ok I need to write

[c_disario]

Im one of those people that needs to write to stay alive. and maybe because I havent had all the time in the world to write I feel like such crap but there is way much more that is bothering me.

Last night I tried on a size 6 dress... now Im accustomed to fitting into size 2 and 4 dresses... at my hips I am a size 8 but I am very small up top. When I got pregnant I blew up big time... I am currently a size 12 in pants I used to fit into a size 6 or 8 depending on the pants... no I have been losing weight but I am feeling like death at this point

I know that I shouldnt but I cant shake the weight! I am devistated at this point! I dont know what to do any more, I really just feel like dying! I am so devistated by the way my body is that I dont know what else to do... I have tried to lose weight and do things but I cant right now my back is really acting up... so its hard to work out, I have been walking more but my hip constantly popping out is killing me, but I am still doing what I can. I run ALL DAY, and I feel like I never eat either.. that being said I would eat less or a different diet but I currently breast feed so I can not change my eating habits to eat less because my milk will go down and I need to feed my daughter... I dont even eat big meals like I used to and because of my hubby I dont even eat alot of pasta like I used to... (oh how I miss pasta).. and sometimes like yesturday I barely ate anything all day, but had chinese food for dinner. We stopped eating late and I have managed to cut out alot of my late night snacking (we have no sweets in the house)... and since my hubby has started his diet (aka work out) today we will not be having so many sweets in the house which is a good thing... but I need to find a way to figure out what I can do to lose the extra weight...

I dont mean to brag I dont mean to be full of myself but me and my mother are the two that at any event you look at and say damn they look the best! my mom is 60 and she looks fantastic! she is a size 6 in pants and 4 in dresses! she has a great body, has a pot belly from 2 babies but when she dresses up you would never know! I dont care to be a size 8 I had a fat ass and I like it like that! but I was able to wear beautiful dresses and I have most of them still, even just my regular cloths my closet must be worth at least $20,000... I have designer names all over the place... and It all just sits there! and Im wearing crap cloths from old navey. (not that they are crap I have always worn old navy but those are my throw around cloths not to go to work, or to go out!) I used to have the best cloths, I even have osar de larenta, and they dont fit! I have nicole miller and it doesnt fit! I have tahari and it dont fit!!!!! bad enough all my bandolino shoes dont fit any  more, but seriously my cloths my body I feel like such shit! I have everything and the way I get it is through sample sales and my mom bring this stuff home from work. by no means would we be able to afford this stuff but I am lucky enough to be able to have it! and I blessed and know that I am very lucky to have all this but I have it and I feel like im the one who is worthless because I cant use it!

I know I sound rediculous but I feel like I have no will any more! I want my body back, it wasnt perfect, but I loved my body! I was 150 and 5'1 I was a tiny little thing that knew how to use it! but now I feel like all of me has just gone to shit! I feel like I want to stop breastfeeding just so I can get back to the way I was!!!!! but the though of putting my daughter on formula is more repulsive than my body so I am so stuck!!!! I need major help! and I dont know where to go..