Forgotten

[angelhorns]

Why do I always disappear, just fade into the past. Why am I not vibrant and full of life in the already happened. I serve a purpose for so many others, when do I get to hold on to something without it misting through my fingers. I'm trapped in the cell of my emotional loneliness. I will love and let go so others may know the same. But why am I forgotten like a flicker of a candle with no meaning to it. Why can I not be held dear to someone, and hold on to them tangably. I have loved so deep and still feel every emotion no matter how long ago I let go. I'm like a whisper to them of good thoughts, but as soon as the thought is over so am I. Do I not matter, do I not hold importance to anyone other then myself. What happened to the promises and all the words so longing and intense, they have lost there meaning towards me, and now what? What do I do with the shell of my soul, how can I dare to fill it up again? The circles I draw in my loneliness are getting bigger and waiting is getting harder. Must I feel, do I need to love, these wretched feelings of agony wont leave my body. They ravage me internally until my whole body aches. Love such a funny little word, such a hateful little word. For who truely cares, who sticks around, and who loves anymore. Such a silly thought like a novel, or classic poetry, love is. It is an ideal and meant for short spurts of foolishness. Anyway, I sit by the pond of my emotions staring and wondering who am I, and what will become of the deepest part of my soul. The one that no one see's, it is not for their lack of want I'm sure. I just don't believe they know it is there. What creature am I to want something so much and dispise so much more because I want it. "Silly Little Girl", I tell myself. "What is wrong with you? Love is not something you need. You know what will happen if you do it again, and then we will end up right back here asking the same question". Am I a silly girl, I hold on to hope that one day I might be treasured as much as I have treasure others. Is that really to much to ask, I wonder where I'm suppose to be or what it is that I must do to get there. Love must just not be for me, maybe I am to strong, independent and willful to have love, if I am then I am destined to be alone. Alone, it echo's in my mind. Is alone so bad, could I do it for the rest of my life? Then I remember what its like to have someone flesh and blood put their arms around me and hold me tight, the sound of their heartbeat in my ear. The feeling of being able to run to them when something isn't right, love. That ambiguous little word, Can I satisfy myself dreaming everynight, do my dreams send out waves to someone waiting for me, do I call to them at night. Is someone as tortured as I am wondering the same thing. And as the ripples of indecisiveness flow over the pond of my soul I wonder, why I am so weak to want something I despise. Why do I want it so much, when I can't let it in. Why can't someone touch my soul and leave their hand there, all it has now is fossils of the past. Could love possible be real, it is a pretty little thought is it not? But a thought is all it is, may the memory of it be lost with the deep and dwelling sadness inside of me.