Is Your Man Acting Strange? It Might Be a Good Old Fashioned Identity Crisis!

[kimbaustin]

These blogs are often a strange and wonderful process for me.  What I am writing about today wasn't even on my mind when I started, but somehow it this thought has been triggered, so I am going to follow it through. 

I have been trying to teach my children about their "identity" in our leadership class.  It's tough for young children, even gifted children to grasp this concept because they have so little a sense of their own mortality at this point.  Basically, they have no point of reference.  But in thinking about how we define ourselves, and then establish and play out our identities in real life, something suddenly became crystal clear to me-I now completely understand the concept of the midlife crisis!  

Maybe it's because at "40 something", my husband and I are now technically "mid-lifers".  Maybe it's because I just came through my own identity crisis and now think my husband is having one.  Anyway, I figure this must be affecting millions of other men and women besides me, so I am bringing it up for discussion.

Men are, by nature, the hunters and providers.  Let's not fight millions of years of biology.  Let's just acknowledge that fact and honor them for being genetically predisposed to bringing home the bacon.  With that, they spend most of their life focused on "outcome".  Of course, the outcome changes at different times in their lives.  As young single men, they naturally have different desired outcomes than they do as career and family men.  But regardless of what stage they are in, they are still focused on an outcome:  graduating from college, getting a job, earning a paycheck, building an empire, doing deals, establishing a legacy, the list goes on...  Along the way, they make time for secondary roles like husband, father, coach, "big brother", but their sense of identity comes from the primary role. 

Because of this, men often think of themselves as "what they do", not who they are.  "I am a doctor, I am a lawyer, I am a plumber, etc..."  Their outcome becomes their identity.  The problem is that when they are not doing it, they aren't!    I think hard economic times amplify the situation and may accelerate this thought process.  Many men have been fired, laid off or somehow "in their mind" failed!  Because their self-worth is often tied to their net worth, it's left them in a very vulnerable state of mind.   How quickly they recover from this state, depends on where they are in their development and how open minded they are spiritually.

A younger man might bounce back more quickly.  They are ready to get right back up on that horse, spurred on by the challenge of achieving another outcome.  A more mature man may ask, what horse will I get onto, and why? The thrill of the outcome may have dwindled a bit and, this is where the identity crisis begins.   Suddenly, he may realize that the "gig" he has relied on is no longer satisfying or available to him.  Times are a changin' or he is a changin'.  He may realize that the same level of thinking that made him successful in the past will no longer get him to where he needs to be in the future.  His very foundation is crumbling around him.  Now what?  He begins to wonder, "who am I?"

Maybe for the first time in his life, he is looking for something more than outcome but doesn't know where to find it since he has never looked beyond outcome before.    He is now realizing that what he seeks is purpose and he is temporarily lost.  He may start to associate blame with everything in his past that could have possibly contributed to his current state of confusion.  In his aloneness, he may reject the very relationships that could actually help him through his crisis.  This may explain some of the bizarre behavior we see from some middle aged men; the affairs, the big toys, the brightly colored vehicles, etc....

I am generalizing about men in this article.  Women go through this as well.  I, personally just recovered from my third identity crisis and after much struggling, my life is finally "on purpose."  I have to say, it's a relief and a blessing to be there.  I am truly grateful.  I wish my husband was here with me, but he has his own struggle ahead. 

I keep asking my husband to tell me what he wants and why.  He seems to be in touch with what he wants, but cannot tell me why he wants it.  In the "why" lie the clues to the real purpose of our lives, and only we can answer that question for ourselves in our own time and our own way.

My question is how many of you are experiencing your own identity crisis or watching your hubby go through one?  How can we support our men during this time to make sure they emerge with a strong sense of purpose that will carry them through the rest of their lives?  Please feel free to respond.