The End is in Sight!

[StrandedDesigns]

We are finally nearing the end of Spring Break! Which was certainly not a break for me! My 7 and 5 year old boys have been off school, of course, for more than a week. Our school division deems it necessary to add days onto an already adequate break from school. So, with my husband working 2 jobs and my 4 kids and I at home all day long (sometimes until after bedtime), it's been a really long week.

There have been non-stop crafts, most of which don't get cleaned up and a screaming 3 year old who is normally very temperate, however, with her brothers instigating screaming fits and then laughing at her when she boils over, things have not been peaceful. Which, of course, stresses me out!

This week was supposed to be a week for my kids and I to reconnect after having gotten into a pattern of me nagging, yelling and using guilt trips (which I swore I would never do) to get results. So, the first day of vacation last week, we sat down and talked about what was going to change. We had a really great conversation, cried together and apologized. I felt so much better and renewed in my resolve to be a better mom.

I don't think I did badly this last week in terms of controlling my temper and using a normal tone of voice to communicate with them. However, it certainly hasn't been the bonding experience I was looking for! I was hoping we could enjoy our time together rather than me wishing for the next morning I could kiss them off to school.

So many people say 'wow you're a busy mom' and I am! But so are a lot of my friends! There are at least 2 other mothers the I'm friends with that have 4 little ones whose oldest child also attends my son's grade one class. I'm sure that their lives aren't all peachy, but sometimes I feel like there are far more bad days than there are good ones. I'm not enjoying the journey of raising my children. Does that make me a bad person? All too often I hear the words of the wise reminiscent of times long since past from their children's childhood years. Their eyes glazed over in remembrance of their own time spent in young parenthood. They admonish me to cherish this time as it has all too soon come and gone. I accept that one day I'll be that elderly woman smiling at a mother struggling with her children in the supermarket and repeating for the 50th time, 'no you CAN'T get a treat, we're going home to have dinner.' However I hope that I can learn from the wisdom of others and instead of feeling guilt and remorse for the mother I could have been, I hope i can feel joy at the time I had with my children where we laughed together, teased each other and played with messy things without the worry of how it was going to be cleaned before we even started.

I'm not looking to relinquish the discipline in my home. I know how detrimental that would be for all of us, however, I do want to enjoy my life! So, how do I find that balance? How do I make myself relax? How do I put aside my own ideas of what I would like to do with my time and turn myself over to the will of my children, at least for a time? How do you stop yourself from blowing your top when you've asked something a dozen times and it still hasn't gotten done?

In my pursuit of happiness, I know the key is balance. I need to learn how to give just enough of myself to everyone that THEY feel like I love them as much as I do. I need to learn how to do enough cleaning that my family is happy in our home. I need to learn how to love and support my husband so our relationship doesn't get lost in the mix of raising our children. But I also need to leave enough so that I nurture my own dreams and desires. I need to make sure that I'm not JUST a wife, a mother, a teacher, a nurse, a homemaker or a counsellor. I need to be a friend to those who need me. I need to have enough time and energy to work on creating something I feel proud of. I need to offer support and love to my mom who is going through terminal cancer. I need to wear all these hats. I need to find something that works for me and for us.