2-17-09

[lilmama.4]

This past weekend was a long weekend. I did have a break from the younger ones. Maya my 8 year old went for her first weekend stay at Edgewood.  And Aubrey and Jeremiah went to my friends home with her two little boys for the weekend. Ally my oldest stayed with me. I worked all weekend at the Working Womans Show doing virtual makeovers, but then also had to work at my other job Saturday night. Ally also worked the show and had so much fun. She is so smart.

I was a little sad to be alone on Saturday (Valentines day) but I also really do not want to be with anyone right now.

Friday I took my 6 year old for her first screening with her psychologists. We are going again this Friday. I think it went well. He wants to spend time with her before just giving her a diagnosis. Her counselor and I believe that she also has BiPolar like her older sister. Some days here it feels like we live in a tornado. It can be so hard. So hard but I love them so much.

Tonight was hard. I think they are all tired from our long weekend, and any change in our routine always causes problems. My 8 and 6 year old just do not do good with change, even if it is fun or good, they just don't like change.

My friend said that Aubrey and Jeremiah were also talking a lot about there dad this weekend. Last time they saw him was Christmas. He calls my oldest daughters phone maybe once every other weekend, but He does not even ask to see them. This is not new. I just don't understand. It makes me so mad, and I want to beat the crap out of him, but I can't make him want to be a dad.

We were married for ten years before our divorce was final. He left us due to a drug problems that got him in a ton of lies and other life that he was living. When he left me, I wanted to die. Even tho we had a really ruff marriage (due to the lies that he was always getting caught in) he was my world. I loved him so much and really thought we would make it through anything and grow old together. I was so hurt, and then had to heal. My self esteem was horrible, because of all the verbal abuse I also lived with.

But I did grow stronger. Grew closer to God and let the healing start. I wanted to be a strong and loving mother for my babies (and yes they are all his) My kids and I are so close and we are very loving. I hope someday he can get himself healthy. I know we will never be together again, but for the kids. It kills me to see them hurt.

And now I am also hurting them. My oldest ... well lost some of her respect. She knows how babies are made, and I so wanted to be a example of a strong woman and what I want for them with guys and dating. I have not dated much, took years to find myself, but I had to ask her to forgive me. She did. I just wish I could be perfect lol don't we all wish for that.

Ally my oldest does agree that us trying to take care of a baby would just be to hard right now, and agrees with finding a home for this child. I think when the time comes it will be harder for her but right now she is really ok with the whole thing. Aubrey loves to tell people that God picked us to grow a baby for a family that can't have babys. Jeremiah not sure how much he really gets. But Maya keeps going back and forth. She is coming with me to a counseling visit with my adoption counselor tomorrow at 12:30. She talks to the baby and tells it she is going to miss it. So for her I want a open adoption. Just pictures and updates for her.

But these next few months are going to be so hard. I am high risk, and going for a ultra sound tomorrow also. Having them every 2 weeks. I do not carry my babies to full term. So watching me close. I am so scared that I will be put on bed rest soon. How am I going to pay my bills? I do not get child support. I know God will take care of us, but I am still worried about everything.

I also have been thinking about what that day will look like when I do have this baby. Do I want to spend a day with him or her, to say good bye? How hard this is going to be. But I do feel so strong that this is the right thing. It almost feels like this is not my child. I know that sounds weird, but it feel so different then how I felt when I was pregnant with my other kids. I love this baby, but I know I can't care for another. I know this is the best choice for my family. And in a way almost excited to bless a family. But I know that day is going to be so hard.

Maybe someday Gods plans will be for a man to be in our life again. Maybe get married and maybe then have another baby. I don't know. Or Maybe not. And I am ok with being alone. All tho I do miss having someone to go and get me food at 3am, or rub my feet. Some nights I just feel so alone.

I also am not finding out the sex of the baby. I don't want to know right now. We did name the baby... Potato :) Cause this baby LOVES potatos lol. The kids know that the babies new mommy and daddy with give it a name, but they wanted a name to call it for now. Baby Potato :) I love it!

Well I am off to bed.

[KateKevinAdopt]

Feb. 17, 2009 at 12:19 AM

Thank you for sharing your journey here....I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.