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The last days of my life...*WARNING-heartbreaking*
- Feb 20, 2009 at 7:23 PM
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- Comments (26) Total Views (472) Everyone can see this journal post.
I write this a week and a day later. Reading further, if you choose, you'll understand why. Either way, I need to get this out. Supposedly, it's healthy. At this point, I don't know what else to do.
Friday, February 6th
Woke Gabriel up to take Nate to school. There is a stiff patch on his crib sheet and his hair is a little matted in places.. obviously my lil one has thrown up a bit in his sleep. We take a quick lil bath before dressing and taking Nate to school. Is lethargic all day, so we do lots of cuddling til mommy goes to work. (At this point, February 20th, i don't remember how many times he threw up each day)
Saturday
Gabe gets up and throws up again. Still no fever, no diarrhea. Keeping some foods down and still wetting diapers, having BMs. Whiny and wants mommy. Mommy's okay with this. We lay on the couch for a while and Nate and Daddy go upstairs to play. We get lonely and go upstairs to join. They leave us and go DOWNSTAIRS. Ugh! We take a nap on mommy's bed. Wake up and mommy's got to get ready to go to work.
Sunday
My baby boy is still getting sick. We're thinking its a stomach virus. Just waiting it out...
Monday
Morning went okay. Gabe not wanting breakfast. Threw up water after his afternoon nap! WTH?! Will try just one more day. Eats well in the afternoon and at night time. Keeps it all down. Still quite a bit lethargic.
Tuesday
Gabe has thrown up at least once a day, every day. Enough's enough. Calling Pediatrician to make an emergency appointment. 11:30? We'll be there. He's up from his nap, we head out. He throws up as we check in, but there's nothing, because he's had nothing by mouth since this morning's vomit session. Pediatrician checks him -ears, eyes, mouth, chesk.. all clear. She says stomach viruses of all sorts are going around - she assumes that's what this is. No diarrhea and fever don't mean anything; viruses don't always have those symptoms. I am skeptical. It's been 5 days and no one else picked this up, not even the brother he shares a room with?! No one else has been around him and had a virus.. what the heck kinda incubation time is that?! Okay, you're the doctor...Ask her about a possible partial obstruction. Sends us downstairs for a wet chest XRay and pelvic XRay. Will call later with results. Takes Gabe's eight and discusses possibly putting him on lo-dose Zantac to reduce acid irritation in stomach. Will see after test results. Calls during dinner, ~1730. XRays aren't picking anything up. Will check in tomorrow to see if he's okay.
Wednesday
Woke up energetic and playing with toys a bit before breakfast. Am hopeful. Today he threw up a single bite of a dry waffle and a little yogurt. (Was trying to keep him away from dairy, but at this point, I just want him to keep something down in the AM!!) He is so whiny now! It's breaking my heart. Updated the pediatrician when she called. She said we will try to give him one more day. Husband texts at night to say that Gabriel's been really busy emptying his toybox aka playing with everything! but threw up some of his before-bed cereal and had congestion, which is a new symptom. Great! One more thing for my lil punkin to contend with. Get home and give my boys good night kisses. Gabe sounds really stuffy. Make sure the humidifier is filled, as always. Poor baby.
Thursday, February 12th
Gabe is still sleeping when I go to wake up Nate. Breakfast is done, it's 730 and I want to get Gabe up so Nate can get ready for school.
Now this is where it gets so hard. My baby died. And I didn't even know it. I sat downstairs and watched my older boy eat while my sweet innocent little Angel was lying in his crib alone, meeting God. I went to wake him and he was cold. Not a total shock since he kicks his covers off all the time. But when he didn't respond to my voice or my light shake, I knew. I freaked. I called 911. I performed CPR. I witnessed the most horrible sights that I don't even want to share because my heart is breaking as it is. But I already knew it was too late.
I can't even go through the whole story even now. My baby is gone, and they STILL can't tell me why. "[They] thought it would be an open & shut case." They took blood and tissue samples, they autopsied. They have no clue and say that it feels like it will probably be months before they might even have a clue. MONTHS!
They say I shouldn't blame myself. How can I not?? I HEARD he was congested. I checked on him til I went to bed at midnight. I SHOULD have stayed awake. I SHOULD have woken him up to clear his nose again. I SHOULD have taken him to the hospital since I just didn't feel that it was a stomach virus. A Good Mother would have. But I didnt. I slept while my baby - my best friend, truly, since we were together so much and did virtually everything together - passed away. How do you not blame yourself? How do you just accept that "It's God's will" and "It was meant to be"?!?!?!
My house is so lonely. There are no baby giggles. No chubby-armed hugs. No wet little kisses. No requests to be picked up. No baby gibberish in the middle of the night or at nap times. No thumb-sucking. I'm still so hurt, so lost and lonely, so bewildered.
