Where im at..

[MissKayz-x]

So today i had a psych chat and really pissed her off cos i started talking about the wall paper and she was wanting to ask me stupid questions that i couldnt be bothered answering. I dont want to talk about stuff that is going to fuck up the rest of my day and i dont really think thats so unreasonable. And apparently im 'staff splitting' which means im like playing them off against each other, because i told psych she wasnt alloud to say i am manipulative because T (therapist) said that no is supposed to say im manipulative because even if i am, im not doing it on purpose i just havent learnt the skills to deal with it in a different way. So f you silly psych.

And i have a contract thingy so that i know my limits and Ts limits. I am supposed to go to ALL therapy sessions and 3 strikes im out of DBT. So thats meant to be like my incentive to stay.
And my targets are to eat 1 meal a day/try and get to 1000 calories per day,
not so as much/stop fully any d & d (damaging and distruptive behaviour),
go to all therapy and stop/not do as much 'therapy interfering' behaviour,
learn how to stop myself crying,
learn how to control my anger in more constructive ways not destructive ways or not just keep it in,
i HAVE to start filling in my diary cards or that counts as therapy interfering behaviour,
every time i do something bad/in the contract/therapy interfering/d & d i have to do a behaviour analysis in the next session and sort it out, and at the end i get a lil reward (better be good lol),
and no burning out T (ignoring her, not going, not talking etc).

Still have dialisis like 3 times a week and sometimes have nosebleeds. FUN TIMES! and walking bit more, no so frigging weak all the time. Still get really tired really easily but im getting there. And i still gota try and eat more. Ate a frosties bar today tho and an egg with a toast soldier yesterday but they both made my stomach hurt sooooo much..

Key worker wants to take me out a bit more so not sure if thats gona happen but oh well. Went out after D last week sometime and was so weird, was sat in my pjs in some cafe, covered in blood (had just had a nosebleed) drinking a milkshake. I felt like such an alien.

Fairy is good, shes with foster parents now and weighs 7lb and is off the oxygen and everything. Still on a few meds but so close to better its amazing. Wouldnt have thought that 8 months ago she was a little smidge in an incubator. Well you probably would lol.

Oh and aaron had all his tests to see if he can donate his kidney and he can, so thats all good i suppose. Just waiting for me to get my ass in gear now and put on weight and get healthy.

Oh annd spoke to alanah blairs foster mum and she is going to bring her to see me, she has promised. and rosa is going to bring paris on saturday yay. havent seen him in months and i miss him so much. all i want is to have my babies together and go home. im so lonely sometimes. i know i have laptop so not out of touch that much. but im still just on my own really. and all that stuff a few weeks ago, i brought it on myself but it is even worse now. i have been in here 9 months now. well been away from leeds and in hospital/mhu for 9 frigging months. i dont even know what normality is anymore?! any friends i did have in leeds (exapt lily) have moved on and barely text me or call. ive just disapeared to them so they dont give a shit that its not my fault that im ill blablabla..

Just want to go home and be normal. I want my babies..