The Stigma of Being a "Birthmother"

[randi1978]

I find it funny how things go when a woman is considering adoption.  Before she gives birth, she is brave, selfless, making the right choice, etc etc etc......

But once TPR is signed and the baby goes home with the adopting couple, the mother is no longer "brave" and "selfless"...she is now a crack addict, an unfit mother, a mental case that is suddenly a danger to the child she was promised visits and updates with...she no longer is allowed to even consider herself her child's mother. 

This is what awaits most mothers who are seriously considering adoption.  Not all will end up with this fate, but the vast majority will.  Go into the "Answers" Adoption section and see what everyone says about the women who gave birth to the children they adopted.  Nearly every single person there will cite "birthmomma drama" as their reasons for shutting the mothers out.  Whether they are true or not, one cannot be sure, but I find it incredibly odd that so many claim that the mothers of their children are some kind of unstable nut cases and want to bar in person contact or even cut off pics and updates.

I am not writing this post as a scare tactic, I am stating what is truth for many mothers and their children given up for adoption.  There are those of us who did have good experiences, some who are still working with the relationship to the adoptive parents and others who have been outright treated like dirt the minute the baby was out of their arms. 

Just remember that what you are being told now may not be honored once the baby is gone from you.  Those promises of visits, pics, and updates are no more legally binding than toilet paper.  Many agencies and lawyers tell prospective adoptive parents to promise things they don't want to do in order to get a baby, because after all "they can cut off contact once the adoption is finalized".  Don't get me wrong, there are good and honorable adoptive parents out there....but I strongly believe that the bad ones outnumber the good.  And they will always use the excuse of "unstable birthmother" just to ensure that people don't see them for what they are...possessive unethical sub humans.

If you have other children, be prepared to be told that your children are not the adopted out child's siblings.  They want to pretend the baby fell from the sky.  They feel that since legally blood is no longer recognized that they can pretend you and your other children are nothing more than strangers who deserve nothing in the way of respect.  Forget the fact that you trusted them to raise your child.  They have the baby and now you're nothing to them, something that should just go away and never be seen from or heard from again as far as they are concerned.  Your children will be labelled as "the birthmother's other children" to your surrendered child.  The surrendered  child will be told that the siblings they grew up with are their only siblings and their bio siblings are not as important.

Beware.  Be informed.  Be strong.

[CheshireHope]

Mar. 3, 2009 at 9:19 PM

you know this is a sad thing to happened to any woman.

i wonder if surrogate mothers have issues like this to deal with? if you think about it almost the same thing. a woman carries a child for a couple who cannot carry one of their own. does the surrogate mother not bond with that child for 9 months? how many of them get treated the same.

its awful that people are that btter. i know that my ex was trying to adopt out my oldest behind my back while i was pregnant. i found out about them on superbowl sunday of 2004. i  could see by they way they treated me that they wouldn't let me see my child if they adopted him. i had my child and i have had 2 more since then.

the way i see it if you agree to let the birthmother see the child. keep to your word. and in some cases i think having written in legal documents would help some of these women facing this problem out.  its true you give up your rights to that child. but i feel that if they've agreed to let the birthmother have updates that include pictures and visits with the child then they should stick by it. also the adoption policies need to be reformed. so adopted children can find their siblings easily.