Just another terrible young mother...

[KadenTaeasmom]

I am so TIRED of getting those looks.  Yes, I AM a young mother.  I am 26 with three kids, my oldest is 7.  Which made me <gasp> 19 when I had him.  Actually I had just turned 19. 

EVERY time I go out into public I get those looks.  So what if I look younger than I am.  It's pretty ignorant for you to be judging me on how I look.  Didn't your mother teach you to not judge people by the way they look, like I'm teaching my children.  Apparantly not, but then again, I'm young, so I'm a bad mother.  And apparantly I look younger than I think, because I get the "are these your siblings" type questions quite often.   

Today I took my kids to Mcdonalds for lunch.  We got our food and sat down in the playroom.  The shouting of a little boy (maybe 8-10 years old) got my attention.  He was acting like a little buffoon.  I walked past him to get a high chair for my baby, and couldn't get back to the table because the little brat was standing on a chair, trying to climb the play equipment.  His mother was standing next to him, apparantly oblivious of what was going on.  So, not wanting to be rude, I waited for a moment until the kid moved.  Finally, another mom said something to this little boy.  She was actually talking to her kids as well, telling them to all get along, and in swoops mommy, all protective and defensive.  The situation, although uncomfortable, passes, and the kids continue to play (my children were still sitting at the table eating, watching this little boy in shock).  So then I am watching as this boy and his friend shove his little brother between the two of them (the little brother had to be about 2-3), and punching him in the head.  Mom still doesn't notice.  I am getting ready to go stop it when the little brother starts screaming, and mom runs to see what is going on.  No one gets in trouble.  Fast forward about five minutes, and the little boy steals his sisters headband (she is older than him), she gets it back, sits on the floor, and the boy and his friend grab her by arms and start pulling her around the floor.  When she tells them to stop, they don't listen, and she finally gets really angry, and mom finally tells boys to stop.  "Your sister is done, she doesn't want to do it anymore", is all she says.  Finally, things calm down, all the kids get ice cream, and then they leave.  The mom who is older than me, so she must be a better mother.

This situation got me thinking about how I get treated sometimes based on looks alone.  I feel like I have to be much harder on my kids because society thinks that I am going to fail because I had my son at 19.  Who cares that my children are mostly well behaved in public (at home they are terrors), that they are mostly polite, that I keep them clean, that they have a roof over their head, food to eat, and (too many) toys to play with.  Who cares that I worked my butt off to get my college degree (because EVERYONE said I would fail), while working two jobs, and raising a baby.  Who cares that my husband and I worked VERY hard to stay off of welfare (actually, it never crossed our minds to go on it), and used government assisstance (food stamps, medicaid, and WIC) for a very short time while we got things worked out.  Who cares that at 23, and hubby was 21, we bought our first house, and I was able to become a SAHM. 

You know what?  I CARE!  I am not the type of statistic that you thought I would become, or that you think I am when you look at me and see that I am a young mother.  I have become a new statistic.  The "I have succeeded, and will continue to succeed even though I was a young mother" type of statistic.  So glare and comment all you like.  Judge me based on how I look, and how old you think I am.  Remember my face, and the face of other young (and younger) mothers like me.  That way, when my son is president, and you see me there proudly supporting him, you can glare some more.

[kristal2146]

Mar. 27, 2009 at 6:25 AM

just cuz you were a young mother doesn't mean anything about the way you  mother your children. I'd love for you to come over to my Big Sisters group. You'd be a great big sister to a new mom who gets those looks all the time too! www.cafemom/groups/bigsisters

I think your wonderful!!

[Kirstin7472]

Mar. 27, 2009 at 10:20 AM

Woot Woot!!  You go, girl!!  I support you 100%, Anna!!!!  You know I do!!  When we're all at McDonald's we all get those looks.  Look at me, 35 with 7yo twins and a 3yo, I get the same looks ALL of the time!!  I'm told I look younger than I am, also (there are definitely days where I don't feel like it, though, lol).  I try not to judge people, either, simply b/c when my kids and I are out in public I can feel the glares b/c my kids are acting like...well...kids.  I agree that Kaden will be in Politics, someday, too!  The kids a brain!! 

[mama4Christ361]

Mar. 27, 2009 at 2:00 PM

Heck yeah! I am 24 w/ a 2 y/o but I look 16 on good days. It irks the crap outta me, when I get nasty looks and ppl OBVIOUSLY scanning my ring finger, because I look like an unwed teenage mother. Look, I got the rings, I got the baby, I got the age, BACK OFF!

[geminilove]

Mar. 27, 2009 at 6:13 PM

I married at 19, had my kids at 21 and 23. When I was pregnant with my older son, I got the SAME poor treatment. People even went so far to comment in front of me about the state of the world and how we would stop paying these welfare mothers, etc. etc.

Nevermind the fact that I was working full time and going to school full time up until I was 37 weeks pregnant. Nevermind that I wasn't receiving a dime of assistance, even from family. I was young, I was pregnant, therefore I was just another statistic.

And it continued even when I took both children out. Clean clothes, clean faces, and sweet voices that said, "pwease" and "fank ooh" meant nothing because I was just another "trashy unwed welfare mom".

Now, eleven years later, the comments are the opposite. I get PRAISE for being able to be so active in my children's lives and how it will be so much better for them because it's easier for me to relate to them, etc.

When my kids get awards at school for their academic success (both my kids read/write and do math above grade level and tested for a gifted program), the teachers and parents praise my effort and tell me it's obvious I spend a great deal of time with my kids.

When my kids are the ones in the playground looking awe-struck at the sheer nerve of some kids and how they disobey their parents, other parents ask me how I did it.

So hang in here.... at some point, the tide DOES turn.

[hotchicks007]

Mar. 28, 2009 at 12:58 AM

I had my first son when I was barely 19, got married 6 months later, and then by the time I was 26 had 5 children.  Your story sounds like mine.

I remember being pregnant (by choice) with my 5th child, and a lady at a local department store asking me if it was my first baby?  I told her no that it was my 5th, and you know what she said?  How many different daddy's do you have for all your children?  WOW!  People can be so judgemental, and rude!

[mrsd4366]

Mar. 28, 2009 at 10:36 AM

God Bless you and your wonderful family. I had my first when I was 20 and then at 38 she made me a Grandmother. She got started at 18 (even younger than I) we also work/worked very hard to make sure we were not/are not the statistic. We get glares and stares all the time. In fact they often think my grandchildren are my children. They get mad at me for being so young. I no longer care about what people think . You are a wonderful Mom and I would be proud to have any of your children lead our country.

[momto3angels385]

Mar. 28, 2009 at 11:12 AM

Hey guess what I am the same way and I don't care what people have to say about me I am 25 and have three chidren I had my first at 17 he is 8 now and my youngest is 3 I love children they are my life I would not trade them for anything in the world so what about what everyone else has to say screw them I don't give a flipabout them  I used to worry about what other people thought about me but I have gotten to where I don't care any longer they can think what they want but they don't know me so let them think what they want it's only thier opininion who are they? just another face on the street so just don't pay them any attenion been there done that and I went back to school and am currently in school now who says we can't make a difference because we are young moms with god all things are possible and don't ever forget that