Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief

[chrise299]

 

                                                       by  Evelyn Robinson

                                                              Presented in Toronto

                       for "ASK…..about reunion and The Canadian Council of Birthmothers

                                                   May 2, 2001

                                                       Introduction

        Although I have lived in Australia for almost twenty years, I am actually Scottish. I consider myself, in fact, an adopted Australian. Australia is my home but I have no Australian blood. Australian history is not the history of my people. My heritage and my ancestors lie in the hills of Aberdeenshire.        

    I am also a mother who lost my first child through adoption. His name is Stephen Ferguson and he was born in Edinburgh in 1970. I should like to make it clear that Stephen has been very supportive of everything that I havedone in the adoption area, especially of my book. In my book ("Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief") I havetold the story of my experience of becoming pregnant and losing my son through adoption and of the impact ofthat experience on my life. As a result of that experience, I found myself joining ARMS (Association

Representing Mothers Separated from their children by adoption) in 1989 in South Australia and I have been a member since then. During that time I have spoken with hundreds of mothers who also lost their children through adoption.

In writing my book I drew on not only my own experience, but also on the experiences of the many women I had encountered over the years. Because of my own experience and the voluntary work that I did with ARMS for many years, I decided to pursue a career in the counselling field. I returned to study in 1995 and completed a post-graduate degree in social work. I have been employed by ARMS as their Counsellor/Co-ordinator since September 1999. Throughout my professional studies, I focussed as much as I could on grief and loss issues and how these applied to adoption. In my book I have also described my research from a social work perspective
into the impact of adoption on people's lives. Towards the end of my book I describe my views on adoption and my vision for a future without adoption.

For these three reasons, my personal experience, my experience for twelve years as an ARMS member and my professional experience as a social worker and author, I feel that my opinions on adoption deserve to be taken seriously. Adoption is a subject that stirs up a great deal of emotion. I am angry at the hurt that has been caused by adoption, but I am not bitter. Anger can be a positive and productive emotion. Bitterness is only negative and destructive.

The naming of those whose lives have been affected by adoption often causes difficulties. My belief is that it is not the names that are used that are of greatest importance, but rather the views and the intentions behind the terminology. The words that I use and my comments on adoption are not intended to demean or to offend anyone. I am here to present my personal opinion on adoption loss and grief in the hope that it will be of interest
to you.

Before an adoption takes place, a child and his or her family of origin are separated from each other. This separation means that losses are experienced. Adoption is based on loss and grief is the emotion that we expect to follow loss. My main focus has always been the grief experienced by mothers who have lost children through adoption, although I have also explored to some extent the losses experienced by adopted people. Much of what I believe about the nature of the grief experienced by mothers applies also to adopted people, as the losses resulting from being separated from their families and being issued with a replacement birth certificate have also traditionally not been acknowledged or understood. I do not address the loss associated with infertility, which is an issue for some adoptive parents, as this is not a loss which is caused by adoption. I originally became interested in the concept of disenfranchised grief and started to explore how it might apply to adoption. From there I came to form a view of adoption as a whole. I was impressed by this quotation in a book called "A Burnt-Out Case" by Graham Greene. A character says, "I discovered what seemed only to be a loose thread in my jacket - I pulled it and all the jacket began to unwind". That is what happened when I began by exploring
disenfranchised grief in adoption. Eventually, the whole of adoption began to unravel.

Adoption and disenfranchised grief

What does adoption mean to those involved? Traditionally adoption has been seen as a tidy solution to everyone's problems, which suits all of those involved. However, many people are now beginning to view adoption quite differently. It is now felt that by creating a replacement birth certificate for a child, we are saying that we do not value that child's actual heritage and identity. Otherwise how could we erase them with an adoption order? In this, the 21st century, we have learned to value each individual, regardless of gender, race, sexuality or disability and so how is it that we still fail to value people's origins? Every time we allow a child to be adopted we are
saying to that child that his or her heritage is so insignificant that we are happy to wipe it out completely so that it has no legal standing whatsoever.

Whenever we allow a child to be adopted we are also saying to the parents of that child that we do not value their parenthood, because we are willing to eliminate their role and to provide their child with a new birth certificate, which allows the false assumption that they as parents did not exist. Most children have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and often siblings. Adoption denies that those relationships exist. The denial involved in adoption devalues the entire family of origin. This is an insult to the child, to the parents of the child and to all other family members. How could we expect people not to be deeply hurt by such an experience? Adoption creates a permanent legal separation within a family. When family members are separated from each other in this way, they are lost to each other. You cannot have adoption without loss.

Grief is not only the expected response to a loss, it is also a positive and beneficial response, because
grieving allows us to process our loss. Community education programmes are vital, to highlight adoption loss and grief issues and to increase understanding and awareness of the need for adoption-related support services. We expect those who have lost a family member to grieve that loss and community support is generally provided for that grief. Because of the lack of community understanding of the grief which follows adoption loss, however, there has been an unfortunate lack of community support for adoption-related grief.

The secrecy and denial involved in adoption have contributed to the difficulties in resolving adoption-related grief. A lifetime shadowed by sadness is actually exactly what one would expect for someone whose life has been affected by adoption. For too long, however, those seeking help have been made to feel inadequate and have been labelled as having made a "poor adjustment" to their situation. In fact, they are the fortunate ones who are approaching the issue with openness and honesty and are already on the path to healing because of their awareness.    "end of sample"

Full Article located and continues here.   http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/Adoption&Loss.html

[onethentwins]

Apr. 1, 2009 at 8:04 PM

So true. The last paragraph particularly hits home. Birth Mothers are accused of bitterness and refusing to heal. Adoptees are accused of ingratitude. It's very important that those of us that have had to live with the aftermath of Adoption speak up regardless.