Knowing What Tomorrow Will Bring...

[Momof3Sunbeams]

Well tomorrow will probably be one of the crappiest days of the year for me....especially tomorrow night after my big brother has had the entire day to drink himself stupid and then of course there is my lil sister, who will more than likely have a drink or 2 also "in remembrance" of our dad and they will call me and bitch and cry and feel sorry for themselves in a way that only a drunken stupor can make them do.  They will blame our mom for him being dead, not his drunk sister that was driving that evening or even him for that matter for drinking his own self stupid, getting into a truck with another drunk and "attempting" to drive home!!  They will drag up hard feelings that have been laid in rest for the last year, they will open old wounds that have never been able to heal, yet have had a year to start to scab over, just to gash them open and pour salt over them in a matter of minutes, that make them "feel better".... They always call me, cause I "help" them.. I "listen" to them... I "love" them.  And Yes!, I do try to help them both, to listen to them both and I love them more than they will ever probably realize!  They break my heart and rip apart my own emotional wall that I have surrounding our dad's death, they (in their drunken stupor) just don't seem to realize that just because I Don't drink on every February 8 and that I don't call everyone crying and balling that the day doesn't bother me.  But I TRY to look up, breathe deep and love everyone close in my life even more that day.  I am not afraid to stay out of the bottle, that bottle isn't going to bring my Dad back!  I am not afraid to look at my friends and say " you ever need a ride, call me anytime day or night!"  Our dad was killed on February 8, 2001, by a drunk driver... his own sister was driving the truck that he died in just a short ways from the driveway to our family farm.  This is a death that I will never forget anyways... but this is a death that I have to live and relive over and over EVERY February 8... for the simple fact that my brother and sister needs to be "like our daddy" and get so falling down drunk that they need to call me and behave like it was the day we got the news... that my brother needs to tell me how each and every piece of firewood (13 of them to be exact) came crashing through the backwindow and pelted the back of my dads head when the truck hit the tree, but that isn't what killed him...oh NO they knew he was dead from the "stench" of his guts being cooked on the motor that came thru the firewall and crushed him!  Yes, I need to hear it every year.. it might not dawn on me how our dad died!  I quit along time ago, trying to talk to my brother about not drinking so much EVERYDAY, and I know that one day I more than likely will get that call that my brother has also died like our dad... my sister on the other hand, she has quit drinking so much... she only drinks on "certain" days that need remembrance... and I say whatever on that note also.

Anyways... now that I have vented and all... life here in Grafton WV is going... I had my surgery Monday (the 2nd) and I am doing okay..feels like I got my guts kicked out from time to time, but good none the less.  The Girls and Joey have been helping around the house alot and I really do appreciate it and them!  I go on the 24th to the Neurosurgeon about my headaches and the risk of stroke and M.S... but I am not going to worry about that!  No sense in borrowing trouble and right now I really do not need to sit and worry about things like that.  Anyways, just thought that I would pop in and write a bit.  Til the next time I reckon!

[witchqueen]

Feb. 7, 2009 at 9:37 PM

Sounds like it's time for you to stop enabling your siblings to act like bratty children.  Unplug your phone or don't answer it.  No one has forced them to grow up, behave like adults, and deal with their father's accident, so they turn into whiny, drunken brats.  The decision is yours tho.  Do what you think is best for you--not for them.  Concentrate on recovery and getting well.

I feel for you at the separation between you and your dad.  He was cocooned for quite a while on the Other Side--he was so surprised by what happened.  Alcohol kind of makes you feel powerful and immortal and it was a shock to his mind.  He is better now and starting to interact on the Other Side.  The one thing that makes him unhappy is the horrible behavior of his children and the stupidity of what happened.  It is making it hard for him to move on.  Bright blessings!

WitchQueen