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What attachment parenting is to me.. and many other *AP* moms!
- Mar 1, 2009 at 10:30 AM
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- Comments (5) Total Views (180) Everyone can see this journal post.
While I am not big on stereotyping my parenting style, I tend to fall into the "AP" style of parenting. It wasn't really until Cafemom that I realized it had a name, when I started meeting other like minded women. I even had a book by Dr. Sears but instinctively did a lot of the stuff before I read about it in the "AP" portion of the book (it was a small portion haha).
Skimming the answers section it seems people have a gross misconception of what attachment parenting is. Apparently our children NEVER cry, are held 24/7, are constantly waited on, are clingy, and we are somehow hindering their independence. I laugh when I read responses like "I don't AP because I don't want a clingy 4 year old who still sleeps in my bed and whines if I leave the room". Wow, great observation! I laugh at this because had I said that "I am an ap parent because I don't want children who don't know that I love or care for them" I would have been blasted from here to Mars for even suggesting that parents who don't practice AP don't care for their children! (Before anyone jumps, I don't really believe that.. in the case of my mother: yes, all mothers probably not).
There are *basics* to AP parenting, according to Dr. Sears, who apparently is the Guru of attachment parenting (again, something I did NOT know before coming to Cafemom).Here are the 7 B's. Nowhere does it say you have to do all of these things, nor does it say there is a wrong or right way to do it! It also doesn't say that you cater to every need, no matter how ridiculous, of your toddler/child.
The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture (see Bonding)
"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"
Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart. (See "Birth Bonding")
Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.
A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity. (Click here for more information on Babywearing)
Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.
A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. (See Crying and Cry it Out)
Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.
In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby - knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.
- AP is a starter style. There may be medical or family circumstances why you are unable to practice all of these baby B's. Attachment parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. Do the best you can with the resources you have - that's all your child will ever expect of you. These baby B's help parents and baby get off to the right start. Use these as starter tips to work out your own parenting style - one that fits the individual needs of your child and your family. Attachment parenting helps you develop your own personal parenting style.
- AP is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It's actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B's of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit - the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.
- AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby's level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.
- AP is a tool. Tools are things you use to complete a job. The better the tools, the easier and the better you can do the job. Notice we use the term "tools" rather than "steps." With tools you can pick and choose which of those fit your personal parent-child relationship. Steps imply that you have to use all the steps to get the job done. Think of attachment parenting as connecting tools, interactions with your infant that help you and your child get connected. Once connected, the whole parent-child relationship (discipline, healthcare, and plain old having fun with your child) becomes more natural and enjoyable. Consider AP a discipline tool. The better you know your child, the more your child trusts you, and the more effective your discipline will be. You will find it easier to discipline your child and your child will be easier to discipline.
People practice AP in many different ways, and have seen the value in it. Some do all forms of the 7 B's, others pick and choose and find what works for them! Attachement Parent, while the name is relatively new the ideas are old. Most countries, and before cribs and formula became all the rage, children weren't seen as a burden. Families co slept, nursed and baby wore. They still do in a lot of countries. It's the "intstinctive" way to parent. I was never around any form of AP or breastfeeding as a child. Yet when my daughter was born, all the concepts shared by family and friends seemed so foriegn, so forced. Like they weren't natural. I couldn't understand why I felt differently because what I felt wasn't *done*... or at least not what I had seen! I think for many AP is what comes naturally, in one form or another. Our bodies produce breastmilk, our breasts leak when babies cry and it's not always our baby! It's just the course of nature to respond to the cries of a baby.
I have a 2 year old and while she loves to hug and snuggle with mom and dad, her independence is crazy. She loves to learn and do things on her own. She coslept for 19-20 months and is now in her own room. She breastfed for 21 months. None of that has *impaired* her development or independence. I find it amusing when people assume that AP parents can't have a "well adjusted" toddler/child (which also makes me wonder what well adjusted means, as I am sure it is different for every family).
Let's look at that idea: well adjusted. What exactly does it mean? Does it mean we have a toddler/child who can respond well in social situations? Does it mean we have a child who doesn't need any help from their parents? Does it mean a child who has no separation anxiety? Or a child who never cries? Because if so, then a *well adjusted* child would be one hard to find anywhere!
By definition it means: Having adapted or conformed suitably to new condition, free from psychological disorder
Well, that sounds like a lot of children I know.. and many other's. I doubt the fact that their parents practice some form of AP means that they aren't well adjusted!
Also, the discipline aspect is another thing. Many parents who practice AP don't spank. Which apparently means we have children who will *walk all over us* and *get everything they want* haha. Yea! Spend one day in my house! While we limit the use of the word *no* to important things, she definitely doesn't get away with everything. Spanking and Discipline don't HAVE to go hand in hand. Discipline comes in many forms, from positive reinforcement, to time-outs. Spanking is just *one* form of discipline and it isn't necessarily the most effective and for many families isn't even an option. Why? Because of their beliefs, or because of their childhood, or just because they don't feel it's necessary with their children. Their children aren't little hellions who don't know how to listen haha. Seriously, that's another hugely false assumption on the behalf of parents who just really don't know or understand.
My last point is the "well my sister, uncle, cousin, best friends step sister has a child who wasn't of their bed until 10! They are spoiled, whiney, needy, clingy, children and thankfully we don't AP so we don't wind up with a child like that!" Everyone knows SOMEONE whose children can be tough to handle, but really: it's not the fault of one type of parenting style! I have seen children who are spanked, and whose parents definitly don't practice AP who are hellions, spoiled, and all the things said about AP kids! But that doesn't mean all children from non-AP are like that. That's making a sweeping generalization based solely on what you *may* have seen.
I am wondering if this will even clear up the misconceptions? Probably not, but *maybe* it will. Maybe someone will read it and realize that *hey, maybe it's not what I thought it was*. Who knows. I have just been getting frustrated (especially in the answers section) with people who make assumptions based on nothing!
Comments:
This is an excellent post and very well written, thank you!!
I hope lots of people read this. Voted popular.
Ditto, I just learned that I am an AP parent!
Thanks for that, lol.
I just came across this post! Funny. Hmmm....
Looks like i'm an active AP parent as well!!!!!! i didn't even know it! Well, I had an idea, but now I know for sure!
Woo hooo!!!!! LOL
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Great post! I am voting this popular to hopefully dispel some myths. My son was breastfed for 16 months and slept in my bed, then in a bed next to my bed, then in a bed across the room from my bed for 3 years. When we moved in with my fiance, he got his own room, and I thought it would be hard for him to sleep on his own. Suprisingly, he had no problem at all. He is now 7 and hasn't been in my bed since we moved here. He was able to progress at his own speed. He is now an intelligent, funny, independent child and we have a great relationship. He still wants to snuggle with me but usually the world is too exciting for him to sit still with me long enough!
I think the difference between us and those people with 10YO's in their beds (or whatever) is intent. I had my son in my bed because I knew it was best for him at that stage. And while it wasn't always easy, if it got to the point where it was greatly hindering the family, or my childs development, we would change something. Those families people always bring up either are resentful of their child being in their bed/being a brat/whatever and don't know how to stop it or they want to hinder their child's development as a person, to keep them dependent longer. AP parents want our children to grow up, but we know that a child WILL learn to sleep on their own in their own time, WILL gain self-control and discipline without the use of spankings, WILL wean from the breast when they no longer need that comfort. We will allow them to grow in their own time, not when other people determine it needs to be done.
- TanyaR1024
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