The one left behind.

[NaterbugsMom]

I swear, I've gotten stuck in a selfish rut lately.  As is somehow I'm the only one who ever lost a child.  At least I'm not one of those parents who pushed the other child away.  God, I couldn't imagine not having Nate around.  As much as he may drive me nuts, and as much as the little things might irk me, man there are times I am so grateful that he's there to irritate me! LoL

For instance, today he was just a motor-mouth! I mean, GEEZ.  Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak.. blah blah blah blah blah... and the chatter is reassuring.  Its the quiet that worries me.  I go into his room a hundred times a night to make sure he's breathing.  And it freaks me out when its so quiet that i can't hear it over the sound of the humidifier.  I creep over to him and have had to go so far as lowering my ear right over his mouth.  Good thing, yes, because it means there's no congestion or anything, but bad thing for a paranoid mom!

These past two days have been really rough.  Obviously, this close to the actual happening is rough.  But there are days when I can actually go without crying.  These past two, i could be doing something totally unrelated (i.e. reading) and i'll just stop, put the book down and start to bawl.  Believe it or not, there are still times that I find it hard to accept.  I'll walk past his crib at night with the shadows over it and do a double-take. 

Thank God Nate's only had one bad day at school.  His teacher said that he was being anti social, kinda going away from the group to be by himself, had curled into a fetal position under a table and she opted to send him to the counselor.  Nate says they talked about feelings. 

Jeff is dealing, same as me.  He has his boss at work, who also lost a child some years ago, so at least he's got someone to talk to.

*sigh* Just getting some thoughts out.  I've met a couple people here who have just been tremendously helpful and supportive and to those two ladies (one local, one not) I just want to say how much I have appreciated everything, from the emails, the offers of babysitting, the friendly and non-judgemental ears.. everything.  Hubby does, too.  First of all, some of the advice and support does reach him too, and secondly it helps me get in a better frame of mind, or at least thinking a bit more, and i am not such a basket case with him.  You ladies are the best. 

No wonder that I chose to open up here.  Cafemom chicas rawk!