-
Conspiracy Theories
- Feb 26, 2009 at 9:55 PM
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- Comments (5) Total Views (71) Everyone can see this journal post.
When I got married nearly eight
years ago, I had many ideas of what marriage might be like. However, I
was unclear on the details. I grew up in a single parent home, so my
impressions were slightly
jaded. I knew that we would be partners in this exciting adventure
called life, that we would somehow buy a house and settle down, and
that eventually we would procreate. I imagined romantic retreats to the
bedroom on our days off, spontaneous bouquets of flowers simply because
he thought I was wonderful, idyllic holiday celebrations with a Martha
Stewart spread, an adorable home decorated to suit our (obviously!)
compatible tastes, and so on (you are getting the nauseating picture by now, I assume?).
Somewhere
around month two, reality hit. There are so many things "they" don't
tell you when you are approaching marriage. It's the second biggest
conspiracy on planet earth (the first being the absence of truth when
discussing how child birth really feels). No one warns you of the middle of the night sitz
bath you get surprised with when he leaves the seat up, the "wonderful"
in-laws who don't understand the concept of calling first,
morning-breath kisses and late night noises accompanied by foul smells,
or forgotten birthdays and absent-minded "I'm sorry"s. However, lest I
give the wrong impression, my husband is
wonderful. He does surprise me still (with less regularity, but no less
charm) with gifts, helps me around the house, and loves me
unconditionally.
By
year two, I was getting my groove on. I had passed the point of
expectations; I expected nothing and was (frequently) pleasantly
surprised with something. We got our home, figured out our respective
roles, had a marvelous partnership going, and then WHAM! We had a
collision with reality; our couple status changed to that of a family.
This brings us to the single largest conspiracy on planet earth. Bear
with me as I explain the many ways people mask the truth of what is
about to happen to you: "Life is going to be so full
now..." or "Your home is going to filled with joy" ... or "You two will
make marvelous parents". My two favorites were the biggest whoppers we
heard: "It's the most natural thing in the world; once she's here,
you'll know just what to do!" and "You won't even remember the pain;
you'll just be glad she's here."
Where
do I start? First of all, yes life is full now that we are parents.
Full of noise, sticky substances, diapers of unknown and undesirable
contents, joy, giggles, hugs, smiles, kisses, early morning wake-up
calls, and adventures that never cease to surprise me on a daily basis.
Marvelous parents? I hope so. I do feel as though some poor schmuck
that aspires to be a psychologist is going to make a fortune off of the
fodder I am providing my children with to dump in his lamp someday,
though. But, hey, kids are resilient, right? God, I pray that's true!
We are learning right alongside of them.
On
to the biggies. While it's true that immediately following the birth of
both children, I knew I needed sleep, I think the "knowing" stopped
there. I knew I was supposed to breastfeed, but no one prepared me for
what would happen when they screamed with hunger but wouldn't eat. I
knew they needed clean diapers, but I never knew such a little body
could produce such massive waste. I knew they needed love, and yes,
that part was wonderfully easy and rewarding to provide. I stand by my
initial assessment, however, that each and every child should come out
holding an instruction manual, bearing an off-switch, and carrying a
bottle of aspirin. Then, just then, it might be true that parents will
survive and know exactly what to do. As for that other whopper, I won't
even go into how well I remember the feeling of natural childbirth. No
amount of mind-altering substances will ever convince me that pushing a
watermelon through the eye of a needle isn't that bad. Worth it?
Certainly. But still, that bad!
In the absence of the instruction manual and off-switch (oh, thank the
Lord for aspirin!), we have muddled through about five years with no
major calamities to speak of, and a small but cherished part of our
sanity still remains with us. We have a plethora of memories: moments
that make us tear up for their impact on our hearts, instances that
still cause us to laugh so hard that snarfing soda out one's nose is
not an impossibility, and special details that belong only to the
hearts of a parent. Every second has not only been worth it, but has
been wonderful!
In spite of the
conspiracies,
the hours (days!) spent having contractions, and all of the mishaps
that have occurred over the last five years ... I would not trade a
single moment. In fact, I'd probably be present for more of them! I'd
put down the book, walk away from the computer, or skip that night out
to be there for some of the things I've missed. Every smile, every
tear, every giggle, every second is WONDERFUL! I love being a mom!
Being a wife is equally wonderful, and I thank God daily for my
husband. All
in all, life is full of surprising twists and turns. The most
fulfilling, amusing, and daunting of which are marriage and parenting.
And conspiracy theories to keep us unwittingly innocent of the truths
of both!
To ready more of my musings, follow me HERE.
Tags: conspiracy, parenting, marriage, lies, truth, reality, funny, humor
Comments:
You are totally right ... it was def worth it!!! I had a friend have a baby recently and she had been told that and asked if she'd forget ... I had to tell her no, but then I told her she'd do it again and even look forward to it!
Amen sister..I can relate to so much you written! you should write a book..I would buy it in a heartbeat.
jerzee11, you just made my night!!! I want to, so badly, but I'm just not sure I have enough interesting things to say. I have 1 non-fiction one I'm working on (regarding dating, waiting, and marriage), but I also want to write a slightly humorous one about life.
P.S. I am fixing the grammar mistakes; I apologize for being so tired that I missed them the first go 'round.
k I totally agree, plus you had me bawling. I remember when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was soo scared and excited!! I knew it was an adventure that hubby and I were on and I was ready!!! I remember every moment of childbirt and pregnancy. I had a horrible time on both. I honestly try not to scare new moms by not mentioning the 24 hrs of labor or the 4 plus hours of pushing followed by a c-section where I proceeded to throw up on hubby during my daughter's birth. I say it is totally worth it!!! Being a mom is the best thing I have done and even though I am still scared to mess up (5 years later) I would do it all again in a heartbeat!! Thanks for being back all the awsome mememories they grow up soo fast, you need to stop and smell the roses!!
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One correction. It was not that bad. It was remarkably worse than that. But it was also way more worth it than I'd ever known possible.
So I guess that one cancels the other one out? Nah...the part that's way worth it wins.