How carry out pizza was invented: A true story of parents daring to eat out with a two-year-old OR See YOU at Arni's

[Julie411me]

Elizabeth looked the part of a well-mannered, pleasant little girl. 

 

Her soft, brown hair, still baby-fine and whispy, was combed into pigtails that curled, naturally around themselves and bounced when she walked.  Her size 3T, floral Oshkosh Jumper was crisp and neat and the matching shirt had trim on the sleeves made from the same floral fabric.  (Hey, it was the 90's.) Her white sneakers and socks were surprisingly bright for a two-year old.  And, in her chubby fist, she clutched a little denim purse trimmed with pink bows. 

 

She held her father's hand as he guided her to a booth at Arni's Pizza, a much loved, local Pizza place that was very family-friendly.  "See You at Arni's" was their slogan.

 

The two-year-old climbed into the booth, still clutching her little purse and sat next to her father, Eric.  Across the booth her mother (me) and her 7 year old sister, Natalie, situated themselves as the waitress handed out menus, crayons and children's menus that doubled as placemats, adorned with puzzles and characters to color.  Elizabeth quickly gathered up all the crayons and began stuffing them into the chest pocket pocket of her jumper. 

 

"Hey, you can't keep those!'  her sister cautioned.  "Put them back on the table."

 

Elizabeth said nothing and began to wad up her paper placemat, unimpressed with the word search puzzles and mazes.  Eric wrestled the crayons out of the jumper pocket and put them back on the table.  I smoothed out the placemat and faked a penchant for coloring on a paper placemat.  "Look, you can color!"  I said, hoping my faux enthusiasm would catch on.  

 

It didn't. 

 

Natalie busied herself with the puzzles, using her free hand to protect her paper placemat from her little sister's destructive clutches.  Elizabeth tried to color Daddy's face.  "No.  Only paper." he said, tipping his head out of the way, just in time, while trying to fold her stiff, little legs into at least a semi-seated position.  "Sit down."

 

She sprung back up and spun around to have a good look at the people in the next booth. 

 

"Hi." 

 

"Hi!"  

 

 "Hi!!!!"  

 

"Hi-iii-iiii-iiii."

 

As Eric attemtped to restrain her, the parents in the next booth returned her grin and annoyingly enthusiastic greetings with polite but insincere smiles and half-hearted waves, not that I blamed them.  I am sure they were second guessing thier dinner choice for the evening.   Their small children were happily coloring and singing the Barney song and they still had to deal with a drooling, loud-mouthed bench-bouncer.

 

 Again, Eric sat her down and tried to interest her in the crayons as the waitress returned.  "Are you ready to order or so you need more time?"  She wanted to know.   I became momentarily lost in the phrase, "Do you need more time?"  More time?  Did I need more time?  Time?   Yes, I need more time to use the bathroom, more time to sleep, more time to...

 

"OH!" 

 

Poor Eric.  Elizabeth had hopped back up and attempted to climb over Daddy and give her purse to the waitress.  Eric suffered a size 4 Ked to the groin.  Again.  Natalie made the "uh oh" face.

 

"Oh, very pretty." said the waitress, of the purse. 

 

"Sit down."  Eric was again seating Elizabeth.  She was determined to share her purse with the waitress.  Each time we tried to order, the purse was flung, shoved or jammed toward the waitress, who finally agreed to hold it while she wrote down our pizza order.  She handed back the purse as she left and Elizabeth threw two crayons to the Barney song kids who were now eating politely.   Their father handed them back and Elizabeth let out a howl and tried to stand up again.  Natalie slumped down and tried to be invisible.

 

"No." said Eric.

 

"Up." said Elizabeth.

 

This time she put a shoe on the table, clearly hoping to climb up and rule from a higher perch.  Eric pulled her toward his chest just as the other foot made it to the table.  Her shoe slipped off and fell under the table but she continued to try to stand up, now in a backwards crab position, both feet on the table. 

 

"Come, here, sit will mommy." I said, pulling her over to my bench.  Natalie began to protest but was stopped when Elizabeth grabbed a fist full of her hair. 

 

"Ow!  You brat."

 

"No."  we all said, as I pried the hair from her grubby fist.  "Don't hurt sissy."

 

"Here, have a sip of Mommy's water."  I offered, sitting her back down.  I held my plastic water glass to her lips and she grabbed it with both hands and shoved it upward, causing water to gush into her face and down her front.  She began choking, gagging and then howling loudly, long enough to embarrass us but not alarm us.  Then she made an extra loud retching noise that all parents know means vomit is imminent.  Thankfully, it was a false alarm.  However, it was loud enough and frightening enough to bring the waitress and manager running to the table.  Clearly, they preferred neither vomit nor death by choking make an appearance on their shift.  Natalie pretended to study her water glass with great interest.

