27 Feb '09 journal theme...(Long!)

[NaterbugsMom]

...So i'm really not too terribly busy tonight at work and got the urge up to journal.  Only i didn't really see today's theme taking me too far down that path, so I decided to look up past themes.  Saw  27 Feb's and was instantly struck.  Figured that, with my life like it is right now, I could use some unloading.  Consider that your warning lol.

"If You Could Do Anything Today, What Would It Be?"

If I could do anything today, it would be wake up and not have the thought instantly hit me that I am the mother of one little boy instead of two.  It would be to not have to look at pictures or dig into my memory to be able to see my sweet Gabriel's chubby gorgeous little self.  I would go into my boys' room and try to creep past Gabe's crib en route to wake his brother up for school.  If it didn't work, I would look forward to seeing him scramble up to stand, begging with his little whimpers and whines to get him out of his crib.  I would pick him up and give a quick cuddle, breathing in his little boy smell.  I'd lay him on his changing table and change his diaper while my older son groggily gets out of bed and stumbles around me, quickly changing into high gear when he got around Gabe.  I'd take my boys downstairs and find something for them to eat for breakfast, be it cereal or eggs and hashbrowns, maybe some muffins and yogurt, waffles...

I would nag Nate all through breakfast to stop playing with his brother and try to hurry because it was a school day.  I would make fun of Gabe's cute little faces and expressions.  Or if it was like his last week, I would try to get him to eat something and risk cleaning up the vomit.  Regardless, when i got him out of his highchair and excused Nathaniel from the table, I would cuddle with Gabe and watch him toddle around and play with whatever caught his attention that day.  We might climb up the steps to watch big brother get ready.  I'd go out to warm up the car, hoping i slipped out w/o Gabe seeing me (he would get upset if he saw me leaving, thinking I was leaving him) and hurry back regardless, sometimes to find him standing at the door watching me.  I would play for a few minutes with my boys before telling Nate to get his coat and shoes on for school.  I'd watch Gabe walk over to me and hold out his arms, helping me help him into his coat.  We'd all go out to the car and drive to school, where I'd tap on Gabe's window after I returned to the car from walking Nate into the door and watching him walk to the cafeteria. 

We'd drive home and I'd take us into the house, letting him help me push the door open.  I'd turn on Little Einsteins for him while we either cuddle under a blanket on the couch, his left thumb perpetually in his mouth, or while i watched him/played with him and his toys.  We'd play until 930ish at which point I would notice him getting whiny.  i'd ask him if he was ready for a nap and listen to him give out a little cry and walk over to me with his arms outstretched, left thumb securely in place, and pick his solid little warm body up and feel him lay his head on my right shoulder.  I'd struggle to get us both up the stairs (LoL!) and we'd go over to big brother's Winnie The Pooh growth chart outside their door frame and we'd point to and name Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Roo and Eeyore and back up to Pooh again before i'd take him to his crib, kneel down and turn on his humidifier then stand and place him on his back in the crib, pulling his blanket over him, kiss Sleepy Time bear and hand him to him (and sometimes watch him chuck him away and maybe reach for Pop), kiss my fingers and touch them to his face, brush his hair from his face and sign "I love you" and then leave, closing his door partways behind me.  Maybe i'd nap with him, too.

When he woke, I'd get him out of his crib.  Sometimes he'd be awake for a little bit before I'd hear him and I'd surprise him as I came up to his room.  I'd hear him squeal when he finally saw me.  Maybe he'd dive across the crib and hold up his blanket or stuffed animal to me.  Maybe he'd look at me and toss something out of his crib if that's what he'd been doing.  Whatever the case, I'd cuddle him up and just squeeze him tight. We'd go downstairs, rustle up some lunch, play for a bit before going to pick up big brother.  We'd play in the car as we waited for the school bell.  We'd take big brother home and we'd play with the TV on for background noise.  i'd get dinner started and maybe give a little snack to tide the boys over before dinner time.  If Gabe hadn't taken an afternoon nap and was whiny, I'd try to lay him down for a quickie before daddy got home.  Around 5ish, we'd eat.  When that was done, play time until bath.  Maybe ~7 we'd watch Jeopardy!  Gabe loved to clap when the audience clapped and would look around at us as if to ask, "And why are you not clapping?!" 

We'd take the boys up for a bath.  Well, actually we'd tell Gabe it was bathtime and watch him beeline for the stairs.  I'd follow him up and start to undress him while i ran the water.  Once he and Nate were in the tub, usually the first order of the bath was to shut the shower curtain so the boys could splash.  We'd typically play peekaboo around the shower curtain, hearing him laugh with delight when he caught me looking.  Nate always tried to be on the other side of the curtain.  Gabe'd superman dive to the other end of the tub, sometimes laying down with his cute little bum peeking out of the water.  Eventually, I'd wash them up and send Nate in to dress while i lotioned Gabe up and got him ready for bed.  We'd go downstairs so Gabe could eat his cereal before going to bed and the other one of us would play with Nate or read to him after he brushed his teeth.  

After a little bit, i'd ask Gabe if he was ready for night night and he'd pull the nap routine again, giving a little cry and hold his arms out to be picked up, sticking his security-thumb in his mouth.  We'd go up and brush Gabe's teeth, fighting him to get the toothbrush back.  Then on to the boys' room and maybe read a bed time story.  We'd say our prayers together and kiss big brother good night.  The humidifier would be turned on and i'd sway with Gabe in my arms and his head on my right shoulder for a little while, just soaking in the feeling.  I'd lay him down, brush his hair out of his face and cover him up, knowing full well he was only a minute away from kicking them off.  I'd give him sleepy time bear to hold in his right arm and he'd either curl him up or roll over and reach for Pop. I'd kiss my fingers and put them to his forehead, then repeat this for both cheeks.  i'd tell my boys that i love them and then I'd leave their room, closing the door.

The entire day would have been filled with hugs and kisses, cuddles and love.  Gabe would still be around.  Nate would still be in sixth gear high all day.  And never once would i have to talk to myself/him but know he wasn't around, physically.  I wouldn't have to cry or hurt.  I wouldn't have to think of all the things that I will go through with Nate and hopefully this newest baby that I'll never share with my best friend. 

If i could do anything today, I'd get my baby back.