could not sleep (major rambeling)

[mommything03]

Ok, well, umm, ok, my thoughts did not want to come, and parts still don't. well if you ahve read my status and mood, you will kinda know what is going on. my step mom and my dad lost another little one April 26th. she is and always will be my little sister. she looks so much like dad it is cute. she has a perma pissed look about her. i just wish that there would have been something that they could have done to prevent her passing. but i also know that God had different ideas in life for her than the ones that she (and the family) already had. i have realzed that since andrew has not been working i have put my family second to my job. just to "try" to make my family first. it just didn't work that way. but when push comes to shove, FAMILY IS and ALWAYS should be first. not to preach but the bible even says "honor thy mother and father" well i know that in the past i have not done that. like i said i have been working my tail off trying to make it for the both of us. i know that some people are pissed off about it, but there has to come a time when people can get over it. my family again when puch comes to shove, it will rally around the ones that are in need. no matter what. even if they are not blood they are still family. i was blessed with more than one mom and more than one dad. and too many sisters to count.lol. but the greatest thing that i have been blessed with is the love that i have from everyone that i care about. ok i know that i am rambeling and making things jumble up, so feel free to cut off anytime you want. my "other" mom, and yes she is like my mom in more ways than one. she is there for me when i need a hug, a shoulder, advice (even sometimes when i don't want it but need it), and even a break. well she didn't get a break, she (and the rest of her kids) got delt the worst hand that we could get. we lost a loved one and somethings that should not happen. the loss of a little one. i love my mom so much for how she is holding up on the outside. but if it was me, i know that i would not be. and if i saw my daughter beign about a week ahead of me, i would not want to be around her just for the simple fact that it would hurt to see that she was still blessed with a child and mine was taken. i know that it sound selfish, even to me, but sometimes that is what i feel,(if it would have been me instead of my loving and ever caring mom) and to the ones that know me, you know that i lost my real mommy novemer 26th, 2001. it has been one of the hardest things to do. there are days when i will still have dreams about how she is still alive, and she wants her grand babies to take to the park. and on those days (like tonight, that is why i am up and typing this) it just hurts more because i know that my kids and those of everyone that either called her mom, or even the ones that didn't but loved her just the same, but they will not see her face, hear her laughter, see her smile, or even feel one of her healing hugs. and that is what hurts. just knowing that her heart just could not take another day for anything. with me i know that since i am her only "blood" child, she had so many that would call her mom. and the ones that called her mom felt that she was a second mom to them. i know that if either given the time(trying to word it right so that it sounds like i want it too lol) or the time, and what i meen by that is if i would have had morgan before she had gone, i know i would have never seen her but to feed her, well at least till she could crawl and walk. but if that would have happened i know that i would not be where i am today. but she would have lived more of a life. she lost the fight with life, in my heart, i know that it was because she had lost the best friend she ever had almost 2 years before. one of the things that my mom taught me was that if you have something and you have enough for you and then some, and sometimes even if you didn't, you gave what you could to help that person out, no matter what the cost to you. if it was time, then there was always plenty to go around. if it was love, that was never a question that anyone ever had to ask for, it was always given. and if it was monetary, well if she had it, then well by God so did you. another thing that she taught me was that if you have nothing else left to give, stand by your word, some times if people hear you say that you will do something, then find a way so that you can. it is the only thing that in the end you can count on. just like the saying goes, "my word is my bond". i know that to some i don't care about others, and to others i care too much. i am just me and me is what life has given. the lessons learned in life are the ones that make you the person that you are and for some the person you want to be. be it a wife, a child (always), a sister, a mother, or even the best and sometimes worse thing ever, a friend. in the last 9 years there have been some hard and trying times for me. first the loss of my Godmother, then 21 months later my mommy. and then not even 4 months after that my little niece destiny. i got a repreve (sorry for the spelling) for a little while, then when i was going to do something for me, life had other plans. and i know that for the most part it was my mom saying you can't do this, it is not your time to get what you want, but in return you DO get something you have always wanted. i got the man that i will always love no matter what happens, and time and time again we have seen and done so much for and with each other. i know in my heart that my mom gave me my first born baby. and then when my baby had to have babysitters something would always go wrong one way or another. then there was the battle between things that should not have been fought and lost, but should have been fought and won. and in the last 2 years almost 3, there were more losses in the family. first was my with my "mom" and her little one, and then not even 6 months after that, me with my angel baby boy. then 8 months after our loss, we were blessed with another little one. then come to find out what a blessing that was going to be, my "mom" was going to have another little one about a week after me. then the worst blow that i know that any parent can deal with, the loss of another child. my little sister. my angel sister that would not have had a chance. there are things in life that just can't be explained, you have to go on what you feel is either best, or just go with the flow. just do your best no matter what or who happens in you life, and live for yourself and the ones that you love. what brought this blog on was the fact that i had a dream tonight about my mom, my niece, my son, and my little sister. i was standing in a meadow, (and i could show you the exact spot too, it is the one that we want in july 2013) and there they were. my mom, holding each one and she was saying this is why i had to go. my job on earth was done and i had to recieve the next line in angels. they all looked so good. and to be honest it has been years (about 3 really) since i have had even one dream about my mom. and each time it was to remind my mind that she was gone. but this one was different. before she would always ask me when i was coming home, but this time she was saying she was home and that she was going to be taking care of the little ones that have gone and will always be missed and loved here on earth. the one thing i know that she always wanted to do. ok now that i have my thoughts down on here i am going to try to go back to sleep since this took longer than i thought it was going to. i started this at 1;50 am and now it is going on 3 am. so good night, and remember love the ones that really love you. and don't ever just say "I love you" and not mean it.

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[codysmama2609]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 2:08 AM

  Thank you....

very touching.  Your mom and "mom" sound awesome.  like such good people. 

I am so sorry  you and your family have had such hard losses (and so close together)

I believe your dream is really telling you something.  and you are open enough to receive it... 

Sleep well tonight my friend.

p.s.  how many sisters do you have?  I have 6!  (3 real, 1 half, 1 step, 1 ex step)  :)

[loving_mom1617]

May. 5, 2009 at 2:11 AM

hey love......to be honest with you, you are right, everyone should be thankful for what they got.....everyone has missed loved ones that they had lost ( i know i have) anyways no matter what they will always be with us no matter what....i still have dreams about (mom) and my family that has passed but i just look at it this way they are always with me whenever and where ever i go no matter what...they are in heaven as angels looking down on us.....love ya