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how do you get over the anger of suicide?
- Apr 6, 2009 at 4:29 AM
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- Comments (6) Total Views (196) Everyone can see this journal post.
tonight i learned my cousin committed suicide. he shot himself in the head. hes gone. he was getting ready for church, told his mother he would be right back...he never came home. my aunt lives in lawrance, ks and she looked everywhere she could think of for him. he didnt answer his cell. he had a lake he went fishing at every week. without fail. she went there last. she found her baby in his van with a hole in his head. how do you get over that? how do you EVER make that ok?
daniel was my friend. as children, he was my best friend. now he is gone. im not ok. i dont want to be ok. im angry. i dont even know what to say~but i know i have to say something. i can not live with this anger and not get it out. now. in a few hours i will go with my mother to tell my 92 year old grandmother that her grandson is dead. how do i do that? how do i get over that?
my aunt christie is one of the best people in the world. but we have affectionatly dubbed her and her sons as "the kennedy's". heres why:
christie was married to steve. they farmed in caddo county oklahoma and had 4 boys. she was a teacher and church piano player. everyone loved them. her sons were the brothers i never had. i spent every school holiday at their farm. most every life lesson i ever learned was in the company of "my brothers". daniel and i were the closest. we were 2 yrs apart and we had no secrets. he was the first person i ever got in a fist fight with. the first person i gave a bloody nose to. he taught me the finer art of snipe hunting. he made fun of my texas drawl. he was so much to me. we had so many memories together. i learned how to shoot a bb gun, how to set living room carpet on fire, how to play the drums, how to win at mario brothers, how to fish, how to walk a show steer, how to tell when a watermelon was ripe, how to ride a 4 wheeler, how to know that when you plug in a wood burner and you touch the top of it, it was hot, how to put frogs in a box and light a cherry bomb and put it in the box and turn frogs different colors, how to pour water down a hole and catch a grasshopper and use it as bait, how to make rivers and streams with the water hose for my tonka trucks, how to make the BEST forts in the western hemisphere~all with my cousin. every good memory i have of my childhood involves him some way. and now the worse memory of my adult life involves him too. how do i get over that? what if the memory i have as an adult somehow makes me loose the memory i have as a kid? i am so scared to have that taken away from me.
my brothers were nathan, paul, daniel, and matt. nathan was on a 4 wheeler coming out of a ditch. he had been working in the watermelon field (they were commercial watermelon, peanut, and cantalope farmers). a harvest truck was parked in the ditch and he didnt see a truck coming down the country road going 80 mph. the truck hit nate on the 4 wheeler. the drs had said that if he did live, he would be a vegetable. as he got better, they said he would not be able to walk again. he is now married in okc and is a professional musician and master carpenter and walks fine.
the day after i graduated high school, paul was killed. he was struck by a semi trailer that swerved on his side of the road. his young wife was with him and she has had mental problems since then. they had a 5 month old baby girl at the time. i came to OK to stay with my aunt and take care of the baby since her mom was in the hospital with her legs fractured a total of 16 different places.
daniel and matt were in a car, playing "chicken" with one of dan's friends. dan lost control of the jeep and it rolled. he and matt were thrown out. the jeep rolled over dans body with the jeep landing bottom side up and the roll bars resting on his throat. matt had a broken hip/pelvis/arm. daniel was never never the same after this. this happend less than a year after paul died. he was in a coma for a long time, on life support the whole deal. again according to the drs he would not live. when he did live, he could not walk. he had a feeding tube inserted into his stomach to eat. his larnyx was crushed and his voice was almost lost forever. he ended up making light of it. his email address was "scarthroat". what a sense of humor he had. he had gone to state in choir, but now his voice was barely a whisper and it sounded like he had a throat full of gravel. he went to physical rehab, learned to walk, talk, use his arms and take care of himself. he started from scratch. and he did so well. he was not "mentally handicapped". i really wonder if there was some sort of brain damage, but it was never diagnosed. he spoke and thought sharply. he was smarter than most "normal" people i have known.
matt. when he was very small, he went outside to play "power rangers". dan was on the riding lawn mower. he didnt know matt was out there. matt fell off the deck and dan ran over him with the lawn mower. it cut off his heel and shredded his leg. since they lived in a remote area, my aunt had to drive her baby over an hour to the hospital in her lap, wrapped in towels, with his heel in the ice chest and him bleeding out all over her van. the drs were able to reattach his heel, but "he would never walk again due to the fact that the calf of his leg looked like hamburger meat". he is now living in indonesia. he went there several years ago to be a missionary. he met a wonderful girl from there, and they were married last summer. she is now 7 months preg. with their first baby. he teaches english as a second language to help the indonesian people become educated and provide for their families. he says his favorite thing to do is run with the kids in the village. his leg is fine.
now christie....her husband of over 20 years ended up having an affair with the small town prostitute and he left her. after he left, she found out he had stolen several million dollars from thier neighbors, pastor, and her parents (my grandparents). he had become a part time investment broker and "set up" fake accounts. the people would give him the money to invest and he created false web sites and phone numbers and everything so that they could "keep track" of their money and investment. but there was never any account. he spent the money on his new lifestyle of prostitue girlfriends and her drug addiction. this was totally out of the blue. stever was so special to me. my parents and i were very very close to him. we NEVER saw it coming. no one did. he was investigated by the IRS and FBI and was sent to prison. (he is now out and lives outside OKC) due to stupid laws here in OK, my aunt was liable for his fraud. the FBI and IRS went after her since he was spending his time in prison. even though she didnt know about any of this until AFTER he left. this has been 15 years ago, and she is STILL PAYING THIS DEBT.
