monkey would run to the huggy person for comfort.

 

Makes sense, right? Well, if that was the case, at least I would know that I'm good for something. But, no. In my house, Daddy is the fun one. He's also the comforting one. Of course, I always knew Brian would be the ‘fun' parent...he is just really good at that kind of thing, and he's strong enough to throw Xander around when they play. But it breaks my heart every time Xander is crying because he got hurt, or he's really tired, or whatever, because he doesn't even want anything to do with me. It's hard enough to see him cry in the first place, but when I pick him up and he gets even more upset it's like twisting the knife and pushing it in a little further. Then he finds Daddy, and all is right with the world. Except for me.

 

I know for families with a stay-at-home-mom and a working dad that it's really common for kids to go crazy over daddy. Well, sure, they just spent all day with mom, so that makes sense. That I could understand. But he sees me LESS than he sees his dad. When it comes to "time spent with Xander", once again, I'm way down on the list. Brian sees him more, because his drive to work is so much shorter, so he takes/picks up X every day. MB (babysitter) sees him all day Mon- Thurs. Ma-Ma has him on most Thursday nights and all day Friday. That leaves a few hours in the evening on most weeknights (except Thursday, where I sometimes don't get to see him AT ALL), and the weekends. Gee, no wonder I feel like a part-time mom....I AM one.

 

I know all the "experts" say that even if a mom works full time that the child still knows who his real Mommy is, and doesn't think the babysitter is mommy, etc. BULL. How would he know that, exactly, when he sees so many other people more than me? And obviously prefers them to me? Sure, he calls me mommy, but I'd bet my next paycheck that he calls MB "mommy", too. And I'd also bet if you put me, Xander, and MB  in the little monkey-room together I can tell you exactly where he'd run when the thunderstorm started.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT blaming MB for any of this. Or Ma-Ma. Or even Brian. I know I'm truly blessed to have them in Xander's life. He's a lucky little boy, and I'm lucky to have so many people who really care about him  to help out. But that doesn't keep me from being resentful. Especially now that Xander is into giving hugs. In the evening he runs to his Daddy ever 20 minutes or so to give him a hug. The dog and cat get several, too. Not me. I only get one when I specifically ask...and even then, only half the time.

 

I know Xander doesn't hate me. But I think I rate more as a sister or an aunt to him. Here is this perfect, beautiful child that I love more than anything in existence. A child who has truly turned my life around and made me happier than I've ever been. And I'm stuck in this web of being totally addicted to him, yet I am totally hurt every day because my resentment is getting worse, and spreading.  I resent Brian for being such a wonderful father, when I should be thankful. I resent Ma-Ma because I actually feel like she is more his "mom" than I am. I resent MB because she's perfect, and gets to spend four whole days per week with him. I resent stay-at-home-moms, because that is my dream and it will never become a reality.

 

My reality: I'm a full time administrative assistant with a 2-hour commute each day who spends a few hours in the evening babysitting the child she carried for 9 months. Full time worker, part time mom.