Scams and the elderly

[JoesGirl]

You hear of the warnings to beware of scams and fraud. They come in all flavors (all bad ones, though). Frequently elderly folks are their victims.

My neighbor is a sweet little old lady. She is very prim and proper. She doesn’t go anywhere unless she is dressed up. Her yard is manicured and she even edges the grass from creeping onto her sidewalk every year. She is just a little lady, shrunken with age. Don’t get me wrong though, she still gets around and is a feisty one.

I worry about her when I see her outside working. I’m not going to try to stop her, but I’ll either offer a hand, or just keep peeking at her out of the corner of my eye – just ‘in case’.

Maybe you have a sweet little old lady or gentleman in your neighborhood. You might have a few stories or memories of your own you could share.

How do you feel when you hear that one of these people is taken advantage of by a scam or by fraud?

Seriously, think about how it makes you feel. What is the knee-jerk reaction in your head?

Do you think to yourself that they deserve it? Do you have thoughts wondering if they weren’t smart enough to not leave a stone unturned while researching before making their decision, then it’s their own fault and they shouldn’t complain about it? Do you contemplate that after all those years they should just know better, and if they didn’t they’re just stupid and not worth any respect at all?

Or would you consider them a victim? Would you have empathy and realize that they are at a very vulnerable place in their life? Do you think about how dependants they are on others helping them make difficult decisions? Do you feel sad at how betrayed he or she must feel? Do you see the pain in their eyes as they describe the situation to you, and realize how much regret they have?

Scams and Fraud – it breaks my heart when I hear about another victim.

Hmmmm, victim.
The word ‘victim’ came up this week in regards to adoption. The children who are adopted and separated from their family unnecessarily- they are a victim, hands down. No question about it. They are a victim, and they had no say in it at all.

What about the mother who has lost her child to adoption? She can’t be considered a victim, especially when she signed away her rights. Or, can she?

If she is not a victim, then neither are the elderly in cases of fraud or scams.
Just like your sweet little old neighbor, that expectant mom is at a very vulnerable place in her life, and she has to try to figure out who she can trust and who she can’t trust.

Trust. There is the key. Scammers are professional ‘con artists’. They appear to care about their ‘victim’. They can tell outright lies while looking you in the eye, AND have a smile on their face. They use words to manipulate how their message is received. They can read their victim’s body language to know which part of their sales pitch is reeling in the deal. They know the key phrases to send subtly implied messages. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They will tell the ‘victim’ whatever they need to – no matter how hollow the promises are. They will avoid talking about facts that might cause them to lose the sale.

This is what adoption professionals do.

NO adoption agency should be allowed to claim they are giving ‘non – biased’ counseling. Talk about conflict of interest! That’s like handing your fish to the bear. The reality is that if adoption agencies do not get babies for their clients to adopt/buy, then the agency won’t stay in business. It is their business to get babies, period. It is not a ‘ministry’ as many ‘christian agencies’ claim. Their purpose is to get babies, not minister to the TRUE needs of the expectant mom so she can parent her baby.

Really it is ridiculous for any adoption professional to “provide counseling”. Their counseling is merely finding out how to manipulate the expectant mom. They do not discuss all her options. In the few situations that they do discuss options, being con-artists, they still tip the scales to make the “other options” sound bad, and mysteriously only the adoption option is made to sound “best” and “right.”

They refer to her as a birthmother – planting in her mind the seed to fulfill this new title they’ve put on her. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

They say adoption is a loving choice – which plants the idea that if she does not choose adoption, she is unloving. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

They say that adoption is brave – subtle terminology to say that if she does not choose adoption, she is a coward. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

They say that adoption is selfless (excuse me while I hack up a hairball at the hypocrisy on THIS!!)- which implies that parenting is selfish. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

If the e-mom (expectant mom) talks about her dreams and aspirations, will she get support and encouragement? Will they give her a list of resources? No.

The responses she will hear are like these “It isn’t fair for a baby to hold you back from reaching your dreams.” Instead of reminding her that she can still reach her goals – even if it takes her longer, and it will be hard, but she can do it.
Here’s another one, “How will you be able to go to college and take care of a baby?” Instead of providing her with ideas of getting student loans or reminding her that the child won’t need daycare their entire life! It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

Here are other key phrases, “children deserve a two parent home.” They forget to talk about the reality that aparents are human too. They go through divorce like every other facet in society. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.


