Well here we are, cycle #6. I'm ovulating today or tomorrow - I can tell because I get the Mittleschmerz on whatever side I ovulate on. I'm not too sure about this month (like the rest) and I'm getting really tired of talking about it, but I'm feeling the need to journal.
I had my pap on Friday. I've never really looked forward to getting one (who does?) but this time was especially hard. Probably because it's the first one I've had since we started trying to get pregnant. I always have some anxiety every year - I'm not sure why, though. I've been getting them for 9 years and none have been abnormal (knock on wood), and I have plenty of time to relax between the time I make the appointment and the time it comes around. I have a new doctor this year, and she is in a women's clinic. Unfortunately, she had to go to the hospital that morning for a delivery, so another doctor had to take her clients as well as her own for the day. You can imagine she was a bit behind. I sat in the waiting room for 25 minutes - in that short span of time, 4 pregnant ladies came through, as well as a lady with her infant son. Here I am, waiting to get in to the doctor to ask her what the hell is wrong with me, and I feel like Fate was parading these things in front of me for his own entertainment purposes.
I was obviously upset by the time they got me in, but not visibly upset (not yet at least). The nurse asks me the normal questions, then she gets to the important one: "How long have you been trying?". That's when I kind of lost it. I told her, and she asks me the most obtuse question in reply: "So how's that working out?". Like obviously NOT VERY FUCKING WELL YOU STUPID ASS!! I'm not here for a pregnancy exam - you can see that on my chart!! That's what I was thinking - what I said was, "Not so well." She informed me that the doctor will be in in a minute and could answer any questions I have.
Doctor comes in, and I all but barrage her with questions while she's working "down there". I figure I could kill 2 birds with one stone that way, you know? She tells me she wants me to start charting. I don't have the time or patience for that, and I tell her that instead of charting, I do OPK's. She says that's fine, and says my cycles are normal, and she can't see a reason I shouldn't be pregnant yet, other than the usual "only 20% chance every cycle", or "you haven't been trying very long", etc. etc. Says the next step is a sperm sample from hubby, which he is NOT thrilled about, but he said if we're not pregnant by June, he'll jizz in a cup for the doctor. It's not what I want right NOW, but it's a compromise.
Doctor says if everything's okay with my husband's swimmers, then we go to an HSG test - a Hysterosalpingogram - to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. I found out the other day that your tubes are only as thick as spaghetti - not much room for error there. I'm pretty scared that something is wrong with me, and the sooner I get the HSG test, the sooner I'll know, but I'd like to convince myself that there isn't anything wrong and I just need to relax, and then I'll magically get pregnant. Wishful thinking hasn't served me well so far, and I don't think it will in the future.
Every month, I give up a little bit more. Not on myself or my husband, but that I'll ever get pregnant. I think if I give up, I won't care, and when it doesn't happen, I won't be so disappointed. That never seems to be the case - every month that I get Aunt Flo, I feel like I'm running more and more out of time. The not knowing is killing me - not knowing if something is wrong with my husband's swimmers, not knowing if my tubes are blocked, not knowing if my eggs are even any good. I could come up with a thousand unknowns that scare me or make me doubtful of my future as a mother, one no more scary than the rest, because they could all affect my future. Perhaps it's my thoughts that affect my future, but if I hear one more person tell me to relax..........