What an idiot I am.

[NaterbugsMom]

So, yesterday, I was preparing for work and a thought hit me... and it literally stopped me cold in my tracks. We're talking, mid-tooth-brushing-stroke, foam-dripping, saliva-producing, ohmigosh-i-can't-believe-it-took-me-this-long-to-get-it slow. And yes, I'm a blonde!

I've been such an idiot. I'd been so wrapped up in my life, then and now, that I never stopped and took time to really look at my life. 

If I was God, I'd have punished me too!

For my entire life, I dreamed my dreams, wished my wishes, hoped my hopes.  And then as it inevitably does, I let life jade me.  I gave up some dreams, secretly coveted others, made different goals and hopes and wishes.  But there was always one big one.  I still wanted to be that wife and mother.

And yet, when it finally happened, I never stopped to appreciate that I finally fulfilled that #1.

It took losing my son to realize it.  I was so consumed with all the drama going on in my life, with the stupid petty little day-to-days, with going through the motions and being self-righteous and whatever the heck else I've been so involved with that I never took a single second at the end of any of those 66 days to appreciate the culmination of my all-time most coveted dream. 

For 66 days, I was a wife and a mother.  My life was absolutely perfect.  I had my husband, whom I'd waited more than 10 years for.  I had two beautiful children - the only other dream I'd ever had come true.  We were all (seemingly) healthy, happy, loved ... a family.  We had our rituals.  Our playtime.  Our work time and school time.  We'd breezed through schedule changes and life changes.  We were expecting our third - and, we decided, last - child.  Life was PERFECT. 

And one day, I lost my best friend.  And nothing has been right since. 

I'm going to try my hardest and make it not only my Lenten goal but also my life goal to take a moment every day to thank God for what I've still got.  I will grieve every second of every day for what I've lost.  But as much as I would literally die to, I can't change what is.  "The past is past, but the future is whatever you want it to be." 

I'm still going back and forth with the whole faith thing - do I or don't I believe?! you know?  After what happened with Gabriel, it's hard to believe.  It's almost prophetic that I named him for an archangel.  I swear I jinxed him.  I'm not into acceptance yet.  I don't WANT to accept.  Some days are still hard as hell.  Some days I STILL try to play Let's Make a Deal. 

But I can't believe what an idiot I was to not savor every single day that I had.  66 of them.  *shakes head*

[StifflersMom82]

Mar. 29, 2009 at 10:21 PM

You weren't punished. You're too good of a person to be punished as harsh as you make it sound.