-
I Refuse to Acknowledge You
- Mar 22, 2009 at 7:11 PM
- By
- Comments (66) Total Views (2096) Everyone can see this journal post.
You have been sitting in the back of my head for as long as I can remember. You are privy to my every thought and action. You know what I think and feel even before I become totally aware of it, and you can add your own flavor to it before it reaches completion.
For years I didn't know you were there; I just thought you were a part of my make-up. Like having blue eyes or being right-handed, you weren't something that I could change or alter. You existed as I existed, and I didn't fully recognize the impact you were having on my life for years and years.
Habits are hard to break. This isn't anything new, everyone knows this. I have heard that in order to break a bad habit, you have to replace it with something good. The theory seems sound enough; I've even given it a go with a few of my eating habits, and been met with success. I didn't know, though, that you weren't more than just a bad habit. I didn't know that if I wanted to get rid of you, I would have to replace you with something good.
You are the voice that tells me I can't, I shouldn't, I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, smart enough... not ENOUGH. You're the voice that has held sway over my actions and reactions for a really long time. You are that part of me that thought I was less than worthy of good things and good people. You are the thing that has kept me in check, held me back, emphasized my flaws, glorified my fears... you are that which is toxic in my mental makeup.
I don't know exactly when you sprang into existence, but I bet I know why. I'm sure it has to do with my upbringing, and the things that happened both to me and around me. I'm sure that you came into play because when you're told that the reason bad things are happening to you is because you deserve it, you then start to believe it yourself. I know your voice for what it is now, but for years, I just thought you were a part of me.
One day I was telling my daughter how to have good self-esteem. One day I was saying to her, you have to believe in yourself because sometimes, no one else does. And she smiled at me and said, just like you, right, Mom? And I was literally struck dumb. How could I answer that? How could I look her in the face, full of faith in what I was telling her, and tell her that no, not me, I'm exempt from that because...
....because why? Because that was what I had always believed about myself? Because deep down, despite the bravado on the surface, I really truly believed I was worse than scum? Because in truth I though I was stupid and ugly and fat and ridiculous?
It took my breath away. The way she was looking at me, her face shining with love and confidence in me as her mom, her trust that I would steer her right, her belief that I was really as great as she perceived me; truly, I thought, love has made her blind. And the insidious whisper started again, she's going to hate you when she grows up, because she will see you for what you REALLY are; unlovable, unworthy, a joke, a parody, a flaw.
And that was when I began to percieve that maybe, you were not really a natural part of me. Maybe, you were something that had been planted there by the years of abuse I suffered at the hands of others. Long ago I had thought I had broken free of that thing, broken the cycle; it seems that I had actually carried a piece of it with me after all.
Habits are hard to break. It was a while before I figured out that you were a habit; realizing you were a symptom of a disease was not enough to make you go away. You were a bad habit. I was used to mentally berating myself; I hated it, but it was familiar. I was used to feeling scared and unworthy of decency, despite the fact that I had it in abundance in the people in my lives. I had managed to silence you long enough to leave a destructive relationship, but that had less to do with you and more to do with the situation crumbling under its own weight. When the dust settled, there you were, ready with your mean words.
It was almost comforting in a sick way to have you around. I had bad luck because that was just how it was. I was a drop-out because I just wasn't that smart. I never reached for more because I wasn't worthy and just didn't deserve it. For every misfortune, there was a reason, and every reason had to do with me being not good enough.
I excelled at settling. I let life carry me the way it wanted; there were very few times I actually dug in my heels and altered my own course. Every time I took a positive step forward, though, there you were, whispering in my ear that I wasn't good enough, why bother, I was going to fail anyway, I was too dumb to do anything right... and sooner or later, everyone was going to realize it and leave me.
So although I knew that you were the thing that kept me in check when I wanted to reach for more, I didn't know how to make you stop. And I didn't know if I wanted to be rid of you. I was miserable, but misery was familiar, and familiarity was safe. The unknown was scary and fear was my Achilles heel. Fear of new things and new situations has held me back for much of my life. Fear of the unknown was worse than the misery of self-flagellation, and although I was unhappy with my self, I was too afraid to try and change.
Until one day.... I wasn't.
It was a literal dawning upon me moment; I had to change the words. I had that control, even though it didn't feel like it. More than that, I had to be alright with it. I had to be alright with being alright with myself.
That is the scariest place of all. To tell myself, hey, you're wonderful and special and smart and unique... and mean it... was harder than anything I have ever had to do. For so long I was convinced that not only was I not those things, but things far worse. To tell myself that it wasn't snobbery to like oneself and it didn't make me a bitch or stuck-up to believe in myself... that seemed to go against what I thought was my nature.
But it wasn't. It was just... teaching myself to love myself. That it was alright to be comfortable in my own skin. That it was ok to think more of the good things about myself than the bad things. That the bad things are not really bad at all, but just things to work on. That the ugliness I had been blighting my soul with for as long as I can remember was not really my truth.
That I was worthy, smart, lovable, capable, and good. Above all, a good person. A person deserving of good things, but more than that, has the strength and ability to go and bring those good things into her life.
If I truly want my children, whom I love more than I love anything or anyone, to really believe in themselves and love themselves as they deserve to, then I have to be the example. I cannot challenge them to do something that I am unwilling or incapable of doing myself. I refuse to be that person who expects them to do what I am not. I am their guide, their gage, their example of what is right and decent in this world, and I have to live up to that.
But more so, even more than that, I deserve it.
It was roughly two years ago that I actively began to change my perception of myself to myself. It was only two years ago that I began replacing the horrible things I would say and think about myself with polar opposite words. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done; that is no lie. But I refused to go through the rest of my life despising the one person that I can never get away from, the one person I have to rely on, the person that others depend on... I refused to be that person one more second of one more day.
So to all of you who suffer from low self-esteem, to all of you who have deemed yourself unworthy of good things, for all of you who hear that insidious little voice in the back of your head telling you how awful you are, I say, no more. Refuse to acknowledge that as your truth. Do not let it hold sway over you for one more moment of your life. It is not easy to replace a lifetime of self-flagellation of self-abuse; but dammit, it is worth it. It very well may be the most important thing you ever do for yourself.
Peace.
Comments:
Somehow, you wrote exactly what I needed to hear today.
It's powerful to know that only only do we have self-worth to be proud of, but that we aren't alone in trying to talk ourselves out of it.
Thank you.
I am glad you finally starting telling yourself what we all already knew. You da bomb, baby, you da bomb!
Wow. Good for you. This will change your life in ways you could never imagine. Keep it up :]
You deserve to feel good about yourself, you are a good person!
What an incredible journal. What a remarkable woman and wonderful mother you are. Such a good friend... and a great inspiration.
Outstanding!
Wonderful post darlin. Like you I had that voice in the back of my head for years doubting me. Until one day I realized that if I let my fears control me, then I wasn't really living my life. So I let go to my fears, stopped listening to the voice and LIVED. Congrats and moving forward and loving you. :)
Absolutely positively awesome journal, thanks for sharing.
You have put into words many of the thins I deal with daily. I too am struggling to overcome the toxic thoughts that lie dormant until I began to grow above them. Doctors and science have proven that physical health is directly reltated to the thoughts we have about ourselves, negative ones cause us to remain ill, positive ones enable us to succeed in many area of life along with health. Kudos to you for putting a voice to the work it takes to pry that voice out and replace it..
Already a member? Click here to log in
That was awesome. I don't really know what else to say.
- RanaAurora
Message Friend Invite