Mamas With Cancer Kids

[tealadyd]

I don't like to talk about this a lot. Our journey started 20 years ago, on Christmas Eve to be exact.  That's when we found out our little 8 year old daughter had cancer. Life changed in an instant. Everything changed.  Who we were, and what our plans for the future would entail. It even changed my spirituality. Misty was the most adorable, perfect, spunky little girl with blonde hair and twinkling eyes.  She'd always been a little ball of mischief and energy, unlike her very mellow brothers. How odd it was on Dec. 25th, 1988, to think it could possibly be her last Christmas.

She started radiation on Dec. 26th.  We were lucky we got to take her home for Christmas at all.  I had no idea how many children have to spend the night in the hospital on Christmas Eve.  They hang their stockings on the end of their hospital beds and Santa always comes. I had no idea Santa went to hospitals on Christmas Eve.

Dec. 26th and my spunky little girl was making friends at Children's Hospital at lightening speed.  Little bald headed children raced down the corridors on their little i-vac machines. There were giggles and laughter.  And then a nurse would come to take one of the children down the hall to the dreaded bone marrow room.  This was the place where bone marrow is extracted from the hip to check for the presence of cancer cells.  It is a regular occurance on the oncology floor.  And 20 years ago, they did not put the children to sleep.  They would simply numb the hip area with a shot, and then the bone marrow aspiration would begin.  It was a horrible procedure, and you could hear children, who just moments earlier had been laughing, now screaming in excruciating pain.  For Misty and most kids, it would take 3 people to hold the child down, while the aspiration was done, due to the tremendous amount of pain. 

Misty went into remission within a very short period of time. But the chemo therapy lasted 3 years.  What a lot of people don't seem to understand, (and I didn't understand it either until I became a cancer mama), was that remission doesn't mean that a person is well.  It simply means that the cancer has at least temporarily ceased to be active. In our case, Misty was in remission within 4 months of starting her treatments.  But she continued to have chemotherapy for the next 2 1/2 years to make sure that cancer did not return.  The real test comes when you take the child off the chemotherapy.  Then you wait .....with baited breath...wondering....will the cancer come back?......or ....did we?....is it possible?....Maybe?...Hope upon hope....the cancer does not come back.  And each day is such a gift, because you never know.  But all the while, there are other children on this same journey.  And many , MANY of them did die. And we watched all of this in horror.  and the spectrum of emotions is so emmense. You are so grateful for each day.  And yet live each day with no guarentee of the next one. 

The whole family must take this journey together.  Other siblings are very much affected.  So much attention and energy goes into keeping the sick child healthy, that the other kids are lost in all the shuffle.  And then there are marriages. Mine did not survive.  While I was busy spending time in a hospital 3 hours from home, my husband was working hard...sort of ....and making new friends.

Once the chemotherapy treatments are over, the child's own body has to fight to keep the child healthy on it's own, without the support of drugs.  Drugs are, after all, poisens.  and while they do a very good job of killing cancer cells, a child cannot live an entire lifetime on these drugs because they are so strong and powerful it would eventually kill the child completely. Misty finished up her treatments, and then we waited.  Some of her friends died during this time. The feelings of helplessness are beyond words.  Nothing I could say or do, no amount of money, nothing, absolutely nothing could change her fate at this point.  I was told if she had a relapse it would be very bad for her.  There would be surgeries, and removal of body parts. Things no parent ever wants to think about.  We, the cancer mamas, have to watch our beautiful children morphing into science experiments. Pale, bloated from steroids, or skin and bones from vomitting, and then they start cutting out body parts.  Children no longer beautiful on the outside.  But oh, the inside, where there little hearts are.....these are the most beautiful human beings in the world! Strong, brave, funny, joyful. They are heros, everyone of them. 

Bone marrow aspirations continue.  The first one post chemo is terrifying.  Will her little body be able to function normally without drugs.  Yes!  We passed the first test.  And then another at 6 months.  She passed again.  At this point we decided to have her post-chemo party.  It was a pretty big deal with a limosine, and dancing at a fancy restaurant, even a magician. The bone marrow tests will continue for 5 more years.  And if they are all clean after 5 years, they will consider her healed.

And so life went on.....My husband informed me of his decison to leave our family about 10 months after she finished her chemo.  I was devistated, and put the house up for sale so I could move back home with my family and have a support system.  I met Dan later that year......on Chistmas Eve as a matter of fact.  We fell in love and married 15 months later.  I never looked back on the life I left behind.  As much as I have wanted to help others.  These memories are so intense, that to be a productive person, I had to walk away and not dwell on it. 

But every now and then, when I hear a story,  my heart just breaks and I am taken back all over again, to a scarey, helpless place.  All I can add to this is that Misty is 28 years old and very healthy now.  I am married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen.  I live in a beautiful house that overlooks the Cascade Mountain range, and I serve a mighty God who helped me through the darkest moments of my life, and He made all things new for me again.

Here is my little family with Siegreid and Roy, before the accident of course!  Make A Wish Foundation had sent us to Las Vegas so Misty could spend some time with her best friend.  Misty was born in Las Vegas. Misty is in the center with Roy. I am on the left behind my youngest son.

If you've been able to stick with me and read this long post, can I ask you to do me one tiny favor? Please say a little prayer for Adriana age 2, the daughter of a Cafe Mom here, who is fighting cancer with every ounce of strength she has.  Mama just found out that this little trooper has just relapsed and will have surgery later this week, possibly to remove a rib.  Please keep this little princess in your prayers. And thanks for reading this long post.

[davecswife]

Feb. 3, 2009 at 7:37 PM

wow i'm glad things have truned around for you I said a prayer for Adriana and will keep her and her family in my prayers.