When what you had is gone

[Lilbeamercomin]

I met my husband in October of 2004, we were married June of 2007. Over the years I have accepted things about him as parts of who he is. One thing I can no longer embrace are his temper tantrums. The last person I remember seeing throw a temper tantrum was my younger brother ... when he was 4. Whenever something happens, or my husband has to do something that he doesn't want to do (or hears what he doesn't want to hear, or when someone doesn't do what he wants them to do) he stomps around he house slamming things around and slamming cupboard doors. A couple of months ago he put his foot through the bathroom door. Another time he kicked is then new car, leaving a dent. He went on to then kick my car, also leaving a dent. I just can't take it anymore. I know it sounds like something very trivial and petty, but I really don't think I want to be with him much anymore.

When my husband and I started dating, I left everything behind. I moved an hour away from my family and friends, an hour away from everything I had ever known in my life. They have all since moved, and most of them to NC and Mass. Of course in the beginning everything was great, I mean everyone shows their best side in the beginning. I noticed he had some issues early on, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. Or so I thought. Now we have an 8 month old, a baby whom he doesn't have a problem with holding during one of his world class tantrums. Right there is the biggest problem. The next biggest would be his unwillingness to change so that our son doesn't grow up thinking this is suitable behavior. I've asked him if he would think about taking Anger Management classes and counseling but he will only do it if I go and if I set it up. To me that says he has no interest in doing it, and will only go through the motions to look good. He has no intentions of changing because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He is more than content to live out the rest of his life acting like a child who has been told they can't have a lolli-pop.

I have tried, on several occasions, to get him to see why his behavior needs to change. It never works though because he just turns around and says "oh like you never throw a tantrum?" I do. Every person does. The difference here is that I maybe have one rotten day out of the month where as his problem is almost daily. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Sure, they're both fruit, but that's where the similarities end. He has embarrassed me in public on countless occasions. Forget shopping with him. Heaven forbid someone take an extra 30 seconds to read a label when he's trying to get by. He speeds past people, mumbling obscenties under his breath, but loud enough for others to hear. Twice we have almost gotten into car accidents because he wants to think he is 17 or something. Both times he has gotten out of the car running his mouth to the other person, and both times has embarrassed himself and I. Most recently I'm sure he realized his mistake when the other guy was twice his size. That one happened after he pulled out in front of someone, then when they followed too closely he pulled over and let them pass. He then followed them home and started saying things that just sounded stupid. He didn't care that I was embarassed, and he didn't care that I was 7 months pregnant. He didn't care about how inconsiderate he was being.

I do not want to raise my son around him. I don't I don't I don't. Every time he throws a tantrum I have to make the conscious effort to refrain from packing up the car and leaving. Though in order to leave I would need a place to go. That I don't have. I am 110% trapped in this situation. Worse though my son is trapped in this. I'm sure that is what makes it such a crappy situation. I feel like if I knew that I had a place to retreat to that things would be OK. I could handle it as long as I had an escape route, but being trapped makes me feel resentful towards him. I know I don't like him anymore, but lately I am having a hard time feeling love for him. I have to force myself to say the words to him. The really sad thing though - I could tell him all of this. I could explain things the way I see them and let him know how it hurts me and how it makes me feel. His reaction however would probably be something like "I can never do anything right" and then he would stomp off and throw a tantrum. It's pointless. I mean seriously, why should I even bother? He's not going to change for me and he's definitely not going to change for our son.

At this point I think my plan of action will be to get a job, save some money, and hope to be able to move out soon enough for this influence to not effect my son. My mother in law is the only person so far who has tried to help me with this. She came over one day to play mediator, but even with both MIL and myself bringing things up, my husband sat there trying to grasp onto my flaws. I know I am not perfect, I am very far from it and I am the first person to admit that. But I know that kids learn from early ages and I'm sure some of what Dominick has seen is already sticking with him. Take a toy away from him and listen to him squeal and grunt then watch him slap - me! My husband is usually the first person to chime in and say something like "Dominick that's not nice," and every time he does I have to bite my tongue. I want very badly to say something like, "Where do you think he is learning this?" Or, "Do you see how your actions influence him?" He wouldn't though and would just get defensive and walk away. There is no talking to him because as soon as I say something he doesn't want to hear he walks away. I have literally been hysterically bawling trying to get him to see how badly his actions have hurt me and he just walks off. Would you want to be married to that? At this point divorce is inevitable unless he puts in an effort.

I remember I used to get butterflies whenever he walked towards me. Up until probably 3 months after our wedding. I didn't want to do anything without him. All he had to do was smile at me and my heart would melt. I miss that. When he looks at me now I want to slap him. When he comes towards me my inital reaction is to turn and walk the opposite direction. Going anywhere with him is now something I have to gear up for. I have the seat in my car adjusted so that I can slink down into it when he embarasses me. I used to want to look my best for him, now I want to look my worst in hopes that it will keep him away from me. I blame myself a little bit though. I feel like I waited too long to bring attention to the problems. At the same time though I remember telling him about how I felt after an incident where he stabbed a pair of scissors into a filing cabnet. This took place a few months after we started dating.

I just had to step away from this to let my dog out, and it hit me. A few weeks after our son was born, my husband and I got into a fight. He tried loading our son into the car and leaving. With my son crying hysterically in his car seat on the floor, my husband repeatedly pushed me back onto the couch so that I could not console him (son). That's the day I realized I had to leave him. He stood there, letting our scared son cry and kept me - the person our son wanted - away from him. That's the day when my MIL had to step in. He is the first person to point out selfishness in others, and doesn't realize how inconsiderate he is. As I sit here writing all of this out I am going over his bad qualities and comparing them with his good qualities, unfortunately there is more bad than good.

[TanyaR1024]

Apr. 13, 2009 at 9:48 PM Wow I am so sorry you are going through this. He sounds a lot like my sons father. He became abusive towards me and eventually, he kicked my son at 22 months old :( Thats when I left and never looked back. I hope you dont wait until you have money saved. Can your MIL help you? Can you live with your parents or something?

[Lilbeamercomin]

Apr. 13, 2009 at 11:54 PM

There isn't an issue with abuse, inatimate objects don't hit back KWIM? We talked a little earlier and decided to go through some counseling to see where it gets us. My parents aren't an option. My mother is moving to NC Wednesday (which is probably part of why I'm so stressed/emotional) and my father is - well, let's just say I would rather die in a gutter somewhere then ever live with him.

(Original Poster)