Just a thought...

[angelwings63050]

 I just finished up the BBQ and I was sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather when a thought came to me. Why is it that I don't know what to say to someone I have just met or even someone I have known for some time? I honestly do not have any type of conversations that I would like to have with anyone. The thought of actually talking to someone other than those that live in my home is...well scary. I hold no conversational skills. Even when chatting with someone on line or in messages I tend to wonder off and have no basic topic for a conversation. I know I do this and I honestly do not know of any other way. It is just weird to me cause I set here pretty much daily with no conversation. I have plenty of time to think of things that could interest me or might do the same. Yet when it comes time to talk I draw a blank. I find my self at times sitting around while my family are talking and they will be talking to me and I am like lost. I am physically there and I try to stay connected but for some reason I do not succeed. I don't know. Is there anyone else that does this? Am I alone? Why is it so hard for me? I think I am a nice going person in my mind. I feel that I am very open minded and friendly. I don't dislike any one per say. I just....I go through the cycle of life. I sometimes feel like that is all that I do. I fear of opening up to others because if I am thinking and feeling the way that I do about myself than I can just imagine what others have to be thinking. No, actually I don't want to imagine what others think of me. I feel that when someone is talking with me and I (for god only knows what reason) space out (that is what I call it) that I am being very rude. That the one that is engaging the conversation with me may feel the same way. Grrr....I wish someone could tell me what it is that is wrong with me. I mean seriously is this all because of the (so called illness) of bipolar? Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe there is more to it all that I will never get to tell. I don't know. This was just a thought. 

[KamellasMommy]

Apr. 24, 2009 at 7:24 PM

No..I am the SAME WAY. Not even kidding. I dread meeting new people, I dread going to family gatherings or school function for my kids. I don't know how to start a conversation, and even when I do by, say, asking a question like, "So where do your kids go to school?" I dont know how to continue the talk after they answer my question! And I really just don't have an interest! It's all small talk and I guess I am just not interested in small talk because once I get to know you, I can talk and talk and talk...it's a talent. But yeah, if I don't know you or barely know you or have to put off an impression that is different from who I really am..I have no idea what to say and people always think I'm a bitch because of it.