They say I should talk to someone. Why?! That won't change anything. It won't make me feel better. I've taked to family. Talked to our priest. Talked to the damn funeral director!!! They've given me a tape for The Caring Place. Given me numbers to call and more food than my fridge could hold. I still hug my older son, make time for him, try to keep Gabe from becoming a taboo subject, but inside I am so dead. I told hubby that, God forgive me, but if it weren't for the fact that it was already here, I would never want to have another child. It's not fair but I know I will compare. And Gabriel is just irreplacable. He was sucha beautiful and literally perfect child. Never cried unless he was hungry or tired.. or for a split second if you yelled or he fell and got hurt. But then you just opened your arms to him and he turned his back to you, threw himself against you, stuck his left thumb in his mouth and life was okay again.
He's gone, and they can't tell me why. And maybe never will be able to. How do I live with that?
How do I live with myself? How do i trust myself to raise another child?? I check on Nate a hundred times a night. I talk to Gabe first thing in the day, last thing in the day and all throughout. I returned to work today (hence internet access) because I can't STAND the silence and being alone at home. We had a schedule that is so deeply ingrained that the breaking of it, and the endless silence, is oppressive. Even when we went out, there are certain things that were just .... static.
I am terrified that I will forget habits or subtleties of his behavior, so I went and bought a journal to write it down. His penchant for raising his arms, arms up and shoulders hunched, to ask to be picked up. His race up the steps to take a bath. His superman dives in the tub while we play peekaboo with the curtain. His clapping and looking around as if to ask, "Why aren't you clapping, too?" when the Jeopardy! audience claps.
I have so much to say and I just don't feel like I can get it all out. I am so desolate. Nate is handling everything so well and I make damn sure that we spend lots of time together daily. We give lots of kisses and hugs. Say I Love You all the time. (nothing new, but it's extra special now.) Most days, he will tell you that he had a little brother but he is with God in heaven. I reinforce this, but there are days where it is just so damn hard for me to swallow. How could God take someone so little, so young, so innocent?! Then I tennis ball back to, How could he NOT want someone so sunny and beautiful and special and wonderful?!
The priest said the truest thing - You won't fear death now. You know what is waiting for you on the other side. And then, Monday, the 16th, my OB said the next most true thing - you're kinda numb right now. In a week, a month, three months.. you're gonna hurt like hell.
And so I try my best to keep my faith strong. I'll never see him again if I don't. Supposedly. So hard to find something to believe in. I see-saw every moment. And I eat because my OB says I have to and I know he's right. But God! I don't even want to BREATHE, much less eat. And it isn't that I don't love my older son, I ADORE him too. But I was a better mother to Gabriel BECAUSE of Nathaniel. And I spent more personal time with him. And more recent. ...
I'm losing my point. I'm still rambling. I just needed to get this out. I don't know what to do. Am just hurting so bad. Please pray. I need it so much. I just odn't know what to do anymore...
Comments:
I'm sorry I didn't read any further after you had said that you lil one passed away and you didn't know it. My heart is breaking. I am so incredibly sorry, I can't even express it. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.
Your post made me cry all the way through it, I'm sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry....My thoughts and my prayers are with you and your family. 
You are still on my heart today, Mommy. I'm praying for you and your family. I can't even imagine the pain and loss that you are feeling right now. It's just not fair.
((((HUGS))))
I keep saying 'thank you' to everyone and it just seems so inadequate. Please understand the thought that goes farther than simple words.
I'm normally a far more spiritual person than religious, per se, but I've been praying a lot lately for the strength to make it through this and not let it affect my older son, not make him feel less important etc. The strength, too, to hold on to my belief that I'm not being punished. I keep hearing everyone when they say that God loved him more, there's a bigger plan, it was His will, etc. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me mad sometimes. (Hence, asking for more strength to just believe.) I wanted you all to know that I appreciate the support. In the years that I've been on this site, I've come to depend on it. Which would be why I chose this forum to "get it all out." Thank you all for being so receptive and kind.
GET IT OUT!!! Just let it ALL out...it's best for you and the baby that you are carrying......
I'm so sorry for the loss of your child......IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As you come to accept his death you need to ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!
You (& your family) are in my thoughts and prayers.....
This is my worst fear...as I read the post in the Pittsburgh Steeler forum I just cried and ask for a hug from my son and then really started to ball.....at times like this it's really hard to know what to say on either end....just know that we all care for you & are sending prayers.....and be sure to keep comfort in knowing that your family has a very special lil angel looking after you named GABE!!!!!
I'm so sorry, I just cannot adequately express how sorry I am for you. I'll keep your family in my thoughts, my heart is absolutely broken for you right now. Please, take care.
I'm so sorry. I can't possibly imagine what you and your family are going through. I know that I want to tell you that it was not your fault, but feeling the way you do is okay. It's part of your process. Again, I'm so sorry for your families loss of such a sweet little baby boy.
(hugs)
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