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I can't stand my daughter
- Feb 14, 2009 at 2:38 PM
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- Comments (16) Total Views (224) Everyone can see this journal post.
How sad is that?
She's 8 1/2 and despite being a complete and total brat all week, being late for school twice (on Thursday I had to leave her home so the other kids wouldn't be late then go back and get her), lying about homework and generally just being a bitch to everyone I am still letting her go to her friend's house this weekend.
Why? Not because she deserves to go or anything. She's going simply because none of us want her around any more. None of us, me or her siblings want her around. I can't wait for her to leave in a couple hours. She'll probably be home some time tomorrow night. We plan to have a party while she's gone (not really but it will feel like a party).
I don't know what else to do with her. She REFUSES to do anything I tell her, fights with everyone and then expects the same privileges her siblings get for finishing their chores and being nice to each other. When she doesn't get them she throws a tantrum like a baby and accuses me of sabotaging her, being mean to her, lying to her or whatever.
A couple weeks ago she couldn't find her gym uniform. It wasn't "anywhere" she had looked and she accused me of taking it and hiding it so she would get in trouble. Eventually she found it (3 days later) under her bed even though she looked EVERYWHERE for it on the day she had gym (which she had to skip since she couldn't find her uniform).
Now it is the weekend and her best friend often calls and asks her to come for the weekend. I pretty much always let her go because it is so much more peaceful here without her. I told her yesterday (all of them) to get their room cleaned up. They didn't do it. This morning I told them that after I was done eating my breakfast I was going up there and packing up everything not in it's place. They still didn't clean it up and just shrugged when I started tossing everything into the middle of the floor.
There was so much stuff that I called them back up to put it away while I stood watching. Owen and Brenna reluctantly went to work sorting and then putting their toys away. Meagan sat there screaming that it wasn't fair that she had to put her toys away and clean up her room. She refused to help and actually got in the other kids' way so they couldn't do their stuff. Eventually she dumped an entire bin of toys on the floor that Brenna was tying to put stuff into.
I left after to get something to drink (I had been up there at least an hour by that point and they were about 1/4 done with the sorting). Of course, while I was downstairs talking with my dad about some old pictures I found they did nothing in their room except run around and throw more stuff on the floor. I gave them 1 more time to get it done and they just all whined that they couldn't because one or the other wasn't helping so I packed up everything that wasn't put away, including the DS and all the games to it.
So then her tantrums continued about how it wasn't fair that I took the DS from her (it was not put where it belonged). I told her I was calling her friend and telling her she couldn't come and she freaked out and said it wasn't fair. I informed her that all she had to do was clean up her room and then she could have gone but she didn't do it. Her response was I didn't give her a chance to do it. WTF!
I gave her about 4 chances totaling over a day and a half to get it done, including 2 chances that morning and she insists that it's all my fault that the room is a mess and she shouldn't have to clean any of it but should still ger her DS back and should sill be allowed to go play with her friend.
I don't understand her. I didn't treat her any differently then the other kids but they never act like that or if they do they get themselves under control after a bit and realize it makes more sense to just do as they are told then be in trouble for weeks at a time. She seems to thrive on disagreeing with me. She lies about everything. I ask her what she has for homework and she says nothing but when I check her bag I find papers that need to be signed because she didn't finish her work in school or didn't do her homework the night before or study sheets and when I ask her about it she's like, "oh, I do have homework" and laughs because she got caught like it's a big joke. She used to be a straight A student but her grades have started dropping this year because she just doesn't care and she is only in 3rd grade.
All she wants to do is play that stupid DS (I'd like to strangle my dad for getting it for her after I told him it was a BAD idea) and watch TV. She's lazy as hell. She's probably the laziest kid I've ever seen. The other day it was 65 and the other kids couldn't wait to go outside and play. She refused and sat in her room watching TV all day. She refuses to pick up after herself but whines and cries when her stuff is taken away or gets broken or lost.
