I'm so sad. I'm so depressed.

My EJ would have been 2 years old next friday. The 13th. i cant believe its been that long...it feels like just yesterday some days... and then it feels like another lifetime ago, on others.

i still feel like i failed him. like i didnt do something right. that i could have done something to protect him...or that i should have told him i loved him more. that i should have held on to every moment i was with him, and stored them in a vault in my mind. I've lost so much. i've lost the memories of him. i can barely remember what he looked like from a memory..only photos. Even then i can't really look at them. its just too hard. seeing him, i see a failure as a mom. i know there was nothing i could have done. i just cant get over it.

i miss him everyday. i try to talk to Dylan about his big brother, and end up just sobbing. I dont even know how i'll ever explain to him about his big brother...who was here for only a short time. someday i'm going to have to explain to him why mommy cries on March 13th...and why she cries on May 30th. I'll never have the composure. Mommies are supposed to be strong.

yet here i am. broken.

i feel so alone. no one greives with me...my family is 1300 miles away, and they barely talk to me (they also believe i could have done something...its easier to blame me than god or nature..), my fiance wasn't EJ's daddy...so the day has no signifigance to him. so its just me.

just me.

all alone.

depressed.

he would have been 2. two years old...a walking, talking, energetic boy full of smiles.
but he's not.

instead he's an angel in heaven.
with God.
i know he has the better end of the deal, but seriously? what did i do that was so bad to piss God off that he would punish me by taking him away from me. I know that if i tried to bargain or change things, that i probably wouldnt have Dylan...and i wouldn't trade Dylan for anything...i love that baby boy...he's my life. I guess i just wish i could have both.

I wish i could see my EJ one last time, see him smile up at me and tell me he loved me. I wish i could tell him i'm sorry. i wish i could hug him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. because i do. there's still a hole in my heart where he should be...a hole that was put there the day i found him...and then when i had to put him in the ground.

life's so unfair.
god is unfair.

i wish i had answers. i wish i could march up to God and just beg him to tell me why. i need a reason.

this is stupid.

he should be here...playing with Dylan. Giving sticky chocolate kisses...and making a huge mess like boys do.

I have to settle for a guardian angel.

This photo was taken 2 days before he passed away. May 28th. It was the day he was baptized and presented to the Lord.

This is his final resting place. Where i had to put him in the ground...cold. and alone.

i miss you Little mister. Please be good for God...and play with the heffalumps in your fields of gold.
Please remember you mommy.

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Comments:

chris...
Mar. 8, 2009 at 4:32 AM

You are in my thoughts. I am sure your Little Mister is watching over you and his little brother.

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BaysM...
Mar. 8, 2009 at 4:39 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I am here is you need anything. I will be praying for you!

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1mom08
Mar. 8, 2009 at 7:44 PM

Aww honey, that has to be the hardest thing a mother would ever have to endure. Don't blaime yourself , its not your fault.

If you need to talk I'm here for you. " What a cutie he was"

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