I am now stronger for it all

[shanawitt1204]

 Hello, ladies.  I wrote a journal after the miscarriage that I suffered in March, but I thought I would tell you a little more about me.

I am 33 years old.  I have been married for 8 years, it will be 9 years in December.  I have two beautiful daughters.  Their ages are 12 and 6.  Kira, my oldest, is not my husband's biological daughter, but he did adopt her when she was 6.  I was a single mom for 3 years until I started dating and then eventually marrying my husband.

When I had Kira, I found out that she had a congenital birth defect called total anomalous pulmonary venous return or TAPVR for short.  At 3 weeks of age, she was flown to Duke University to undergo open heart surgery.  Thank goodness, everything went okay.  She is now a healthy happy 12 year old.  Besides the scar on her chest, you would never know that she had any problems at all.  She also has left side cerebral palsy.  She cannot turn over her left hand or use it to grasp things firmly.  Her biological father has never truly been in her life. 

After this happened with Kira, I grew stronger from the ordeal.  I thought I had been through the worst and everything could only be better.  I met my husband when she was 3 and he was all too happy to have her call him dad, and be there for her.  We married when she was 4 and had Madison, my youngest daughter, when she was 6.  Preston, my husband, adopted Kira, and doted on both girls.  I thought my life was perfect.

Then the inevitable happened.  I found out I had Crohn's disease.  I had originally thought that two children was enough for me, but upon finding out that I had an incurable disease, I decided that I would like one more.  My husband and I began trying in November of 2007, right after the diagnosis.  I hated every month that brought my period.  Finally on Christmas Eve 2008, I found out that I was pregnant.  I couldn't have been happier.  I had normal pregnancies with both my girls, with no complications or problems.  So, I expected nothing less with this one.  I didn't have morning sickness with my other two, but when I did have some with this pregnancy, I wasn't concerned.  I just figured that I had been lucky with the girls.  Plus, I was hoping that this meant that I might be having a boy this time.  I went to my doctors appointment when I was 7 weeks along and heard the heartbeat.  Then I went again when I was 11 weeks along to hear the heartbeat again.  Everything was checking out fine.  I had another appointment for when I was 15 weeks along.

My husband was able to go to this appointment with me.  I guess it is a good thing he did.  I don't think I could have handled it alone.  That is when I found out that my baby did not have a heartbeat.  As I wrote in the previous journal, I was, of course, devastated.  I wound up miscarrying at home later that evening.  I held the baby in my hands and knew that it was a boy, but I had no confirmation.  I had to have an emergency D&C the next day because of the bleeding.

On my two week checkup after the D&C, the doctor told me that it was indeed a boy.  I already knew this to be true in my heart, so it wasn't a surprise for me.  I still think about the miscarriage and my baby boy everyday.  He is buried in our local cemetery, and should have the marker on his grave by the end of this month.  I visit him often.

My husband and I have begun trying to conceive again.  I have been having some complications to my Crohn's that may eventually require surgery, and I want to have a baby before that becomes a reality.  See if I have to have this surgery, it could cause complications with my pregnancy, and also make it impossible to have the baby vaginally.  I had both of my girls vaginally and naturally, and I want to do the same with the next one.

I know that some of you may be thinking that I should be thankful for the children that I have.  And I am, but I want one more on my terms.  It is one thing to decide for yourself that you don't want anymore children, but quite another to have that choice made for you. 

Well, I guess I have told you a little about me.  All my ordeals have only served to make me stronger.  To find out more, you will have to leave me comments and tell me what you would like to know.  Till then.............