I'm being a mama to a throwaway teen

[ladyauthor2b]

Mother's Day is coming about this weekend. I am a procrastinator. I haven't bought a thing yet for my mom. It's kind of hard to do, since she's eighty now and has a household of things. I've always bought traditional flowers, jewelry, and bath fragrant products before, but this year I want to do something different. I know that the mattress on her bed is kaput, so I told my kids to don't worry about me this year, and instead, we'd purchase my mom a newer one. I think its a good idea, since when she rises and sits on the edge, she feels like she is sliding out of her bed if she ain't careful. I can't risk a serious fall at her age. She's already hurt her left hand last winter when she took a minor tumble in her kitchen. She's had a cast for a broken radius bone, which has healed. Now she suffers from carpal tunnel in that hand and might need surgery to correct it. Anyway, the point being is that buying her a safer mattress will give me peace of mind, and that's worth gold. Not a glamorous gift, but I think she will like it.

Now for a touchy subject. With all of my kid's friends, I'm sort of considered a second mom. It's an honor somewhat, that they feel a connection with me. They can share a joke as well as share a problem. I like giving advice and I like their warm camaraderie. It brings me to feeling young and connected to my own kids. Well, when school started, my high school daughter began hanging out with this young girl.  For privacy, we'll call her "Y".  Y's heritage is Puerto Rican and she's a beautiful kid, with dark eyes, dark eyebrows. She has a great laugh and a pleasant personality. all I knew from the night she stayed over with Kayla was that for some reason, she was living with "other" people instead of her folks. I had no clue if these other people were relatives or not, but she was adjusting within their household. Then sometime around Christmas time, I heard she moved back in with her folks. Ok, I thought. Things didn't work out and she's back at home. I also learned she had a sister. I'll call her "J". 

About five weeks ago, to the day tomorrow, Kayla begged if J could stay over. I had no qualms, although it was for a school night. But then Kayla told me that on Friday they were out of school, so could J hang out for an "extended stay." I thought she meant for a long weekend. I agreed. It wasn't the first time these kids would come over and hang around playing video games, watching movies, talking, playing on the computer and just being teenagers.

Well, that extended stay has lapsed into five weeks. J supposedly was "kicked out" of her household by her stepdad / mom because she broke the rules. She broke the rule of having her boyfriend come over when they were gone. I guess it brewed into a big fight about several things.  Now, when I met J, she was so pretty, thin, and had a bubbly laugh and personality. She was respectful and funny. Her and Kayla got along great.  After the first week, I told her that I'd have to talk to her folks. Could not skirt that issue at all. I told her if she wanted to "live" with me, we didn't have a choice. Her folks had to know who was taking care of her and where. J didn't want to at first, but then gave in. She just begged to stay with me if she could.  

In the meantime, Y had prepared her folks that I was stopping by. Her stepdad wasn't unpleasant in our conversation. He was pretty blunt that he had rules in his household. He would not put up with "boys' over. He worked over 8 hours a day and so did her mother. And yes, if she couldn't abide by these rules, he didn't want her there. That it was a hard world out there and she should realize that. 

 I told them that I didn't mind her staying with me, that I'd rather see her safe than on the streets. I asked that they give her the social security card so she could get a job, to have money for herself.  I asked that the mom call the school to put me on the "list" so I could pick her up if she got sick. I asked if they'd be willing to sign a paper to say they understood her living situation with me, that I could not provide health insurance because legally she's not my kid, but that I'd support her.  My long term plan was if she stayed with me the entire rest of the year, then I'd claim that support on my taxes versus them doing it. And both the stepddad and the mom agreed to everything I asked.

I walked away feeling a bit stunned. I couldn't believe they didn't put up an argument to keep her there. But I could see that Y was busy sweeping, mopping up the place, cleaning up after a full day of school.  I only know if it was my daughter, I'd still want her home.

And that's the thing about J, I don't find her being rebellious. She just seemed to want the same things as any other normal teenager. She wanted to hang out with friends, study with them, and yes, even have a boyfriend. I 've met him, his mother, and his younger sister. He's respectful and polite, with good manners. He understands about curfew rules at my house, about what's a decent hour to visit and to call on the phone. So far, he's not caused a lick of trouble, and neither has J.  On her very first week, we had a very hot day in Texas. Her boyfriend lives in an apartment complex. They wanted to go swimming in the pool. J sat on her knees on the floor and placed both hands together, looking up at me.

"Plllllleeeeeaase? Can I please go?"

  I put my hands on her shoulders and told her, "Sweetie, all you have to do is just ask. You don't have to beg." And then in a joking manner, I told the kids, "Look, respect is a two-way street here. You come and go, but you must check in, you must let me know who you're with and where you're at and what you plan to do. And you must respect me as much as I will try to respect you. Do your chores. go to school. And always remember," I said in a joking manner, "That you don't let Moochie lead to Nuckie, because then you will get OOOOOOO... and you will be in a world of trouble." And then I demonstrated a huge roundness before my belly.

The kids looked at me and then burst out laughing. but they got my point. I know. I know. It's a crazy way to say to them, "Don't do anything you're not suppose to do," But it's effective.

Anyways, the point of this long story is that for this weekend, I have an extra "daughter" under my house. This week she has been a little depressed, about not being around her mother. I asked her boyfriend, who brought it to my attention, "what's going on?" he told me that she's homesick. "She misses her mother. She hasn't been sleeping well. She told me so"

Ah, I thought, trying to find a solution in my brain, "Do you think if I asked her mother to come visit, that she would?" He said, "No. I don't think so."

"Then can J go over there for a visit? I'm not stopping her if she wants to do so," And he shook his head and told me, "They don't want her there."

I figure he would know. J probably confides in him all of the time. My heart goes out to her. I want to shield her away from such pain. I can't believe her mother prefers the stepdad over her own daughter. I don't understand that family. I don't understand how I got myself in this situation, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. All I know is that in two months, J will turn seventeen.  Y is already eighteen and isn't even allowed to walk around the block for exercise and her parents poke fun at her being "fat".  Y told me this today when I was talking about my walking effort to lose a few pounds. She wished she could go with me to walk around sometime, but probably would not get "permission" to do so.  And by the way, even Y wishes I had room for her too. 

I don't know the real legal solution to this. I'm supporting J right now, because I want to do so. I'm not rich by no means and kids need things and want things, but all she has asked for so far is a new toothbrush, to hang out with Kayla and her boyfriend,  and if she could fix herself a sandwich or a hot meal. I don't always cook supper, but I buy a lot of frozen foods so the kids can scramble for themselves. I told her "Honey, you get whatever you want to eat. I have no problem with it at all. "

And I don't.  I am happy that my hubby has supported my decision to have her with us. All I I hope is just for this weekend and beyond, I can give her something that her mother can't,  some hugs, laughs, and a sense of being part of my family.

Comments? Advice? Opinions?

 

[Kajenloca]

May. 6, 2009 at 7:33 PM

Wow--what a blessing that you are being a surrogate mother for this girl. I will pray that her biological family realizes what they are missing out on. How sad...:( I wish I had some advice, but truly all I can is that I am in awe of your servant heart. Keep loving the child and leave the door open when/if she goes back to her "other" mother. Keep us posted.