Married to a loser

[brazilianmamma]

I'm so overwhelmed! So, i'm about to go see my family♥ and  friends I haven't seen in 6 and 1/2 years. I'm also going to introduce them my almost 5 month old baby. I can't express how nervous and excited I am.!
My baby Stephen♥, I can't describe how much I'm loving to have the privilege of being his mom. He is such a sweet, calm, observative kid, that has the most beautiful laugh, the gorgeous green eyes, big hands, long arms and feet, that grabs on me like a like monkey, loves when girls talk to him, pays attention to the pastor at church, loves when I read him books, holds his own bottle and looks good on almost all hats. I just hope I can be as good as a mother for him as he is good for me. He's truly a blessing. I hope we can always be best friends when he grows up.
I'm scared to take my baby to one of the most dangerouns cities in the world, but what can I do? My whole family is there and I miss them so much! I want my 87 year old grandma to have the chance to meet my son. I got to trust the Lord, my God♥, to protect us from all harm and help us bless others while there.
I'm trying to look at the positives even though my heart is divided. I'm sad things are very difficult with my husband. I had plans he would be able to come, but he won't be able to make it because he is busy using his drugs, which embarasses me so much. I feel like I made a stupid decision by marrying such a irresponsible, selfish, husband that kept stealing from my wallet and lying to me. Embarasses me that my husband is sleeping on homeless shelters and streets when he had planny of opportunities and support to stay clean.  I feel stupid because I have had so many better guys that have their life together and wanted to marry me, and I chose the most problematic and romantic guy I ever met, because he is so romantic and sweet and he helped me with everything he could while he could. It might seem crazy but i actually really wanted him to come meet my family and my culture if he was clean. I'm sure he would wanna live there!
Anyways...for who doesn't know we have this love hate relashionship...
I still pray for him and for his family.
Regardless of him making it or not, I'm moving on with my life. I can't stand staying in San Francisco anymore worrying about the decisisons my husband is doing of destroying his and my life, becausee it is driving me nuts and putting me down. I  have plans to go to  the beaches of Rio de Janeiro, surf on warm water, get a nice tan on the perfect weather, have some coconut water, shake my buddy dancing with my girlfriends, and have a great time regardless of the my heart being broken by the ...time! It's gonna take a whole army to put me down. Very soon I'm gonna be dancing a lot of Samba!!!
I'm also trying to contact the right doctor to get some plastic surgery and so I can keep my self steem even after my body has been destroyed  for a good cause: the life of my wonderful son.
And start taking some baby steps towards my business plan by contacting some friends that have a business buying some products I know will sell like water in Brazil, and planning to visit the right places over there so I can get the langerie and products I know will sell here.
It's been hard to follow with all my tasks even with the stones on my way, but I've been trying to be closer to God, reading my Bible, going to church, praying and going to Al-Anon family groups. I'm so grateful for all the support I have from my family, Drue's family, friends, church, alanon strangers...
I can't get to my hometown, Rio de Janeiro, wonderful city!
Please pray for us.
Gosh! I think I wrote a bibliography! Sorry you took your precious time to read this.
 

[koolmaa]

Apr. 1, 2009 at 4:21 PM

Good luck ma....u got to do what u got to do!