A Loss that no one should have to experience

[shanawitt1204]

It's been two weeks and two days since my miscarriage.  Every day that goes by I feel that I regain a little bit of myself back.  However, there are days that I seem to lose parts of me, too.  I was fifteen weeks along when I was told that my baby was gone-"not viable" as the doctor said.  Let me tell you my story.

I have Crohn's disease.  I found out in November 2007.  My husband and I began trying to have, what would have been, our third child.  Every month that came with a period was hell.  I wanted to be pregnant.  I started having complications to my Crohn's disease.  I developed a perianal abscess.  I was sent to a surgeon, but he wanted to get me on a new medicine called "Humira".  My gastroenterologist and the surgeon seemed to believe that the Humira would help heal my abscess.  Let me tell you a little about Humira.  It is an immunosuppressant drug.  If you have any type of infection, it could and most likely will make it worse.  Plus you could get sick easier just by taking it.  Now the main definition of an abscess is an infection.  So I asked how they anticipated that the Humira would help that.  I was told that Humira has been shown to reduce abscesses in multiple studies.  I was also told that I would have to put my pregnancy plans on hold while I was on Humira because it was unknown what kind of problems could develop.  Suffice it to say, I stopped trying for the four months that I was on Humira.

 In the meantime, the abscess did not reduce in size, in fact, it grew larger during those four months.  The surgeon planned to perform surgery in January and I was instructed to stop taking the Humira at the end of November.  Well, I found out that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve.  I was concerned due to the fact that the abscess was becoming extremely bothersome and knew that I had surgery planned.  I decided to see a local doctor and was referred to a general surgeon in my area.  He decided that surgery would not be an option due to the pregnancy and lanced the abscess in his office.  I was put on Bactrim, an antibiotic that was supposed to be safe to take in the first trimester.  I was on it for 10 days.  The tests on the fluid drawn from the abscess came back as Strep bacteria.  Now I knew why the Humira had not worked.

I saw my OB/GYN on January 7th.  I told him that I had been off the Humira when I had gotten pregnant but did not know how long the medicine stayed in my system.  He was unsure as well.  They did a vaginal ultrasound and could not be sure if there was a sac or not.  I was told to come back in three weeks for another.  I was certain that I was pregnant.  I have two other children and the symptoms I was having were unmistakable.

I returned to his office in three weeks.  There was indeed a sac and I was told that I would probably be due at the end of August.  I was 7 1/2 weeks along then.  My next appointment was in a month.  I returned in February and heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time.  I was so excited.  I had been wanting this baby for over a year.  I hoped for a boy.  I have two girls already.  Once again, I made an appointment for a month later.

Friday the 13th of March will, now and forever, be known as the worst day of my life.  My appointment with my OB/GYN was for 2:00.  I got in about 15 minutes after I arrived.  My husband was with me for the first time.  He was as excited as I was about hearing the heartbeat again.  Well, after a little small talk with the doctor, he began listening for the heartbeat.  After about 5 minutes of him moving the doppler tool around, I realized something wasn't right.  He had found the heartbeat within moments before.  I asked him if anything was wrong.  He stated that he couldn't find the heartbeat, but not to worry yet, because sometimes "they like to hide", he said.

He took me and my husband into the ultrasound room.  He then did an ultrasound on my abdomen.  Before he ever said anything, I knew.  I could see that the baby was not moving and that there was no visible heartbeat.  But still, I asked the inevitable question-"Is something wrong?"  He verified my worst fear and told me that my baby had not survived and was not viable any longer.  I couldn't breathe.  The tears seemed to go on forever.  What had happened?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it the medicines?  What?!?  All those questions and more went through my head.  I couldn't believe it.  I had had two healthy pregnancies without any problems.  I never anticipated having any problems with this one.  I had heard the heartbeat just a month before.  How could this be?  The doctor suggested that I go home and he would schedule a D&C on Monday.

My husband and I sat in the car and cried for a long while before heading home.  It was so surreal.  I had to be dreaming, right?  This couldn't be real.  My sister had just left the hospital that day from having her son.  I had been with her at the birth, telling all the nurses that they would be seeing me in six months, and now......

My children are twelve and six.  They had been so happy when they thought they were going to get a baby brother or sister.  Now I had to go home and tell them that it wasn't going to happen.  My oldest was upset for me.  She cried with me and tried comforting me.  My youngest didn't understand fully what was going on except that mommy and daddy were crying.  I sat down in front of the TV and told my husband to take the kids upstairs with him for a while.  I cried for hours.  Then I felt the cramping and knew what was happening.

My water broke at 6:10.  The baby came at 6:20.  Besides being only 4 inches long, the baby was perfect with ten fingers and ten toes.  I am almost certain it was a boy, but have no confirmation of that.  I screamed for my husband.  At that point, I felt like it was happening to someone else.  I felt numb.  He called the hospital.  They wanted to know if I was bleeding.  At the time, I wasn't.  They said I probably wouldn't need to come in unless I started bleeding heavily and passing clots.  About 40 minutes later, I felt some more gushing, and assumed I was passing the placenta.  I went to the bathroom and felt something large coming out.  I tried tugging on it to get it all out but it broke apart.  Come to find out that it was a very large blood clot and not the placenta like I thought.  My doctor told me to get to the ER.