And how is it that a ‘christian agency’ would say to an expectant mom, who is sitting there with the father of the baby - to not get married. Wait, it’s okay to rip apart flesh and blood, try to sever the SACRED God Designed mother/child bond? But it’s advised to not marry? So, instead of using their own Bible as a guide to show marriage as good, they’ll follow their own man-made ideology to separate the family (which is not in the Bible anywhere!). It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.


More counseling phrases are “Don’t you want your child to have the best? Other people can provide what your child needs.” This is more of the subtle negative message that she can’t give what her child needs and deserves. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.


These subtle messages are repeated over and over with each discussion and each visit by the adoption professional. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.


I could go on with phrases that adoption professionals use to undermine the expectant mom’s self worth and ability. But this post is not about that. This post is just to talk about being a victim.

Yes, unfortunately I am a first mom. I’ve lost my only child to adoption. I do acknowledge that I made the decision. But, so did the elderly man who wrote out the check to the scammer, he made a choice. Even though we played a part in our own misery, this does not erase the reality that we both are still a victim. And yet people will show compassion to him, but not toward a first mom.


No, it may not be the same degree of a victim who had absolutely no choice whatsoever, but why should we be condemning and judgmental of any victim? Is it to make oneself feel better by maybe feeling superior to, or better than, or smarter than the victim?

Even among victims, every one is different. Some face a period of denial. Some are too ashamed to talk about what happened. Some don’t get the help that they really need. Some try to just move on and try to pretend nothing happened. Some victims blame themselves beyond what is reasonable and are riddled with excessive guilt. Some never see justice. Some are angry for a long time afterward. Some stay crippled by the experience.

Being a victim does not absolve me of any responsibility. There is no need to be harsh or insist they be separated. I can be both responsible for my part, and still be a victim at the same time.

Victim of adoption fraud.
Similar to
Scams and the elderly.

[casjoh]

Apr. 20, 2009 at 8:29 PM

Great post Joes!

I think that many outside the world of adoption would see and understand just how much bmoms become victims to the greedy world of adoption.  I believe more and more are learning the truth.

But the difference with those who are directly involved, like many amoms, is that if they see and admit to what happened to bmoms, they have to admit that their adoption just might not be as ethically conducted as they want to believe.

There are some great amom we know who have stepped up and understood what happens to expectant moms when they come under the clutches of the adoption industry.  But there are so many more that prefer to keep their head in the sand because doing so continues their belief that adoption is a win-win situation and that their having a child to raise at their own didn't actually come at the loss for either their child or their child's bmom.

[blessed3times]

Apr. 21, 2009 at 12:34 AM

Your analogies just continue to blow me away JG.  Great post. Really, really great post....

The post recently from a mom who kept her baby and was just bashed and bashed by the potential a-mom was rolling around in my head today for some reason (even though I had responded to it a couple of days ago.) 

Anyway, I was thinking of that harassing PAP and the phrase  "wolf in sheep's clothing" leaped into my mind.  Haven't thought of that description in a while. 

And then I come here and see you using it (aptly I might add) and I wish that all expectant women could see that MANY MANY (translation: majority!) involved with the adoption industry are definitely wolves.

You realize your journals have the makings of a great book, don't you?  I haven't the foggiest on how to approach a publisher, but you should look into it. 

Just think of the lives you could change if your words were sitting bound in a book in a crisis pregnancy center or places like that!

(((MUCH LOVE)))

[JoesGirl]

Apr. 21, 2009 at 10:54 AM

"I think that many outside the world of adoption would see and understand just how much bmoms become victims to the greedy world of adoption.  "

Cassi.  So far this has not been my experience.

So far, the majority of the general public believe adoption to be a win/win situation. 

So far they are under the spell of all the pro-adoption marketing that has super saturated our society.

Yes, we can help educate one by one.  But I had general society as whole in mind when I wrote this.

Ask adoptees & I think they'll agree.  Because it is society as a whole & people who are NOT directly involved in adoption that tries to silence them.  Especially when they try to voice anything negative about adoption. 

However, I think you're right in your theory of aparents who refuse to acknowledge corruption in adoption.  They don't WANT to consider the high chances that their family came to be as a means of fraud.

I realize I need to post again as a follow up to how society wants to stop scams and fraud, but turn a blind eye to adoption fraud.

 

(Original Poster)