so. back to dan. he has had problems keeping jobs and staying with stuff since his accident nearly 12 yrs ago. he was a musician, a DJ, he had his own recording company, an artist. he was so smart. he had so much potential. the last several years he just wasnt well. his body began turning on him. he went to dr after dr after dr with no diagnosis and no relief. they tested him for everything you can imagine. no result. but he was physically sick. my uncle in california took dan to mexico last year. he recieved different treatments at a clinic down there using meds not approved by the FDA here in the states. (not "drugs", but acutal meds) he was so desperate to try anything to be well. it was affecting his mental health as well. when he was in mexico, he was great. the meds were actually helping him and improving his life. but when you run out of money, you have to go home. so he came back. and the downward spiral started again. he was placed on meds for pain and depression and this and that, and they counteracted with one another and caused more problems and he eventually became addicted to his pain meds. he also started abusing alcohol which was a no no. so the effects of the meds and the booze just made him...nuts. several months ago he checked himself in to rehab. he completed it. he was good. he got a job, he found a great church, reconnected with his friends and family he had left behind in his ordeal. we thought he was doing so much better. he had moved from lawrance and became a master carpenter for a group of mennonites who build houses. he had met a girl with a couple of kids and began dating her. he was doing so good. we thought. then several weeks ago, he was back in lawrance, living with his mom. he was 29. he had always lived with her because there were so many days he couldnt get out of bed because of hte pain he was in. yesterday, he called our uncle in california and told him he was in the best place he had been in a long time. he was feeling better, and he was doing great. they talked for 3 hours. this morning he blew his brains out. my uncle is blaming himself. he thinks he should have caught on that something was wrong. he should have paid better attention to every minute detail dan gave him. he should have been looking for clues. but there were none. its not my uncles fault. he was the only one dan would reach out to for help. and he didnt.
my aunt is a teacher. she is an elementary school teacher. she is a piano teacher. she is a GED teacher. she is an adult literacy teacher. all she wants to do is make this world a better place. to help the underdog up. to help make someone elses destiny better. and now she is going through this. i am so angry. i dont understand this. why did she have to be the one to find him? there were other people at that lake. why didnt someone else find him first? why did she have to open the door to that van and find her son with his brains on the wall? i am so angry. i want to tear something up. i want to sleep but cant. no, im not ok. i dont want to be ok. i dont want to be strong. i want to be angry. but most of all, i just want to hear his voice again. please pray for us. please pray for my precious aunt christie. for nate and for matt (who i dont know if he will get to come back from indonesia). the funeral will be here in OK. he will be buried next to his brother.
Comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Just let it out honey. It'll make you feel better. Im here for you.
My thoughts are with you. Whatever you do, don't forget you are a mom. When it hurts give your little one a kiss or hug, it might help. if you need to vent, I'll listen.
God Bless you and your whole family. If it's any consolation, just in my own experience with never ending pain, no one knows how bad you really hurt. No matter how hard you try to explain it, no one knows but you. To me it has been like something eating away in areas which you can't get relief from. And no one really knows. Try as hard as you can to fight it, but it never goes away. Somedays that is all you can think of. It hurts, and no one knows how bad. Please as a person going through never ending pain and docs just wanting to prescribe, prescribe, prescribe, it does not take away the pain. It eats at your brain. I hope you will understand some of his pain as I have not taken his way of ending mine. Pray for him to feel no pain now. It does not take your pain away but it should comfort you to know he was not sick mentally, the pain just ate away til he couldn't take it any more. I know this does not excuse the way he left you all and his mom finding him. God has his reasons for putting her where she was at that moment. I am sure as time goes by, she will see the reason for the discovery. For now, you all just pray for your cousin and hold his memories close. It sounds like he left you with many and many good ones of strong people. He didn't do this to himself, his pain did it. Lord, please watch over and guide this family through this ordeal and touch them with your love and let the love of their loved one touch them as well. Amen
I am so sorry to hear this. My heart just breaks for you, your aunt, and the rest of your family. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I'll be praying for you, but just know its ok to be angry, sad, not "ok", and wanting to break something. And people who are meaning well may try to say things to comfort you, but it will only make you angry. It's ok - get angry. Don't feel like you have to be the strong one, the one who is keeping her emotions in check... let it all out.
Again... I am so sorry. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you. My mother was very sick for a very long time. I know there were many times she did not think she could take it anymore. I know you are very upset and angry right now and I do not understand why what happened did but I do know sickness does make you come to the end of your rope at times. I know the bible says and He will wipe away all of our tears and there will be no more sorrow or pain. I pray you can find comfort that he is now in the most beautiful peaceful place and that God the Father is with him comforting him. My thoughts and prayer are with youand your aunt and all of your family!!! I would give you the biggest hug possible if I was there!!! God Bless and Let me know if you need to talk!
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I am so sorry your family is going through this now. I don't know how to go on after that. I have never been there.
I am sorry you lost such a dear friend and family member. I'll be praying for comfort for your family. I have a friend here whose dh commited suicide about a year ago. I can put you in touch with her if it will help you.
Tonya
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