I took the baby with me to the ER.  I wasn't sure if they might need to see it.  I was bleeding very heavily.  The ER doctor was extremely concerned and called my OB/GYN.  He came in and had me admitted to the hospital for overnight observation.  He gave me a vaginal suppository that was supposed to help me pass the placenta.  If I didn't pass the placenta on my own, then he would have to do a D&C in the morning.  My mother in-law sent my father in-law to pick up the girls.  My husband stayed with me until almost midnight, and then I sent him home to get some rest.  He was worried that something bad was going to happen to me.  The same nurses that had attended to my sister were now attending to me.  They all told me how sorry they were.  I was still numb.  I didn't cry.  The next morning, since I had not passed the placenta on my own, they did the D&C.  When I woke up, my husband was waiting in the room with me.

All I could think about was getting out of that hospital.  My doctor came in and told me that everything had went well.  I would be able to leave in a few hours.  The nurse came in and gave me some things about the baby.  They had taken the baby's picture with a piece of gauze over top of it, and they had a memorial certificate that had the baby's tiny little hand and foot prints on it.  I cried when I saw it.  It had finally sunk in that I had lost a baby.  The local funeral home offered to bury the baby in the local cemetery for free.  We just had to pay for the marker.  We took them up on their offer and buried the baby on Wednesday the 18th. 

That was an emotional week for me.  I went from crying uncontrollably to having semi-normal days.  I took the week off work.  I couldn't stand the thought of telling all my co-workers what had happened.  When I did return to work on Monday the 23rd, no one knew what had happened.  I spent the majority of that day telling them and crying.  I never knew it would be so hard.  At the funeral, they read a poem that spoke volumes.

JUST THOSE FEW WEEKS

For those few weeks

I had you to myself

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks

I came to know...

And to love you.

You came to trust me with your life

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks

When I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams, and aspiration....

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks..

And no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one

and darted in and out of my life too quickly,

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life richer

to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

S Erling

After they read that poem, the tears wouldn't stop.  It was exactly how I was feeling.  It had to have been written by someone else that had experienced what I had.  I found the poem online.  It was written by a mother who had experienced a still born.  I hope she knows somehow, how much her poem helped me.  I overheard one of my co-workers say that she didn't know why I was so upset because I hadn't been that far along.  I didn't say anything to her--she was young and couldn't possibly understand my loss without experiencing it herself.  I would never wish that on anyone.

My life is slowly returning to normal.  I can talk about the miscarriage without crying uncontrollably.  I was told at the hospital that the Humira and the Bactrim may have played a factor in my miscarriage.  They just aren't certain.  They could not find anything wrong with me and told me that I would be able to try again soon.  I know that when I do get pregnant again, I will be worried until I pass that mark in my pregnancy that I lost this one.  I am not taking any medications right now and intend to keep it that way.  My Crohn's is under control or in remission for the moment, and hopefully it will stay that way.  I will have another baby.  I guess it will just be in God's hands as to when that happens.

I have visited the cemetary twice since my baby was buried there.  The marker should be put on the grave in 60 days or less.  I feel comforted knowing that he or she has that final resting place.  There are other lost babies buried nearby and that, too, gives me comfort.  He or she is not alone.  I see my doctor tomorrow.  The first time since the hospital.  I hope he will be able to tell me what sex my baby was.  It will be easier to be able to say "he" or "she".  For those of you reading this, I hope you draw some comfort.  I have from reading others journal entries.  It helps to know you are not alone, doesn't it? 

 

[angellady535]

Mar. 29, 2009 at 5:24 PM

 My heart goes out to you , you are just one more person who have shared a story of your unfortunately lost of a baby".  I to know how it feel to lose a baby you surround your around to share with .  My unborn pass at 7 1/2 month , and I was getting ready to have him in my 8th month I never go pass the 8th month and it was almost time .  I had notices there were no movement from the baby and I went to the doctor !  My doctor had me rush to the hospital where I was told of his passing!"  Things will heal give it time !!

[mabelsbabygirl]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 5:36 PM

My heart goes out to you during this time. You are correct, no one should ever have to endure the pain this can cause. My BFF found out in June she was pregnant and then to be told at her OB appt. that it was not a viable pregnancy.

[sgtdyersgirl]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 11:54 PM

I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I love your ability to put it into words. I think that it was incredible what the community did for you (the memoirs and the grave). You will never forget your angel, they will always be in your heart. Time will help though!

[BabyBush07]

Apr. 16, 2009 at 1:42 AM

There is nothing I can say that will make any of this better. Nothing I can say that will take the aching out of your heart and womb.And though it does not seem like it now.. Time makes everything easier. Our angels are never truly gone as long as we don't forget them. I loss my little girl at 4months and the day she passed was April 13 03 which was a Friday as well .. And I so know what you mean about a day you will never forget. i still take the day off every year. It is my time to Mourn My daughter. But Most of all I want you to know here 6 yrs later your story has still helped me feel better.. Thank you. and if you ever , ever need someone to talk to I am here

[MissKendraHall]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 11:31 PM

Your story had me running to the bathroom in tears. My old wounds reopened, with your reminders. And my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't image how strong you had to be you face your girls with the horrible fact, no woman should brace.

I know people can say some pretty messed up things, even if they are trying to comfort you. For me the only real comfort I had was a good friend who went through the same thing only weeks before me. That was my 1st m/c. We cried on each other's shoulder for a very long time.

 Then after my second m/c I found out 4 of my good friends where only weeks away from my due date with their pregnancies. That was hard a constant reminder that some how my baby wasn't good enough, but theirs were. I was such a bad friend I couldn't even go to any of their baby showers, yes I am happy for them and their families, but I knew if I showed it would be a water-work show, and I didn't want to take away from their happyness.

The pain of my m/c almost caused the fall of my marriage I shut my husband out and stayed up all night crying. I felt so alone, trying to find self help books and a "healthy way to greive." The pain gets easier, but it never goes away.

Your in my prayers!