Anxiety, that ugly beast

[HeidiLJ]

After my first child was born five years ago, I began having episodes of extreme anxiety.  I felt short of breath, scared, doomed to die.  It took me a long time to identify it as anxiety, because overall I felt happy and not unduly weighed down by the weight of the world.  However, I was very concerned about my new baby.  I breastfed her and she had special health needs that made this especially important.  I began to obsess about my milk supply, and what would she do if something happened to me?  How could my husband possibly care for her if I weren't around?  Gradually, I realized that I was having real issues with anxiety.  Strangely, I had also developed a fixation with having an allergic reaction.  Any new or highly allergenic food would send me into a silent fit of terror.  Would this be the time I'd have an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts?  Would the shellfish I accidentally ate in that spinach-artichoke dip give me hives?  This all made some sense, for my infant daughter had terrible food intolerances, and I needed to feed her on a limited diet in order for her to tolerate my breast milk. 

I tried counseling for two sessions.  It just didn't feel right for me.  In a way I felt like the counselor wasn't understanding me.  She kept saying, "But you're not allergic to anything, right?"  My MD offered me xanax, which I refused.  In the end, I cope with it with a generous helping of "mind over matter."  I talk myself down when something happens to make me anxious, and I find some comfort in taking my concerns to God. 

This morning, I started feeling strange.  The upper part of my stomach and back was really hurting, I felt a little short of breath ( I am also 32 weeks pregnant with mild asthma and a cold right now-so not terribly unusual!)  Then, I began to feel faint.  I live in a rural area, so I was soon finding myself worked into a mild state of panic.  Was I having a placental abruption?  My heart rate seemed really fast.  Was I working on a gigantic asthma attack?  What was going on?  Finally, I called my husband and he said, "Maybe you need to eat something."  Turns out he was right.  I ate a pear and instantly felt better, heart and mind calm. No longer in fear of imminent death. 

Oh, anxiety, you ugly beast.  I really hate you and I wish you'd go away forever!!!!!!!

[Mommy21little1]

Mar. 4, 2009 at 1:00 PM

I totally agree! It is a very ugly beast and sometimes can take over control! I have suffered from it since I was a senior in high school. I got worse while I was pregnant with my son because I was on maternity leave and my husband lost his job so we had no income but then when my husband went back to work it got really bad. He travels a lot so I spend countless night alone and worrying! I went out of town for a weekend in January and my son stayed with my mom (my DH was out of town as well) and I had a major panic attack while trying to go to sleep. I was watching some show about a child that was terminally ill and it threw me overboard! I wish you luck on overcoming this ugly beast! I know how you feel!

[emilyjj75]

Mar. 4, 2009 at 1:07 PM

I feel your pain!! Have been struggling with it for years. I have been fairly successful at combatting a lot of it with diet and exercise changes, I can give you more info if you want it.

[sherriet]

Mar. 4, 2009 at 2:32 PM

Hugs.

[Raintree]

Mar. 5, 2009 at 8:44 AM

Wow. I understand. Right there with ya. More horrors on this front as of yesterday. Give me a call, and I'll tell you all about it.

[liltymesmom]

Mar. 14, 2009 at 11:30 PM

I learned firsthand about this anxiety beast also! I was diagnosed with it shortly after having my 2nd child. My gpa ended up in the hospital for heart problems, my sister was in the military and couldn't get up to see her new nephew and then my stepdad was diagnosed with luekemia. I was a mess and no wonder I struggled to breastfeed and get anything done. I have it under control now and have for over a year...but sheesh!