My past drives my future

[crkirby]

While I was at the gym today I got lost in thought while jogging on the treadmill.....As my ipod sifted through Tool, Metallica, Atreyu, Disturbed and many other metal bands, my mind drifted to this head space that I long for....and this is what my mind wandered to.....

I want a certain kind of life for myself.  I'm a stay at home wife.  I find joy in baking, cooking, doing gardening, sewing, knitting, and *gasp* even cleaning. 

I strive for my kids and my husband to have the best.  By that I don't mean material things...but good food I make for them, my attention and affection, the knowledge that mommy/wife WILL always be there and you will always be loved and cared for, you will always get everything I can give to make sure our life is the way we want it to be (simple and happy).

I could easily drop my daughter off at dance class and for that hour go to something for me...but I stay there, watch her, praise her when she steps out of that room.  I could easily buy prepackaged foods/dinners instead of making them from scratch, I could even more easily not spend time growing our own food or preserving them.

I wonder though, why do I have such a strong drive for this?  Why do I do these things when there are shortcuts, easier ways, faster ways?  I realized it comes back to my mom and I thank her for all the things she did (or didn't do rather).

All my after school activities were done with my grandmother.  My field trips had my grandmother as the chaperone.  My mom felt that dough-nuts, cakes, chips, fast-food and restaurants were fine to eat all the time every day....she NEVER cooked (I can count on one hand how many times I saw her do that).  She thought buying toys were the best thing to do.   She spent my child support checks on jewelry for herself, leaving clothes shopping to my grandmother.

I can thank her for being that way....because she taught me the ways I never want to be with my kids.  I don't want them to think toys and material things are how much I love them.  I want them to know that I support them in every single thing they do in their life.  I want them to know that they are secure and safe. 

Because of how my mother was, I know exactly how I want to be.  The kind of life I want to give my family.  From my upsetting and saddening past, my wonderful and happy future unfolds every day in front of me.

 

[Avata]

Apr. 17, 2009 at 9:06 PM

I love you beautiful. You have the simple (not said in an insult) ideals and you strive for them. XOXO

[BeanIrene1]

May. 17, 2009 at 11:51 PM

That is really sweet, and how I feel, minus the mother part. I have a good mom, who did do those things, although not to the extent that I believe you and I take it. But that is aside from the point....

In any event, I enjoyed reading this.