Dear John ... you have no rights

[bubblycute]

Dear John,

     I am writing this letter to inform you that while you're the essential and ever necessary sperm donor of our 3 yr old, that while legally you hold the term "father" you have no rights with him. Legally because your name is on the birth certificate you have all the rights in the world. (Thank you CA state laws that allow him to have his say so on medical issues, etc etc while he hasn't seen his son in over 2 months and the last time before that it was a 7 month stretch)

   I know that you feel because you've seen your son twice in the span of a year you know all about him and how to control him. But I'm here to say you're seriously misguided. Could you name me your sons favorite color today? Right now? This very second? Probably not so I'll tell you here, it's Green he loves the color green. Could you tell me right now if he prefers chocolate chip cookies or oreos? How about if he prefers Hot wheels or Lighting McQueen toys? No you can't answer those questions can you?

   So please inform me and persuade me to think differently about you having rights to your son? If you don't know anything about him how can you expect to try and discipline him through the phone? Do you really think he is listening to you? Do you really think he's going to retain what you're saying? More importantly do you think I'm going to take the time to reinforce your authority, when I'm the one here 100% of the time having to SOLELY provide for him in every way shape or form? Don't you feel ridiculous discipling our son over the phone. when you can't take the time to be physically in his life. I know I know you live in San Diego and I live in San Jose, but still once a month or at least every other month you could TRY and visit.

  So again I'm telling you here that outside of the decision making process (that by law I'm forced to include you on) you have no rights to try and discipline him, tell me how to control him or handle situations. You have no rights to tell me whether I can or can not put him in a hip hop dance class or wether you want him to dress punk instead of whatever I've chosen to put him in. I get the right to that and only me because I'm the one who buys his clothes (and since you contribute no money to his clothe or food fund or any money at all) you have no rights to tell me what to buy him!

    You want rights for the day to day things, you need to become a day to day part of his life! I realize that you have no interest and that he doesn't hold a candle to the kids who live with you in San Diego, but then maybe you should realize that you don't have any rights with him. You can't pick and chose what kids to be a parent to and what kids not to be. It's unfair to him and because you're not concerned with being unfair to him, is all the more reason I'm telling you (kindly) that you have no rights to your son, not on this!

Signed,

The mother and true parent to our Son.

[Bearsjen]

Apr. 4, 2009 at 2:02 PM

I know in IL if the bio dad has not paid any financial support they have no rights . NONE. so check that out hon. I loved the calling him out on whats the color right now? I think if I were in your shoes I would tell him son is sleeping when he wants to discipline over the phone. Just fib mom...save yourself the heartache of tryin to explai things to him and just say"nope he's sleeping" if he wants to talk nice, thats one thing, but really is this guy going to take you to court, stand in front of the judge and the world and say he sees his kid 2x a yr? I dont think so...you still have the power here, use it. good luck and hope things work out for you and your LO. :o)

[mom-2-4boys]

Apr. 4, 2009 at 6:41 PM

Have not been in the same situation, but helping a friend through this right now. #1 child support and visitation are two totally different subjects. I hope you are going after the support for your child it is the least a man can do for his child. Make sure you are keeping a diary of things said or done (no matter how thick the stack becomes) to help you out in court. To see a child twice a year is a shame!! Good Luck!

[bubblycute]

Apr. 4, 2009 at 8:57 PM

Thank you for your words and advice... it's definitely a very frustrating situation to be in

(Original Poster)