And the hurt comes rushing back......

[MusikMama]

I talked to my dad last night. All is well, as well as it can be anyhow. He told me that he is taking my stepsister and her fiance & their 2 boys to Disney for Spring Break. That he looked into doing it for all of us, but just can't work it out, so he will take Ang & I and our families in 2 years.

I didn’t even know what to say. I guess I felt a ton of childhood emotions that I have supressed for years come flooding back. Jenny, my stepsister lives by them. I didn't grow up with her, she lived with her dad and I only saw my dad & stepmom for a couple weeks each summer growing up, so I don’t know her all that well.

My dad has always been notorious for making promises to my sister and I and then not keeping them. Sometimes he'd be in Detroit and say he was coming to see us or pick us up, and my sister and I would sit in the front window of our townhouse all day waiting, and he'd never show up. Never call. It broke my mothers heart, but bless her, she never said a negative word about him to us. I want to believe him, but I'm not that nieve anymore. And I won't say a word to my kids, cause I'll be damned if I'm going to let him dissapoint them the way I was dissapointed as a child.

I try really hard to NOT be jealous of my step sister, but I just can't help it. Her kids are over there at my dad's everyday. EVERYDAY. They babysit them constantly, take them to church, spoil them with gifts, watch their teeball games and spend holidays with them. My son has met my dad less times than I have fingers.

Papa says he buys every grandchild their first car (a Powerwheels when they turn 2). My son got my stepsister's kids' old one. Her kids have mountains of toys & new clothes, bought by my dad and stepmom (who doesn't work). My kids get a little something at Christmas.

I'm not surprised Jenny & her family get to go to Disney first. But I'm angry & hurt. He's MY dad, dammit, and he's VERY sick. A year has been a miracle, 2 more? Really? It's not fair. I feel like a little girl again, just wanting my daddy's love and seeing him shower it on someone else instead. Jenny's kids go to Disney EVERY damn year. I doubt I will ever be able to afford to take my 3 kids.

How do I let go of this hurt? How do I accept that this is how it is and not let it get to me? Anyone? I don't want to be jealous and angry, but that is how I feel.

[autiemommy2]

Mar. 17, 2009 at 11:09 AM

I wish I had words of healing and wisdom, but I have nothing. I feel that way about my dad too. My step-sister is much older than me and he did a lot of things with her that he didn't do with me. He's done more for her two kids than he ever did with my two sons. And I feel robbed b/c he's my dad. Then I have to compete with my brother... which is no competition b/c he's the golden child. He's an asshole, but for some reason, my parents favor him. I'm always getting the short end of the stick... and it sucks. And my parents wonder why I'm quiet and closed off.

I hope that you are able to find a way to let go. If you do, let me know! For now, I just try not to think about it. I focus on my kids and my DH and our life. That's all I really can do b/c I have learned the hard way that some things NEVER change... no matter what. Good luck!

[rag_dollmom]

Mar. 17, 2009 at 11:36 AM

have you ever talked to him about it? told him how you feel? maybe he just doesn't realize...I don't know..my dad and I aren't really that close but I know that speaking up is the only way of letting others see things sometimes. Wish I could offer more of an advice...but that's all I've got today :)

[MusikMama]

Mar. 17, 2009 at 11:39 AM

My dad is dying of cancer, think I'll skip the arguing with him. I want to know how to let go of it for myself. And I don't know how, I don't understand why I can't.

(Original Poster)

[rag_dollmom]

Mar. 17, 2009 at 12:11 PM

you're only human honey; don't beat yourself up. Focus on all the blessings.

[NorahSethsMommy]

Mar. 17, 2009 at 2:08 PM

I can imagine how hard this is. Your mom was very strong for not ever speaking badly of him to you. Under the circumstances, with your dad's illness and all, I dont think there is much you can do, but forgive (for your own sake) and move on. But, I know that is easier said than done too. There are no easy answers. Keep venting here...sometimes just getting it out helps. Keeping you in my prayers, as always.