Do I Have a Problem?

[mamaxs4]

OK, my mom think I have problems.   She think I have a problem with men and she doesn't believe in weaknesses.   Since I was very young I have have been a little obsessed with boys/men.   She told me I was chasing a little boy trying to kiss him (I don't remember this) Fast forward a little later, I preferred playing with boys, my friend from first grade was a boy, but in school he hated girls. when I went to his house he liked to play with me, ride bikes that sort of thing.  later on in third grade, there was a boy who was always chasing me and was always wanting to kiss me. I loved the attention.  Later on I went to camp, and there was going to be a banquet and they encouraged the boys and girls to "go together".  That was a bad experience because none of the boys where interested and the one that seemed like he might be didn't want to sit with me.   And then there was the group of boys that stood around me and said I was ugly and that I was too ugly to play with his dog, and uglier than his dog's butthole. (I struggled with for a LONG LONG time. I still at times think I'm ugly).  anyway, I spent my whole night trying to get this boy to sit with me instead of enjoying time with my parents. I was 13 at the time.   Later on a really nice looking boy expressed interest in me and I turned him down because of the other actually not very good looking boy (in my tastes) that wasn't very interested. When I think back on it I wished I hadn't have waisted my time on him.   When I was about 15 my friend introduced me to a book, The Plains of Passage. It was chock full of graphic sexual descriptions. Then came my next adventure, I was 17 and snuck out of my window to meet the boy across the street at midnight. I had my first kiss, an awesome first kiss I have to add.  I snuck out another time to meet him.  I did get caught somehow and wasn't allowed to go outside for A LONG TIME. Months upon months.  I was SOOO GROUNDED lol.   Later on I went out with my first real boyfriend. He was great, I was obsessed with him or at least my mom said it was obsession. I was almost in pain to be without him. I was home-schooled and he wasn't. we saw each other maybe twice a month.  He used to call me everyday at 4pm and I would wait by the phone.   When it slowly started to stop and I couldn't get a hold of him I was in such torture. I think my soul even hurt. I have never experienced anything that intense since I've come out of my teens.   Fast forward to 18. My parents where very strict and they didn't allow me to do much.   If I had thought about it  I would have said "Yes, mother I am going behind the skating rink and lose my virginity. I am going to let it all hang out for all to see" maybe she would have seen how ridiculous that sounded and let me go skating.    All I wanted to do was kiss and be kissed. I didn't want to have sex at that point.    Then they where just so overbearing , I snuck out one night and left.   I did have sex later on with someone I thought cared about me and turns out that I was a notch on his belt.   Funny thing is during all of this i didn't want to get a full on look at a penis. It wasn't until the next guy that I did, I have to say I was fascinated by it. Then I wanted to know all about male anatomy, how it works, what all is inside, how to please a man. I wanted to be the best thing a man ever had.  I didn't exactly enjoy sex then, I'm not sure why I did it then, or why I continued to.   Later on I found out that it could be good.  I just kept on sleeping with these boyfriends not sure why I kept on.  I think  might have had one one night stand during all of this.  What's really crazy that I got pregnant at 19, I lost that baby thanks to a negligent father who by not trying to take care of me managed to kill my baby.  I was very young and dumb and didn't know that there where places I could go and get help.   I went home for a while, then I went back to him, why??? I still ask myself that question.  I got pregnant again by the same person and I gave that baby up for adoption. The situation with the father had become dangerous and I wanted the baby to be safe.   This is one reason that I'm in IN and not my home town another reason is that I met a guy on-line and he begged me to come and be with him. Well, I hopped on a bus and came to IN. He wasn't all that happy to see me. He was tired of me after 3 weeks.   So, later on I got an apartment. I dated a few other guys. When I finally met the men who is now my hubby.   It seemed so natural to be with him, we where always together. He came to see me everyday after work, he ALWAYS did what he said.  It was refreshing to be with this man. I say man because he is mature and responsible and dependable. Although not very romantic, I could deal with that.  After what I had been through it was wonderful to be with this man, who was so caring and didn't want anything to happen to me. He is my hero, well, earthly hero.   My mother thinks that I married the first guy that came along and will fall for the first thing in pants(any ol guy).  I did have issues as a teen, I did hurt those who I cared about. And I am very sorry I hurt them and I'm not proud of myself.  My mother thinks that I didn't wait for the man God had in mind for me because of all the things I did and because I am no longer there in my home state anymore. She says I should have never left and seems to hint life would be easier if I had done things differently.   Yes, I am unequally yoked.  I married this man while I was being rebellious to God.  I didn't even give the long version.   My hubby and I have problems, but we've been together for almost 7 years and I love him deeply. I don't want to be with anyone else. I still can't believe I have a man that is that attractive to me when I had been with all those men that weren't. I hope I don't sound shallow, but I think he's hot. I do not believe I settled.  I am fascinated with him sexually though, so do I have a sex problem?   

[heathr.rawks]

Feb. 14, 2009 at 5:08 PM

I don't think you do. It kinda sounds like that expression "You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your Prince." Don't be hard on yourself. If you never had the history you do; you wouldn't know how great you have things now. Sounds like your Mom just wanted you to be pure in her eyes and kinda took it to a strange level LOL. Teens rebel. You're OK :)

[NannyB.]

Feb. 14, 2009 at 5:19 PM

My thoughts on this would most likely aggravate your mom and dad.  Little girls really need to be loved and admired by their daddies.  They need to hear him say that they are pretty.  They also need to be actively taught that their sexuality is a precious gift that is meant only to be shared with their husbands.  Just being strict and enforcing a bunch of rules is nowhere near enough to help a young lady through the testings that are sure to come her way.  When they are not properly taught, it can become somewhat of an obsession, which may be what happened to you.  God forgives everything which we confess and ask.  My plea to you is to learn from your experience and should you have little girls, teach them correctly about their sexualtiy.  Teach your boys, too, because they deserve the kind of wives that you are going to be raising. 

[mamaxs4]

Feb. 15, 2009 at 12:20 AM

I used to say that my dad wasn't there for me and my mom would say nonsense he's a good father.  I remember time and time again trying to get this certain positive reaction from him as a child. I eventually quit getting it then I quit trying.  I don't remember emphasis on sex being how beautiful it can be, I remember hearing how wrong it was then a quick it's ok when your married. I remember being sat down at 13 and being lectured to on the evils of sex before marriage. I feel like somehow that has harmed my married sex life, I don't enjoy it as much as I think I should.  I have a little girl and her daddy tells her she's pretty and hugs and kisses on her. I have a son as well and he's being carefully nurtured meaning as much love and affection as I can give him(he's 15 months).  I am glad God forgives.     Funny thing is my mom says it's part of my "problems" is why I want to nurse my son past a year.   And yes she wanted me to be pure and was very hurt when she found out that I was no longer a virgin.

(Original Poster)