She throws tantrums like a toddler. She will kick people, throw things, break things, scream at the top of her lungs, throw herself on the floor kicking and screaming, slam doors, etc. My 2yo doesn't even throw tantrums like that. She threw her sister's CD player across the room one time all because I told her to pick up her clothes off the floor while the kids were cleaning up. Then she couldn't understand why she got spanked and was in more trouble.
Even now she is disobeying me. I told all the kids to stay in their room after I took their toys away but she seems to think that rule doesn't apply to her and is wandering around the house coloring and goofing off. She is literally grounded every single day...no TV, no DS, no computer, etc. She's the only one that has ever been grounded to their bed (meaning only leaving to use the bathroom or eat and the only thing she could do was read a book...for an entire weekend). She refuses to admit when she does something wrong (and will lie about things to get out of trouble and doesn't care when she is caught in the lie), she won't tell her brother or sister she is sorry when she hurts them. If they accidentally break something of hers or accidentally bump into her and she gets hurt she will haul off and throw something heavy at them and then freaks out when they retaliate (her brother is a bit bigger then her and he will pound her if she messes with him). She acts all innocent like she didn't have anything to do with it.
I'm just sick of it and I'm sick of her. I don't want her around me any more. She brings everyone in the house down. Even my dad is sick of her and she was the apple of his eye when she was little. She could do no wrong in his eyes but now he sees her for who she really is and has banned her from his room and doesn't want to talk to her any more either. That is sad.
No matter what I try it only works on the other kids. I can get them to listen and pick up and behave but not her. She insists I'm being mean and cruel to her for making her do her chores. It's to the point she just ignores me when I tell her to do something.
I'm thinking of taking her to a therapist or something because she has some serious anger management problems now and the lying is getting annoying. I don't go for that crap.
She really believes I am out to get her and that she doesn't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Then she sees her brother and sister doing stuff she wants to but they earned it by doing their chores and behaving during the day and that just pisses her off. She blames me when she can't do the things she wants because she won't do her chores (I guess because I'm the one that came up with the chores so it must be my fault). She has some really weird entitlement issues. Not sure where they came from because she has had the same rules since she was a toddler and has spent most of her life trying to find a way around the rules instead of just following them.
I am just completely fed up and if we could afford boarding school I think I would ship her off. It would definitely reduce the stress and fighting in the house. I probably wouldn't have as many migraines and sore throats either (from all the yelling). There is no reasoning with her, no talking with her (and all those other "parents as friends, treat your kids like a little person crap"). She acts all sweet and says she will try harder and be better and 2 hours later is throwing stuff across the room because she didn't get to play on the computer despite still not completely her chores.
Comments:
Sopunds like she has ODD (Oppositional Defiancy Disorder) and maybe she is having peer problems at school.
Sounds like both of you would benefit from counceling. I am sure you don't *really* feel this way. You are just really angry because you feel like there is nowhere to turn and that she is intentionally being this way.
Yes, she may be in SOME ways. But ODD is a disorder that can easily be treated and dealt with.
Stop letting her control the situation. Punish her and stick with it. It will be a rough road for a while and tantrums and accusations will fly like crazy but you have to be tough to get her snapped out of it before she becomes a teen and then you have real trouble.
Yeah, she might make your life miserable, but it's only temporary. She wants and needs some discipline. She's testing you. DON'T let her win.
Set rules. Make her follow them. When she refuses, and she will, set a punishment. If she breaks that, make it stricter. It might take months or years, but you can win control and respect back.
Trust me, I have one that was just like her at that age. She didn't start to snap out of it until high school and only then because she wanted her priviledges like a phone and to drive. Also, getting her in a sport helped her learn discipline and consequences. I owe DDs swim coach a debt of gratitude.
Set rules and stick with them, no matter what she says or does.
Good luck.
