I tried to kill myself today...

[babymomma0306]

I tried to kill myself today

Just to make the pain go away

You never knew, I showed no signs

Either that or you were just blind

It was to much, the stress was mounting

As time ticked by, the minutes I was counting

My father gone, the drink meant more

Would rather leave then go to rehab

Was living with us really that  bad

Now I'm left to pick up the pieces

Mom is crying my sister lost

This isn't my place in the family to bare this cross

Being the oldest, I take on the role as dad

Even though I'm 16 she better off with me then with him, what she would've had

I remember you banging on the door drunk

My sister hiding, my mom crying, and me standing inside the door

With a knife in my hand not knowing what to do next

I wanted to stab you, make you go away

I wanted to protect my family, even if it meant a harsh punishment for me one day

I put the knife down and walked away, I'll never forget how I felt that day

I felt like a coward, like I couldn't do what needed to be done

Like someone had to save them from you and able to do it I was the only one

They still don't to this day know what I almost did

His sweet little angel, his perfect kid

I was the one who stayed up all night with mom crying on my shoulder

You should've loved her, you're the one who's suppose to comfort and hold her

Now my sister had issues and I'm the one who stays up all night

Talking to her, counseling her, worried about her

I'm not her parent but that's the roll I decide to take

If I don't I know later I'll regret it, it'll be a mistake

She needs someone to guide her and it's sure not you

If it wasn't for me what would she do

My mom tried to be strong but I understand it's hard

When the man you love and marry trades you and your children

For a night in the bar

I tried to kill myself today

No one knew I was even depressed

I'm the strong one, the protector, you don't ever get in her way

They thought I was moody, or it was hormones

Maybe I was just being a bitch

It could never be she on the verge of losing it

I stood there late at night, with the pills in my hand

Wondering what we did to you that you hate us

What must I do to make the hurt go away

I just want to feel better, isn't that ok

I stop and close my eyes, take a deep breath

I really feel like I have nothing in me left

While my eyes are closed I get this image in my head

Of what will happen when I'm gone, when I'm dead

Who will talk to my sister, who will comfort mom

Who will protect them when I'm gone

It sure as hell ain't you you'll even probably make my funeral all about you

And all the pain that your poor little heart is going through

And for my mom and my sister, they'll blame themselves

I think some more then put the pills back in the cabinet, back on the shelves

I relieze that if I do this, I have turned into him

I'm thinking about only myself if I give in

Eleven years later I look back on that day

Of all the things I almost threw away

I never would have had my babies the loves of my life

To see them smile and say I love you mommy

Would've never met my husband and become his wife

Would have never been a very pregnant maid of honor on my sisters wedding day

Would have never teared up when my mom gave her away

Would have never met some of the wonderful supportive friends I have now

Looking back I would have never guessed how I'd be feeling right now

The love that is given to me and I the love I give back

I could have lost it all if that night I hadn't put the pills back on the rack

If you think a friend is just having a bad day

Please turn turn around and walk the other way

Stop and talk, just offer a ear

You never know just what you might hear

I almost tried to kill myself that day

But I didn't

 

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Sorry if this poem kinda crappy I wrote it in like 10 minutes. I just need to vent about my alcoholic father and what he put us through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lb128f]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 2:55 AM

I'm so sorry and please........don't apologize for your words....they are what you felt...what you needed to say. I'm just sorry things weren't different...they should have been. Some things in life make us stronger, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. I see that you have been able to learn from your experiences -- You are such a good Mom...your children will never know this pain and that's a good thing. I'm glad you can write and release the hurt. It's good.

[LYNDELOU]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 1:50 PM

I too am so sorry that you went through this....Boy am I glad that you put the pills away...!!

You are a wonderful Mom , it is clearly seen in your picture's and read through your words....

I think sometimes when we write out the things we are feeling it helps US , doesn't matter what others think of how it is written , or what it is about....Its is something YOU needed to say...

And IMO you wrote it very well...

You know I love you girlfriend..!!!

[babymomma0306]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 3:38 PM

Thanks.

(Original Poster)

[daye62]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 7:58 PM

As the adult child of an alcoholic,and the "family hero",at that,your words could have been my own.It sounds like your pain is still very raw.May I suggest Al-Anon,a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics? There you will find understanding and support.In the meantime,please believe me when I tell you that it had nothing to do with his love for you.Your father was a very sick man,no more able to simply stop than to fly to the moon.While that is hard to hear,it's freeing to know that nothing you could have done would have changed what he was.That had to come from him.I'm glad you put the pills back on the shelf that dark day.Feel free to message me if you ever need an ear.

[barby402000]

Apr. 15, 2009 at 9:03 PM

I got goosebumps reading this. No one should have to go through something like that. It did make you stronger and a better person. Your mother and your sister appreciate it even if you don't think they know. I don't know you, but I'm glad you put those pills back. Blessings to you.

[tlmunro]

Apr. 16, 2009 at 10:18 AM

WOW!  I can hardly imagine what that poem would sound like if you took an hour to write it.  In ten minutes you you gave me chills and made me tear up.  What you went through sucks but from reading your thoughts it seems to have made you an extrodinary person.  Did anyone outside the house know what you were going through?  As a society I think we all need to ask more questions when someone is acting out.  We never really know what is going on behind closed doors unless we are the ones behind them.  Thanks for sharing you sure made me think.

Tammy

[older]

Apr. 16, 2009 at 12:05 PM

IF THIS ONLY TOOK TEN MINUTES I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT MORE TIME WOULD HAVE DONE! I AM SO SORRY FOR  WHAT YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH, BUT THIS IS A FORM OF VENTING THAT SERVES AS THERAPY AS WELL!

[TheLostMuppet]

Apr. 17, 2009 at 1:45 PM

Weve all been there, in one form or another. T
he sayin of "What doesnt kill us only makes us stronger" comes to mind.
Youve overcome so much! Dont ever sell youself short!
The life you live may not be perfect. Your past might of been rough, but its made you who you are. There are alot of people out there thankful for your strength!
Im glad you put down the pills.