Who *owns* the word rape?

[celticreverie]

I am deeply saddened by women on cafemom, the recent popular poll has caught be by complete surprise. While I knew there were women here who were very mainstream and callous I never realized to what extent. This goes far beyond the breastfeeding/formula feeding or vaccine debates that we have on here. This actually goes on to try and *own* the rights to the word rape, and whether one person's sexual rape was more traumatic than another person's birth rape. It's disgusting how some women want to say *mine was worse* or *you can't compare* or how even the sheer fact that birth rape is a term used is seen as belittling some one's rape, when this is simply not the case! I have also seen women say that "it comes with the territory when being pregnant!" Can you believe that? Apparently because a woman get's pregnant she DESERVES anything that happens to her, and because a MAN (or woman) has a PhD means he has complete control over our bodies so that makes it ok! Unbelievable!

What is the definition of rape? Well, there are many. Most discussing forced sexual intercourse. BUT there is one definition that is fitting for the birth rape description: The act of forcing an erect penis OR inanimate object into a women's vagina.

When someone mentions birth rape, it does NOT mean that their birth didn't go as planned, or ended with an emergency cesarean. It doesn't mean that the woman is just *bitching* because her birth experience wasn't up to par, or that she couldn't handle childbirth. Birth rape is a very traumatic experience. Women can suffer PTSD, PPD, and complete shock. Can you imagine what it's like to completely trust your doctor only to have them hold you down, shove their hands up your vagina all because you said NO to a vaginal exam? It has happened!

http://www.truebirth.com/2008/02/more-than-a-traumatic-birth/

The link above is a fantastic article on birth rape. We aren't talking drops in heart rate, or a long labor. We are talking about OB's using their power to CONTROL and manipulate and FORCE themselves/their ideals on women.

Now let's look at sexual rape. It's also about control. Women are held down, and someone forces themselves on them. Sometimes it's a stranger, sometimes it's not. The experience is traumatic, can cause depression and PTSD. It is a horrible thing that NO woman deserves to go through. But do we blame the woman? Tell her to suck it? What if the woman was wearing provocative clothing and even daring to kiss this guy? Is it ok then? Was she asking for it?! NO. To say so would be hateful, untrue, rude, callous, etc. BUT many women feel as if the woman who experience birth rape deserved it, and needs to suck it up because "it's necessary for birth". Are you kidding me?!

I have had sexual violance done against me. I am a victim of sexual abuse by my own grandfather. I was raped by a boyfriend. I would also NEVER say that I only own the word "rape". I wouldn't DARE diminish the trauma another women went through because it wasn't what happened to me. I can't believe there are women who do such a thing.

I have talked with women about their birth experiences. The term "Birth Rape" is NEVER used lightly. I don't use it to describe MY experience even though things happened I am not happy about. I do however believe their are instances where this term is completely appropriate. It brings a reality to certain atrocities done in the labor and delivery room and MAYBE could save someone from going through the same experience.

Rape is about control, and whether the person is a stranger using his penis or an OB using his hand/medical instruments it is all still RAPE. A women should NEVER be forced into anything, while screaming no. No matter the circumstance women deserve better than that.

Seven years ago I was scared into an induction. I was held down and told I had to let the doctor break my water. I was told it was my fault my cervix was swelling. I was butchered open, 9″ wide, and left with a gaping wound. I suffered complications and had additional surgeries. It scared me forever. A scar that extends deep within my soul. I had terrible PPD and PTSD. The flashbacks were consuming and wrecked my family’s life.

[discokittten]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 11:31 PM

Women on this God awful website are unbelievably uneducated and closed minded. I have to say, I'm glad I found you on here. I was beginning to lose hope :)

[littlemrsmarcel]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 11:46 PM

I was very saddened and disappointed in a lot of the women and their responses as well. Has no one even thought for a second that a Birth Rape could be just as traumatic as a Sexual Rape because not only is the MOTHER being violated against her wishes AND her RIGHTS to say NO, but her UNBORN CHILD is being violated as well!?

I have seen both sides of the fence and personally, when I was on that bed and that doctor grabbed the forceps I kept thinking "WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY BABY!?" I felt more terrified right then than I ever did before. There was no need WHATSOEVER for it to be done. He just sat there twitching like an addict and finally gave in and grabbed the forceps after I specifically said NO, I WILL PUSH HIM OUT MYSELF. My son was not stuck, he was coming out just fine. But my doctor had a stick up his ass all because DS was posterior! FREAKING POSTERIOR! 40% of babies are posterior! I was not having any complications, I pushed for 6 minutes only! Nine pushes! But that asshole couldn't leave it alone! He grabbed the forceps, grabbed my son's head and started FORCING him to turn as he was coming out! Not even pulling! TURNING! Not only did it leave awful bruises on my son's head, but because of what he did, I tore. No, I take it back, it wasn't a tear, it was a SNAP like a freaking rubber band! I had nurses slapping my hands when I held on to the side of the bed during a contraction, telling me I couldn't lie on my back or sit up or even walk after I was told I could! (And even after the horrible birth, postpartum was nowhere near any better!)

My birth was nowhere near as traumatic as the stories I've read, heard, and even witnessed as a Doula, and I still considered it traumatic enough to where I will not birth in a hospital again.

And as far as the "Rape? So where was the penis?" comments I keep seeing- if there needs to be a penis in order for it to be rape, then I guess there won't be any justice for poor little Sandra Cantou, seeing as the Sunday School Teacher that raped and murdered her with INANIMATE OBJECTS was a WOMAN.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!

[ta2dirishlass]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 11:54 PM

I love your writing Shanna. Good for you trying to shed a little light for some of the close minded women on here!

[momioftwinz]

Apr. 30, 2009 at 11:59 PM

Exactly what we've been saying is now out in the open! Great post and here's a bump...

[celticreverie]

May. 1, 2009 at 12:02 AM

Thank you ladies :) I am just so frustrated and hormonal right now.

(Original Poster)

[jus1jess]

May. 1, 2009 at 12:19 AM

ITA. I understand why some would feel belittled by someone using that word after experiencing a sexual rape. But if people would just calm down and think about it, it wouldn't have to be about "which is worse" or who can own the word. It could be about the pain we all suffer and helping each other through it. I know sexual abuse. I know a bad birth experience. I'd call them both rape.

[SmileyMoo]

May. 1, 2009 at 11:34 AM

What is frustrating to me is that women object the term "birth rape" but they won't say a word when they're logged into WoW or GuildWars or some other MMORPG and use the term "We just got raped" when their party is annihilated.  It makes absolutely no sense to me that they get so defensive over something yet can drop the term in gaming or every day life

[celticreverie]

May. 1, 2009 at 11:57 AM

that's a good point smiley!

(Original Poster)