I am sorry, you can love your kids, but nowhere does it say you have to like them, or like what they do. if a child makes your life miserable, it's extremely hard to like anything about them.
It does sound like she may have some issues, especially since it seems like your other kids behave pretty well. I think therapy, at least at first, is probably a good idea. She may need a safe place to vent, even if it's all BS.
GL
I agree with the lady who suggested counseling for you both.
I totally know how you feel. I am in counseling with my 14yo ds. The behavior you described sounded very close (although not identical) to what I face daily.
HUGS momma. It is a cruddy place to be in wen they act like that and no amount of reasoning works. You get tired and at your wits end. I am glad you were able to vent here about it.
Ihope you are able to find some counseling for you both...I think that will help greatly!
Thanks guys. I'm just so exhausted from dealing with this crap day in and day out. Nothing works with her. She does get punished. She is literally always in some kind of punishment for one thing or another. This isn't a just once in the while thing. This is every moment of every day. It never ends. It is to the point that we avoid family time together (it always ends in her screaming at someone--she is a horrible loser so games are out of the question and if she doesn't get to watch what she wants she throws a tantrum). She has ruined every single thing we have ever planned to do with the kids for the last 5 years. I am not kidding.
This isn't just me it is effecting. The other kids feel it, too. They don't get to go anywhere or do anything becuase of her attitude because if she gets in trouble and grounded or unable to go then no one goes because someone has to stay and watch her. I could leave her with my dad but that isn't much of a punishment since he basically lets her do whatever she wants (although he is doing that less and less because he is sick of her attitude, too).
I never said I didn't love her. I just don't like her. I don't think she acts like that at school. According to her teacher she is super shy and quiet and is very obidient. My friend says she is like that when she is at their house, too. But at home she is out of control.
It's just gotten to the point that we are all stressed out. The other kids have started acting up, especially when she is around. They fight and scream at each other. When she isn't around (like when she spends the weekend at her friend's house or in the summer she spends whole weeks there) things in the house are happy and calm. The kids fight but they usually resolve their differences quickly and get back to playing. They other kids are much more apt to listen when she isn't here. They actually volunteer to help clean up the house and are eager to help. When she is around nothing gets done because they refuse to start picking up if she isn't going to help and she won't start picking up unless they are already picking up so instead they all just scream at each other.
I know Brenna, especially, is fed up. Meagan uses her and walks all over her and has since they were 2 and 4. She convinces Brenna to do naughty things and then blames it all on Brenna. They share toys and clothes and she refuses to pick them up and if Brenna doesn't want to lose them she has to do it all herself.
I mean my almost 3yo can clean her room all by herself with little whining and actually put everything where it belongs in a responsible fashion so why can't an almost 9yo handle that? I don't understand what her problem is.
I found out from my son that she has been staying up late reading with a flashlight. Bedtime is 7pm for a reason. They usually fall asleep by 8pm and are up at 6:30 to get ready for school. They need that amount of sleep to get a good start to the day. If we let them stay up until 8pm then they aren't asleep until 9pm, etc. So she is staying up until 9-10pm reading and then is cranky as hell in the morning. She screws around and doesn't start eating breakfast until after 7pm (the other kids are dressed and ready to go by then) and doesn't start getting dressed until 7:20 (we leave at 7:35). We are late leaving almost every single day because of her.
And if I tell her to hurry up she purposefully goes slower. She even tells me she is going slower on purpose because she's mad. I can't take it any more. I'm about to snap and I don't want it to come to that. That's why she is getting away with it this weekend. I need her to go somewhere else away from me before I completely come unhinged.
Tomorrow is the Daytona 500 and I plan to relax, have a few beers, eat way too much pizza and enjoy the race. Hopefully they will keep her until the evening.
(((HUGS)))) It sounds to me like she is testing her limits. You'll figure it out!
Of course, this will indeed affect the family as a whole. My son's problems do as well. Including the ODD.
