I give up

[jmdivine]

I don't know what did it.  I don't know why. But, I've just come to realize that I need to give up.  I have never been the type to "give up".  But, after 9 yrs, I don't think I can do this anymore.  I've loved him that long.  I've waited that long.  I've put up with some crap, yet I still stayed and keep loving and kept praying.  I guess God has finally yelled His answer loud enough for me to hear it.  And the answer is No. 

Last nite was the first time I didn't pray for me and Steven.  It was the first time I didn't ask God to bring us together again.  It was the first time I didn't ask God to touch his heart.  It was the first time I didn't pray for Steven and I to marry.  I still prayed for Steven.  I always do.  I always pray for him to prosper.  I pray for him to find the strength and courage to tear down that wall he has surrounded himself with.

Last nite, I prayed for God to take away my pain.  To help me stop hurting.  Even if that meant to take away my love for Steven.

I'm not doing myself or my girls anything good by this pain/hurt I am constantly fighting with.  I literally hurt all day long.  I am constantly thinking of Steven and our situation.

I know that the hurt isn't gone.  I still wanna cry.  He is still on my mind.  But I'm getting wore out.  I literally had a handful of hair this morning.  It came out in the shower.  If I continue this way, I'll end up bald and sick.  And if I get sick, how am I gonna be able to care for my girls? 

I'm nowhere near the end.  But, I HAVE to convince myself that it IS over.  Steven isn't gonna come back.  Steven isn't gonna marry me.  Steven doesn't want to save our relationship.  I have to tell myself this.  I have to believe this. 

I can't believe I'm giving up and giving in.  I hurt.  I don't know how much more I can take.  But, I have to figure out a way to make this hurt go away. It's time to love me.  I have to let him go.  I have to give up and try to find me again.

[jalex]

Mar. 16, 2009 at 3:25 PM

I'm sorry dear :)

[twinsplus2more]

Mar. 16, 2009 at 3:29 PM

I am so sorry.  I hope that God grants you some peace in your heart in the future.

[Momma114]

Mar. 16, 2009 at 3:31 PM

i remember when i had to let go of my husband. he proved time and time again that he did not want our marriage, even for the sake of our daughter. and it hurt so bad. it hurt really bad and i did make myself sick, but it did nothing but make my body as weak as  my mind was. but i prayed and Jehovah God answered my prayer for peace and the love i had for that man left. and i have been happier and healthier ever since. i hope the best for you. if you ever need to talk

[lilmomma02]

Mar. 16, 2009 at 8:52 PM

I remember when God told me No about getting back with my husband. It took sometimes but day by day the more i gave it to God the more he helped me with it. If u need to every talk ( I know your like who in the wolrd is she) But sometimes God sends those who understand and maybe this is one of those times...but either way ((((((((((HHHHHHUUUUGGGZZZZ))))))) from some one who understand and cares

Be Encouraged

Dee

[divinity80921]

Mar. 16, 2009 at 11:49 PM

Awww, hun. Ya know I'm always there for you. You are such a beautiful woman, outside and in, and if Steven cannot bring himself to man up and take control of his own household (son) then he's not the man God has in mind for you. In fact, that behavior is not the man God has in mind for any woman. Who lets the child run the household and life? Not a real parent - male or female. And if he can't be a real parent, he can't be much in the scheme of things.

God wants better for you. Perhaps that is why the answer to your prayer that Steven's heart be softened toward you and your beautiful baby is "Nope. I have better in mind for you than that."

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans for your welfare and not for harm. Plans to give you a future with hope." Jeremiah 29:11.

And PS: I know Dee (lilmomma02) well. She's been through similar and maybe you should message her.

[shayleo1]

Mar. 26, 2009 at 12:04 AM

I am sorry that you are hurting. I am in a situation that may come to an end in July if things don't change. A part of me is preparing for a heartbreak that I am not ready to feel, but I know time will heal my wounds. Love and happiness to you and your beautiful children.