Son of a Bitch Everything's Real

[Malapertinent]

Ok, Ok, so I borrowed the saying from AA.  Yesterday it fit, today it fits and tomorrow it will fit.

Valentine's took a whole new spin for me this year.  How to write without coming across completely co-dependent?  Wow! 

This was the "first" one of many days to come that will be new and different.  That's what life does for you.  Full circle, back to square one, "re-born", flying solo, ohhh, I could go on, but I get my own drift.

I wanted this, have for a long time and swear at times I could taste my independence. 

When I finally could formalize entire sentences to explain where I was, articulate what I needed to do for me and apologize for taking so long to do it, I felt so relieved. 

The guilt is all but consuming at times, but I have mustered through that and it happens less and less, [patting myself on back]. 

I've listened to friends, b/c at this point, loved ones aren't so loving, or how should I say...on the same page as I am, wanting for MY best interests.  That's a funny thing all on it's own.  Do people actually stay married for everyone else?  Not just their spouse and kids, but the extended family?  OMG.  Shame on me for assuming that I would have any sort of support there.

Thank God my friends are genuine, real & authentic.  Does that mean they tell me what I want to hear?  Ha!  If they did, they would soon find themselves having tea with MY family.  I appreciate the brutal honesty and their truths.

Ok, I am totally derailing here, more evidence of where I believe my head has been for so long, that I remember nothing prior to this cacophony. 

My point was simple, after "surviving" my first holiday.  It's finally kicked in.  I have successfully accomplished what I set out to do (almost) and my reality is starting to set in.

It's almost like a delayed trauma, the mind and body go into a similar shock, so to speak. 

Then comes the wine, vodka, whatever your vice is.  I am empathetic to those who use the vice to survive.

I was graced by friends two nights in a row and I'm eternally grateful.  If they hadn't intervened, I am afraid that I would have found myself surrounded by 1/2 used Kleenex, an empty bottle of wine, something full of sugar in one hand, remote in other, watching Sleepless in Seattle, Bridges Over Madison County, or something to completely consume (along with the booze and sweets) my tears and pitiful state.

I am thinking, damn!  "Way to go," and on the other hand, it's "what the hell?  Suck it up, you wanted this, get your shit together," which is where I prefer to be, but forgot one little thing.

Magnitude. 

I weighed so many options, focusing on how to shelter my kids from any heartache, pain and problem solved all potential worries for them.  I worded and re-worded all the comforting things to tell this soon to be ex, to soothe him on some level, that he's a great person, a good dad, just not for me.  I reiterated time and time again, to my mother, who also thought the soon to be ex or STBX was indeed MY cat's meow (now wondering if he was HERS) assuring her that despite what she perceived, I AM NOT HAPPY and have a right to be.

All my "i's" dotted and my "t's" crossed.  Shoelaces knotted tightly so they don't come undone during the run. 

I never stopped to think about what the down time was going to be or feel like.  Down time as in Valentine's Day, for example.  As in being sick and wanting someone to hold my hair back when I threw up, to get me a Gatorade, turn on the heated blanket.  Someone to hand off when I am exhausted physically & emotionally, from working long hours with broken people.

This has been a S*O*B*E*R ing experience.  SON OF A BITCH EVERYTHING's REAL.

I know these things are hurdles that have to be crossed one at a time.  I know that there will be times that my lift won't be high enough and I'll tip a few over, and I also know that I can finish the race. 

Maybe a skinned knee, bruised ego, even last place, but I will finish this race.

I will finish this race. 

I will continue to repeat these words, until I believe them and I finish this race.

[ArbonneJunkie]

Feb. 15, 2009 at 1:55 PM

Ok, you made me cry woman!  I've been there... it was many years ago and I was much younger and stupider, but I've been pretty much where you are right now.  Just remember... you deserve to be happy and sometimes we have to walk through the bramble patch to get to the meadow!  It's a very different experience to realize that all your life there's been a constant and then to realize that you allowed yourself to be so dependant on that constant that it scares the hell out of you!  But... you still have constants... and one's that are here to hold you up and help you do what makes you happy, not convince you that you are happy making everyone else happy!  LOL

Glad you survived and glad that there were good friends to pull you through!  Congrats!  First of many hurdles passed...

[MemawBrie]

Feb. 15, 2009 at 2:01 PM

I could have SO chosen this path.  Thank you for sharing your story, and best of luck to you! STAY STRONG! 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen

[mommyof4angelz]

Feb. 15, 2009 at 2:18 PM

damn woman we have to RUN? can we keep it at a healthy jog? I am sooo outta shape but  will run, jog, walk or even crawl right beside you through this. I am here for you but you already know this:)    I luv ya ambie! wish I was there in person to drink along side ya and make you laugh! I bet Tina and I could  make you pee ur pants from laughin so hard!

 

[rosepetal209]

Feb. 16, 2009 at 12:55 AM

OK, I have a better idea...How about you, me and Steph take this jogging/running thing together but lets twist it up a little....One of us will run and pull the other two in a wagon and then we can switch off who pulls the wagon? I will of coarse load the wagon up with booze and each time we find a shady patch of grass we will pull over, have a drink, talk a little and then get back on our way. Thats what friends do and if the puller of the wagon falls and skins their knee the other two can comfort them and pour another drink. You know Im always here no matter what. Ill always share what I did when I was where you are...Weve had some good talks and Im confident that Steph and I have helped at least a little along the way. You got this! You can do it...and whenever you are feeling weak and tired I promise to pick you up and carry you until you can walk again. ILY always!

[redhead3fan]

Feb. 16, 2009 at 11:49 PM

I am reading what everyone has written and you have to know that you are not alone. You are much loved, and have touched many lives. Whatever and whenever you need. I got the bluetooth charged, the toes...well need a little touchup but we got your back.

[MZNESMOM]

Feb. 20, 2009 at 2:27 PM

Real sucks. I'm sorry for your pain and glad for your eventual calmness. It does get better. Or at least less-sucky. Our catalis were opposite, but our station is the same. Alone. Mom. Woman. I'm here if you ever need an ear that is "there" with you.