Cant Sleep

[MearaFayak]

I cant sleep, big suprise, thats been the normal for a while now.  I cant sleep.  I miss my Maelie.  I miss her so much and I blame myself for not takeing her in earlier.  I hurt so much, she was so.....mine....so....full of life. and potential and now she is gone and I miss her. 

I know her daddy does to but not quite the same way.  He has the ability to put things to the side in his mind and focus on the here and now and just what is at hand, but I cant and I miss her.

Sometimes I wonder if she had to go so that Aislyn would get a fair shot at all of our love. So many people counted Maelie as their fav.  I dont know why.. she just had that sparkle. Aislyn is adoriable and bright and amazing and all the things a baby is supposed to be but Maelie had enough chrisima to be the first woman president if she wanted to.

And I hate my self for thinking this way.

Just like I regret not reveling in my pregnancy, or how I got my tubes tied in November. Now I realize that I would actully like a large family and I've made it very difficult for that to EVER happen.  I'm so stupid

I was trying to do the responsible and right thing and now I'm kicking myself for it.

I miss my baby and I know that another child wont replace her but its almost borring takeing care of just one child.  And I'm sure there are parrents out there who are struggling with just one child and I'm sorry for that and I dont mean to offend or hurt but for me, just Aislyn is lacking some how.  And I NEVER want AIslyn to think she is laking. 

OH I miss my Maelie!

she would almost be crawling now.. or at least truning over more consistantly.. she just learned how to do that just before she passed.

I wonder how her eating would be going now that she would have a complete and whole mouth to work with.  Would she be talking more.  would her Maelie dance have more steps or no?

Does she still see me, is she around?  Does it make her sad when I cry.  Dose she miss me and her daddy and sisster?Or do we just miss her and she sits up there happy and content to wait for us to come join her?

I still sleep with her blankey, and I still hug her snow suit, thaat fit so good it would be an exact mold of her little body if i were to stuff it... I still pretend that i can smell her in her stuffed animals, and I still cant give those stuffed animals to her sister... NO I haven't taken down  her crib and I'm not sure when I'm going to.. maybe when we move or when Aislyn gets a toddler bed. And thenI dont know what I'm gonna do with it...

I can understand how parrents shut down when they loose a child, I wish I could, my heart hurts so badly.  SOme day I'll hold her again.... someday my heart will be whole again... I never thought I could love anything or anyone so utterly compleatly untill I had children, and then I did an dI did, and then i lost....

why why why why... why didn't i say "hey lets just stop by the hospital and get her checked ou" on friday

why on sat didn't I push to make us take her in earlier... why did I not listen to the nurse on the phone..not that by that time much would have made a diffrence... at least i dont think so.

Why did she die?

Why do we all have to deal with this?

why did i get twins only to loose one of them... why why why..

oh lord I miss her..

I cant feel her anymore... I cant remember how it felt to hold both of them.. to feed her, to snuggle her, to smell her...

I MISS  HER!!!!!!!

I held it together for most of their birthday party... except fro the angel food cake... we had an angel food cake with a sepreat 1 on it for her and we sung happy birthday to her and then jerry and I blew out her candle....

I miss her i miss her i miss her and sometimes i hate myself...

i feel like a failure,, that i could not protect her for even one year...

sigh....

i just wish i could get a good nights sleep it might make things feel a bit better...

maybe....

kinda...

sorta...

but i still miss her.

always will