Deeply frustrated with my five year-old's behavior

[HeidiLJ]

My daughter is just over five years old.  She is exceptionally bright, already reading a few words and sounding out words when we are out shopping.  Able to write all her letters, etc.  She can be very sweet and loving.  However, has always been aggressive towards her little sister who is 22 months younger than her.  Has hit, pushed, bit her to get toys back and etc for the last couple years.  Also, does not listen the first time except on a rare occasion.  It typically starts out with us asking politely, "Please put your shoes on, it's time to leave" but quickly becomes louder and more forceful to get her to cooperate.  She does not like being told no, and can be very unpleasant when this happens.  Today we were at the lake and she unbuckled herself while I was unbuckling her sister and began to shove past her to get out the door.  I said, "You are hurting your sister, you need to wait until I finish unbuckling her and then you can come out this side."  She hit me-not hard-but still!  I told her that she had lost her privilege of feeding the ducks because it was not ok to hit her mommy.  So, the three year-old and I fed the ducks as my five year-old whined, yelled, kicked a bush,a sign, and eventually our van as a show of her frustration.  Then, I also got to hear, "You don't love me.  You love my sister more than me."  Later, out of the blue, after having received some positive attention.  (I admit not being terrific at doing this.  There are days where it is SO hard to find something positive to praise.  I need to work on this!)  Anyway, she is sitting on my husband's lap and begins to tell him that she is going to pull a silver knife out of her pocket and stab him in the eye.  Where does this come from?  She doesn't watch any adult television, only PBS kids and videos we provide.  No one speaks to her like this.  She also frequently threatens her sister when angry, "I'm going to cut your head off," or "I'm going to push you down."  She requires lots of attention, and I am fully aware that a lot of times that is the root of the problem.  She loves to cuddle and hug but sometimes I am so disgusted with her negative behavior that I have to force myself to reach out to her as often as I do her little sister.  This child is so hard!  I am worried we are raising someone who will end up a sociopath or something.  Is anyone else going through this?  I know I need to be more patient.  My husband and I tell each other this every day, but inevitably the yelling begins at some point because we are absolutely at the end of our rope.  We are taking her to a behavioral specialist soon in hopes they can offer us some help and also reassure us that our child is not headed towards torturing small animals and eventually being suicidal or something.  It also doesn't help that a) I am nine months pregnant with our third child b) she has recently been diagnosed with absence (staring) seizures for which we have only recently started her on medication and c) I had many of the same characteristics as she did as a child: impulsive, easily frustrated, easily bored, etc-and I think that makes me even less able to deal with it.  I love my little girl very much but I am at the end of my rope.  Today was a very bad day . Tomorrow may very well be better-it often is.

[sherriet]

Apr. 3, 2009 at 10:55 PM

Oh sweetie.  Hugs.  I don't know what to tell you.  DD used to have anger issues - came and went in 24 hours; maybe 2-3 times a month.  Patience is all I can suggest for now.  I'll do a little digging to see what I can find.

[Kellyjude1]

Apr. 4, 2009 at 7:58 AM

 It seems you are doing all the right things.  I was going to suggest a behavior specialist but it seems you are ahead of that thought.  Staying on top of things and getting a hold of any problems at an early age is the most important.  I am not sure if you use the time-out method but that is what we use and it has worked.  Maybe try and talk to her of her feelings when she has a meltdown.  Letting her know it is okay to be upset or angry-that you guys can talk this through.  Positive praise for when she does do well is always good.  Maybe try and spend some one on one time with her when she does do well.  Just you and her spend the day together doing special things.  I hope things get better.  hang in there.

[mamadowns]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 2:18 PM

WOW!!  You know exactly how I am feeling!  I have such an easier time with our littlest too.  I feel so bad that I can't have the same kind of relationship.  When our oldest Haidyn tries to hug and cuddle it's so hard for me to return her affection.  Hopefully, it will get easier for both of us.