So I've never done this before and my husband keeps telling me I need to reach out to other people. This is my attempt at reaching out to other people, venting some frustrations, and sharing some of my joy.
I am a new first time mom to a beautiful little girl we named Rebecca. She is truly my pride and joy. I have been waiting for her arrival most of my life. I looked forward to becoming a mom even more than getting married (though I enjoy being a wife as well). While there are many challenges to motherhood as you all know, there is nothing more rewarding or heartwarming than seeing that little baby look at you with those adoring eyes and give you a huge toothless grin. :)
While my daughter can brighten my day no matter what happens, there are so many issues I face on a daily basis. My husband and I have always had a difficult relationship. He is a wonderful man but we both brought some major baggage into the marriage and dealing with that on a daily basis can be pretty wearing. Things have gotten a lot better since the birth of our daughter but we still have a long way to go.
My own personal struggles seem to be so many. I have a very difficult time communicating with people (especially my husband). I am always afraid of rejection from others. This seems to be my biggest problem in life. If I had to pick one issue to be magically solved, this would be it...FEAR. This fear causes me not only to have a difficult time communicating, but also makes my self-confidence almost non-existent. I feel like such a failure so much of the time. Even when I have big successes, they don't seem to linger for long before there's a long list of new failures to cover over any success. The only areas in my life I seem to do well in so far are in my career and in my ability to care for my daughter. Unfortunately, these two areas also seem to conflict right now. I want so desperately to be at home all day with my daughter but finances will not allow me to quit work at this point. I'm looking for a job working from home but until I can find something that will work for me I have to go to an office everyday and leave my daughter in the care of someone else for 10 hours at a time (including commute).
Before I even had my daughter I really struggled with finding the time to do everything that needed to be done...juggling work, household chores, grocery shopping, time with the hubby, church, time with friends, etc...Now that my daughter is here it's even worse. My first week back at work was HORRIBLE. I was trying to get it all done and I ended up not getting to spend any time with my daughter except for when I was feeding her (up until today she has been exclusively breastfed-I had to supplement with formula today because I was unable to pump enough milk for her to eat all day). By the middle of the week all I wanted to do was cry and lash out at my mother-in-law who is staying with us for a couple of weeks to help take care of the baby while I'm at work.
I've also been stressing about money because while I was on maternity leave I was only receiving 60% of my usual pay. It wasn't too bad until the end (I ended up being out for 8 weeks because I broke my tail bone during the delivery-who knew!). At least there was some relief here as of today. My miracle worker of a husband sent me an email saying he managed to balance the budget and we are now in the green (yay!). Now if I could just find that job working from home all would be well. :) Otherwise, I have to find a babysitter or day care for my daughter to go to in a couple of weeks until that job is attained and we'll have to come up with the extra money for that.
Now that I've let some of what's been going on out, my question is...how do other moms manage to get everything done? That old adage that there aren't enough hours in the day is so true especially now that I'm a mom. I'm already not getting enough sleep because we can't get the baby down until around midnight or later most nights and she doesn't consistently sleep through the night. Since I'm breastfeeding I have to be the one to get up with her everytime so I can feed her.