 

After assuring them we were all still breathing and did not need an ambulance, I pulled out a sippy cup of apple juice and some crackers from my bag.  The crackers were quickly smashed to bits for the sheer joy of watching crumbs sprinkle from between fingers.  The sippy cup was flung under the table.  My husband reached under to retrieve the cup and the shoe as Elizabeth bounced half a cracker off his eye.

 

I foolishly tried to sweep up the cracker crumb mess, letting go of the child for a moment.  Natalie was pressed as close to the wall at the end of the booth as possible, trying to disappear and obviously hoping no one from her class was eating at Arni's at that moment. 

 

In a feat that would make the most limber of gymnasts cringe, Elizabeth lifted a chubby leg impossibly high and hooked her remaining shoe on the top of the back of the booth and attempted to vault over into the next booth.  I caught her, midway, and pulled her back. 

 

"No.  You must sit nicely when we go out to eat."

 

"No."  she said, in a very matter-of-fact tone.  It was as if she thought she was the one in charge.  (And come to think of it...)   And she tried again to visit the nice couple in the next booth, whom I am sure, to this day, decided to remain childless. 

 

"No, Elizabeth."

 

Elizabeth screamed.  Loudly.  Very loudly.  Very, eardrum-piercingly loudly. 

 

I began to sweat. profusely.  "Maybe Daddy will take you for a walk while we wait for the pizza."  I suggested as I stuffed theshoe back onto her foot as quickly as I could.

 

"No walk." she screamed grabbing me around the throat and kicking over my water glass, spilling the remains on the center of the table.

 

Eric stood up.  "Let's go."

 

Thankfully, or so I thought for a moment, she changed her mind and allowed me to pass her out of the booth and onto the floor.  She took three steps and flung herself on the carpet, between the two rows of booths.  She began to scream the screams of a child who has nothing better to do.  I began to mop up water from the table with napkins like a mother who didn't know what else to do.   I wanted to take a cue from Natalie and pretend not to know the demon-child.  But, having been a spectacle from the moment we were seated, it was no use.  I was embarrassed and also very sorry for the many dinners we had spoiled.

 

They couldn't help it. All the diners watched, some with mouths open and pizza slices, mid-air.  They were like rubber-neckers passing an overturned circus train that had collided with a truckload of ice cream.  They had to look because even if it was a sticky situation, it was quite a show.

 

The waitress appeared.  "Would you like us to box up your pizza to go?" She asked. 

 

"YES." We all answered, including Elizabeth and maybe a few patrons.

 

Yes, I thought, please, please put us out of this misery. 

 

The pizza was shoved into my hands 10 seconds later and I paid the bill as Eric wrestled Elizabeth into her car seat.

 

Left to carry the little denim purse, Natalie stood behind me, pretending not to know me.  I didn't blame her.

 

As we left the restaurant, just before the door completely closed, I was pretty sure I heard applause. 

 

We didn't eat out with Elizabeth again for a couple years. 

 

And we never did have the guts to return to Arni's. 

 

 

 

Hey Kids!  It's the I Love You Song!

 

I love you

You love me

Make a scene for all to see

With a great big scream

And a crayon in my ear

It's not like I need to hear

 

I love you

You love me

Please sit down

Don't stand on me

With a shoe to the groin

And a cup thrown on the floor,

We won't be eating out an-y-more

 

I love you

You love me

We're banned from the pizza place

Can't you see?

They boxed it up when they heard you shout

"Take your order and please GET OUT."

 

And remember, I love you.

 

 

[cassandrans]

Feb. 10, 2009 at 11:11 PM

haha...I'm going through this now.  I've decided that eating out just isn't worth it! lol

[jspy72]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 8:49 AM

This story sounds familiar...did you see me and my family at a restaurant?

 

;)

[aidensema]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 8:57 AM

sounds all too familiar now that aiden is in his terible twos!!

[MunchiesMom324]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 9:23 AM

My oldest never really grew out of his "terrible twos" and he's almost 6.  I still can't go anywhere with him unless they have a play area. 

[mama4Christ361]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 1:44 PM

Oh man I hate to eat out with my dd! We have done it three times since she became mobile, and each time I swore it was the last.

[goatmom4]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 2:43 PM

wwwwwwow    we had four little ones they were the good ones  I guess   but restaurant food was special though so   they probaly knew they better sit         or get none  we mostly use drive through  now always in a hurry  !!!!!!    still need mcnuggets everyonce   in awhile

[cjaw1018]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 4:48 PM

My son brought his own crayon. He stored them in "underwear pocket". 

I'd tip the waitress as much as the bill for putting up with us and clean up.

[we2angels]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 9:30 PM

Every.... Time.... We.... Eat.... Out!!

[You_Are_Invited]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 9:56 PM

Been there, done that, bought the t shirt because the little one spilled something on it

[shannipoo714]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 10:33 PM

Replace Elizabeth with Amelia and you have my family!