Happy Birthday Jordan. Thirteen years of life and Autism.

Mom2PunkRockers's Journal

Happy Birthday Jordan. Thirteen years of life and Autism.
Apr 1, 2009 at 6:19 AM
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- Mom2PunkRockers
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Happy birthday my son , you are 13. That in itself is amazing , considering when you were born the doctors told me you were probably going to die. Looking back , I am really glad I didnt believe them. I am glad I told them you were strong and that you were going to surprise them. You have surprised everyone my son , no one expected you to leave that hospital alive 13 years ago and yet here you are. Your life up until now hasnt been easy and it hasnt been very much fun , and for that I am sorry. I wish I could change that for you son , but I cant. I wish I could make things easier for you , but I cant . I wish one day you would wake up and you wouldnt be Autistic anymore, but that is unlikely to happen. The best I can do for you my son is to try my hardest to help you overcome all the obstacles in your way, and hope that someday everyone will see you in the same light that I do , the warm glowing light of an amazing child who just happens to be Autistic.

When you were first diagnosed, my world stopped , then when it started again I felt like my life was a 5 car pileup on the interstate that everyone had to stop and look at. They told me you would never function , they told me you would never talk . They told me that living with this would be impossible for you . They told me to find and institution for you and to leave you there , because you would make my life an unbearable burden. I told them , "You'll See ." and walked out. You learned to talk. You learned to write. You learned to read (even though its really hard for you , you try.) You learned to dress yourself , you learned to skateboard, you learned to ride a bike and to swim.

Living with you is sometimes very hard. You tantrum like a 2 yr old but you are 13 , you are 5 '6 and you are 180 lbs. You cry. You scream. You break things, and sometimes my son, you hurt people, you hit and you harm. That is when I HATE your Autism the most, when I see it rob my son of the ability to control violent , aggressive behaviors. When you hurt and when you harm , it makes me so very sad my son. My house is a wreck of broken things, holes in the walls, torn up cabinets and appliances. Your sister sometimes loses patience with you because you destroy her things too. I have huge bills from trying to fix all the broken things, but that doesent make me love you any less, it just makes me wish you would stop smashing stuff. Son , doors are solid for a reason , they dont need peep holes.

Living with you is very fun and wonderful. I love that at 13 you hold my hand , you give me kisses and hugs, and sometimes you sit on my lap and want a good cuddle . ( Though with the cuddling , can you sit next to me instead, my legs go numb and want to break when you sit on them. You are a big guy! ) I love that you are a teenager , but you dont act like one , that you still want to play with cars and you still want to be seen in public with your mom. I love that you have T-Rex , so we can go do things and experiance more. Without your dog , life wouldnt be as much fun , and honestly you would be missing out on a lot of good life , because we would be trapped in the house. I am glad I made the decision to get you a service dog , and a best buddy , T- Rex has changed your life.

Someday my son , they may be able to "cure" your Autism. You are now old enough that taking that "cure" would not be my decision. You are a big boy , almost grown , it is your body , and your issue , so YOU my son would have to decide if a "cure" is for you. I would support any decision you made, as long as you thought about it , talked about it with me , your step dad and your sister and you made your decision wisely. If a "cure" never comes about , then I will help you until I can no longer help you , then your sister Sy will take over. You will never be alone. Someone will always be there helping and protecting you. I dread my death , I dread leaving you and your sister, but when the time comes for that I will still be with you in your heart.

Your heart is your most amazing thing my son. Your heart loves, your heart is pure, your heart is untarnished by life, because extra special people like you have special protection around their hearts, it helps keep you amazing and unencumbered by the life going on around you. I cherish that in you , your pure heart and your ability to see good in everyone and in everything. I love your ability to know and feel what animals are feeling , I love that you want to care for them when you grow up , I love that no matter what , your mom is your best friend , and I love being your mom. When I look back at the last 13 years of my life and wonder what would of happened if you had died instead, my heart freezes like ice, I cant imagine going through the last 13 years without you and your gigantic smile lighting the way for me. Autism changes everything my son , but I would rather have you and Autism , than no son at all. Together we will go through the next 13 years , and when you turn 26, I will let you read this letter, and see what you think , and we can write another letter then , letting people know what your second 13 years was like. I love you my son , more than the air that I breathe , I would do anything for you . You are amazing and beautiful and the best thing that ever happened to me, Autism and all. Happy birthday my boy, I am glad we have made it this far, heres to the next 13 years.