Homesick

[iubi]

I have been feeling so homesick.  Don't get me wrong, Spain is a gorgeous place and all but I haven't been home in 5 years.  I haven't seen (in person) any of my family in that time.  I haven't felt the "feel" of home in that time either.  I know that sounds strange but it is the best way I can describe it.  Even though we used t move alot when we lived in the States it was still safety and security. Ya know? 

  I used to be really close to my family (a big family) and now I feel alone.  True I have my husband and the three kids but I still feel alone.  I don't speak the language well enough to have a decent conversation.  So that makes me less active in seeking friends.  So the only one I have to really talk to is DH.  But when I talk about my feelings or things that don't interest him we get into an argument.  He just basically doesn't want to hear it.  He thinks I should just be able to adapt.  But no matter how much I want to I can't.  I just wanna go home.  I'm not trying to sound like a child but I don't think it's childish to wanna be where you feel normal.  Where you feel safe and secure. 

  To compound problems there is no money coming in to the house right now.  We are severly behind on bills and rent.  DH has the right to work here but I don't.  He's put in some applications to companies but doesn't follow up.  He sits on the computer most of the day "looking" for a job.  And when he's not on the computer he is watching movies.  But even though I don't have the right to work he thinks I should find jobs cleaning houses or something "under the table".  I don't mind cleaning houses.  But times are tough here too and nobody really has the money to pay someone to clean their house.  I don't think it is fair of him to expect me to find something illegal when he could do something legal. 

  I have mentioned that I would like to go back to the States with the kids.  My mom has volunteered to watch the kids for nothing.  I want to work in my own country.  I want to be around my family.  He absolutely refuses to let me take the kids.  He's afraid that if I take the kids with me then I would be leaving for good and giving up on him.  It's a long story, but right now he can't get into the States (he's not American).  He says that his kids aren't going where he can't go.  So by not allowing the kids to go with me, I am forced to stay here too.  Alone, confused, hurt, angry and broke.

 Lord give me strength and guide me.

[yoshiki56]

Apr. 26, 2009 at 10:34 AM

No place like Home is true! i haven't gone home to Hong Kong for almost 9 yrs now. The States is great and my dream to be, though home is just can't be replaced! Hope you can get home one day soon, i plan to go back visit with my 2 boys next summer!