My oldest was having a lot of problems at a school where she was in the gifted program. After placing her back in her zone school, no problems since. Yes, she did start some of the fights, but not all of them. She was "labeled" by the school off the bat. So, I pulled her.
She is 9 and she does some of what your daughter is doing. My 7 year old son with the ODD and other disorders does all that, and then some.
Between the two, it is never a dull moment, lol. My oldest had some counceling. My son still sees his therapist. And I talk to the dr. as well and we all work as a team. To help the family as a whole. Not just the affected child.
Counceling I think would be a wonderful thing for you individually, her individually and even some family counceling altogether.
She senses how you feel about her, and she is responding to those vibes. My guess is that one reason you and she knock heads is because the two of you are an awfully lot alike. That's the way it is with most moms and daughters. Another thing is I wonder if she really feels that you love her at all, much less as much as the other children. Also, instead of ordering her to clean up her room, why not use it as one-on-one time with her and offer to help her clean her room. At eight and a half, cleaning a room is a pretty daunting task to be undertaken unassisted. Heck, it's pretty daunting for me, and I'm an old woman.
After trying everything else I'm willing to do therapy (if we can figure out a schedule). Whatever because I can't live like this any more. Her attitude effects everyone and then I get depressed and that brings everyone down.
She just left to go to her friend's house a few minutes ago and it was like there was a collective sigh in the house when the door closed. It is just sad.
She does think I hate her. She tells me that all the time. She thinks I'm mean to her on purpose and that I do things to get her into trouble. If she is late, if she messes up, if she doesn't clean her room, etc, it is ALWAYS my fault. She has absolutely no sense of self-responsibility. It can never possibly be her fault that she can't do something.
As for the room cleaning. We have tried it both ways. I used to offer to help them (the 3 older ones share a room) clean their room but that always ended in her picking up one thing at a time then wandering around the room for 5 mintues before putting it away while I did the bulk of the work. If I took a break she automatically stops until I come back. In the end I did all the work and she would pick up 3 or 4 things and then complain when ever one stopped "helping" her because we were fed up with doing all the work. So I quit helping them. Half the time she would just wander off and go watch TV while I was busy cleaning up her messes.
I believe she is perfectly capable of cleaning her room on her own. Like I said, my 2yo cleaned her room by herself the other day. She put everything where it belonged. My 6yo and 7yo can clean the room (when they put their minds to it--they do a much better job when Meagan isn't around because they feed off her negativity).
We're all just fed up with her. My dad thinks she acts like a 2yo and is refusing to allow her into his room (which used to be THE place to be because Papa lets them watch TV all day and drink Pepsi and what not). After she threw a fit on Wed. and we had to leave for school without her so the other kids wouldn't be late my dad told her she better shape up because she wasn't acting like an 8yo (he was pissed because she was so loud it woke him up). She was then mad at everyone and on the way to school told me it was my fault she was late because I didn't wait for her. I gave her 10 extra minutes to get ready and she just pitched her fit and told me she was purposefully going slow so we would all be late and then was pissed that I actually left without her (which I have threatened to do before).
I'm just glad she's gone for the weekend. I need a break. The other kids seem glad she's gone, too. It's already quieter here and Owen and Brenna are playing happily together, Nora is taking a nap. I think I'll look into finding a therapist close by.
I'm terrified of how she is going to be as a teenager because she is so bad now. If I didn't know she was only 8 I would think she was PMSing or something. Her mood swings are ridiculous. One minute she is an angel and helpful and then seconds later (usually after I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do...it could be as simple as "put your shoes in the cubby by the door") she will flip out and be screaming that she hates me and everyone hates her. It's insane.
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Is there a trick to this??
"I'm just sick of it and I'm sick of her. I don't want her around me any more."
She's a CHILD. It's your job as her mother to figure out why she is acting out and help her. She's crying out because she needs something - maybe your unconditional love.
- crazyhappylife
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