I don't think that can be taught.

[v_clar]

I went to my mailbox the other day and pulled out a flyer from the Cancer Center at the hospital I use. I'm on their mailing list cause that's where I had my cancer treatments, so getting one of their flyers isn't all that unusual.

So, anyway, I open the flyer and they are inviting me to a class on how to be a caregiver to a family member that is battling a debilitating illness, like cancer. I actually laughed. Yes, I laughed, although I do realize it's not a laughing matter. But I laughed because that flyer came about 3 years to late for me.

My husband had a brain tumor three years ago. It wasn't cancer but it was rare and was the biggest one his doctors had ever seen. It took them 12 hours to take out his tumor, it had "eaten" his right ear (all he has left is an ear drum, he deaf on that side) and had begun to wrap itself around his brain stem. So, while it wasn't cancer it WOULD have killed him within 6 months. Hubs was in the hospital for 5 days. He came home two days before Valentines Day. And he went back to the hospital on Valentines Day. That time he was only there for 3 days. He had developed a fever and some weird pain so they wanted to test him for meningitis.

After that he came home for good. And he was bedridden. He had medication that he had to take every 1 1/2 hours he had special eye drops (cause he couldn't close his right eye), I had to check that his eye patch was adjusted correctly so he could see. I had to help him eat, take a bath, wash his hair, use the bathroom, etc.

The only break I had was when I could get a friend to come stay with him so I could go to church. I had NO ONE to help me. Not my family and only a few friends cause we had only lived here for 9 months and didn't know that many people.

I took care of my hubs alone and all the while I was doing that, I had two kids to take care of as well. My daughter was in kindergarten so only had half days at school so I made 3 trips to the school each and every day. I made breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I helped my son with his homework, attended school functions AND took my hubs to a gazillion doctor appointments.

I spent a lot of time praying that I wouldn't wake up with my hubs dead beside me. You see, he was in a depression so deep I was seriously afraid (turns out with good reason, but no he didn't do it). I had to spend a lot of time reassuring hubs that yes, in fact I had signed up for this. Part of that in sickness and health thing in our wedding vows.

So for months I ran on maybe an hour or two of sleep at night. I went to urgent care once because I had a cold and was so congested I could barely breath and I was afraid of pneumonia. If I got sick...well, I couldn't get sick there was no one else to take care of things. I paid the rent, the bills, did the grocery shopping..basically I did everything.

So, yes, when that flyer came, I laughed. You can teach someone the basics of care, but you can not teach them how it feels. How you feel so alone and totally lost. How you want so badly to cry but can't because you don't want to scare your kids or make your spouse feel worse. How to live on no sleep. How to make 4 doctor appointments within 3 hours at different ends of the city. How do you teach that? How do you tell someone how hard it is to not just say "I'm done! I'm outta here cause I can't handle it."?

You can't. The reality can't be taught it must be lived.

[shell81]

Apr. 17, 2009 at 11:16 PM

WOW girl I never knew you both had cancer before. HUGS I am glad it is gone for both of you.

I don't blame you I might have laughed also.